Cant come to terms and accept anything so far and cant take anymore

FormerMember over 5 years ago

5 replies
23 subscribers
1613 views

Pamajama19. Hi everyone. I hope ure all doing good. I'm 39 and have 2 teenagers, and partner of 21 years. I dont really know where to start to let u know the the whole story and not drag on all night. I lost my mum 10 yrs ago when she.was 49 to lung cancer. But cancer in my both sides of family is shocking. I dont know a loved one who didnt lose life to this horrendous disease. But on my mums side it was all lung and my dads side is breast. Anyway sorry. So after I lost my mum I had the genetic tests to see if I was definitely in firing line etc. Because of my kids who were babies really at the time. So the outcome was that if I had to get cancer, this would be "in moderation". But I should start having mammograms yearly as my dads sister had breast cancer round about the same age.
In jan 2018 was the last mammogram but suddenly I started going down hill and fast, but there was nothing to say how and why apart from maybe the fact my gp has had me taking various antibiotics for 2yrs solid. There was lots of stuff basically worse than run down was how I was.
So roughly June ish I was in the shower and I felt somthing in my right breast but when I tried to feel for 2nd time it was gone, but from in my 20's I had always had to press mynipplws to relieve some if the milky stuff so that day in the shower I pressed my nipple and there was blood. And tbh it was moment I knew 100% in myself it was cancer.but I was so scared I left it for 2 months before I went to gp. Who then referred me for an ultrasound
The day of ultrasound came and it was the longest 5weeks of my life as the blood was still coming out and I had pain. So at hospital they sent me for mammogram first and then ultrasound. And I turned round while the scan was being done to face my worst fear. A black circle thing. Everything stopped still as the next min 2 biopsies were done. And then another mammogram.
I have mental health aswell and I came home from hospital traumatised IM SO SORRY FOR GOING ON ITS JUST TO SAY WHY IM HERE TODAY
2 weeks later I was back at hospital. But I knew in my heart what I was going to hear and then the doctor confirmed what I had feared. But he said that j needed both MRI scan and CT so had them done and advised on day I was diagnosed that the tumour wasnt going to kill and it was about 1cm.
Another 3 weeks passed and I was due to go for surgery near mid Oct but was called in few days before the date, but it was only me that was in for an op that morning and I was back home for 3 pm same day.
So surgery went great as such, no probs atall but now it was time for chemo. I am to have 4 of these and then radiotherapy and honest if I hear it's for 'precaution and insurance policy' again I will scream. I just think it's a bit much just to keep it away. But while all this my blood was sent away to genetic side again to see if the gene was there 10 yes ago.
From the start of this I've never came to terms or had a min to process any of this. And its had a huge effect both mentally and physically, and to now have to lose my hair and xmas coming up etc
I had my first chem and bu day 3. I ended up in bed for 10 days and went through the most horrific time that near the end I actually wanted to die. I'm serious. I say my mum and my aunt and I remember thinking that this was it but I hadnt said goodbye to the kids but I was so weak and sick I couldn't utter a word, even a noise and at one point I had to make myself take a breath. I promise I do t lie or over do things bit not breathing was fine. It was an effort make myself take one. I dont waste to say too much, but my partner didnt really look after me but 21yrs of that's another story
So speaking to my oncologist last wed. She wasnt happy with me that I did t goto hospital. But I couldn't say I wasnt being looked after as he was on chair beside me but I told her the truth that I was too weak to say anything. And also I told her that I didnt want or could cope with more treatment
But too throw spanner into the works the gene test came back aswell that it was in me all along and I remember surgeon/doc saying they would need to take them both off and now I will gladly give them
Last sat might even strange of me hair fell out in my hands and that has done somthing to me big time
So there it is and now I've had enough. I swear I cant take anything more between what's happened up till now and in my personal life. I've had it and just cant in anyway cope with it all.
My partner has ruined for the 4 th year xmas. I havent bought kids anything as I'm pratted down to him and hes not gave me a penny fro. A sickening amount of money over 2 weeks and I dont know what to do. I dont know what's right or wrong anymore and if I'm honest it's making me not want to be hear anymore. I'm not going to do anything I promise but I just cant take anymore of anyone or anything

It sounds as if you have been going through a really rough time. Can I suggest you give the Macmillan helpline a call (below), I think having a chat to someone on the 'phone might help you.

Quite often when we are fighting one battle, we look back at other battles we have had to face and feel that the weight of the world has been on our shoulders and we have absolutely nothing to be grateful for and we can't face dealing with it all. Try not to focus on all the bad and just concentrate on the now for the time being.

It is quite good to have a look at the positives in our lives as well as the negatives. You have 2 children who probably are devoted to their Mum - despite being at the 'terrible teens'! - am I right?

Some of us ladies who have had breast cancer have later made changes in our lives because of being diagnosed. It's one huge shock to come to terms with and you do become a different person afterwards. Me? I got offered a job which I previously wouldn't have taken for various reasons, but probably more the self doubt that I could do it (dream job). I thought 'why not? I can always give up if I was right that I wasn't capable. I've been doing it for a year now and it was the best decision ever made. 100% I wouldn't have accepted the position prior to being diagnosed with breast cancer. So, as you can see positives can come out of something so awful.

Now's not the time to making decisions - get yourself through it and then is the time to take stock. There's a lot of emotions to come to terms with.

Will you join the rest of us ladies in the breast cancer group? We're a very friendly bunch and it's the busiest group of all as it's one of the most prolific cancers. Click the green link and the + join button.

Kindest wishes,

FormerMember over 5 years ago in reply to lesleyhelen

Dear I am so sorry to hear of the ordeal you are going through, it’s totally understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed. Given the fact you lost your mother when she was so young you are bound to feel despondent about your own illness. However treatment for breast cancer is now very advanced and has some of the best outcomes, so you have many reasons to be hopeful. The only way to cope with the pressures that comes with treatment is to take it one day at a time, if your having a bad day go with it and on your good days do something than gives you joy. Try not to fast forward yourself to the worst case scenario but deal with each hurdle as it presents it self, it’s a cliche but true cancer treatment is a marathon not a sprint, so you have to preserve your energy. You will find the strength to prevail, you have levels of resilience that only now will you have reason to call on. There are many wonderful ladies in the breast cancer forum who will help you on your journey

FormerMember over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hey jonty,

Thankyousomuch for taking the time to read my story and give me the lovely response back. I felt I was writing a book lol. I was trying to cram as much in, as a short version as poss. Can u imagine if I was giving full story. I would still be doing so. Lol. Anyway I have maybe written a couple of things that have been picked up a bit wrong. As I say there was a lot more to it. I just tried to put it to the jist and not again write a book. Lol

I'm so worried now that a couple of things have been taken really wrong that people think I'm in more serious trouble than I am. Its lovely to think people do care and sometimes now days my points could be more serious. But this time it's a OH NO why did I not put it differently across.

I've had my mental health for more than 15yrs. My gp is aware of it and how it affects me. My partner looks as though hes a violent thug. Hes totally not. If he was hitting me. No way he would be in my life. It's more mental, but has his own demons also.

There is alot more details to my story but I just want to say thank you for your caring words and your kindness. If you want to ask me for more details on what I have described as a horror story. Lol ols dont hesitate.

I'm sorry for my silly description on a bigger story. It's not just as horrible.

Hope I make sense

Thehighlander over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi so sorry to hear the time you are having - Cancer can bring so many issues to deal with.

Talking with people can help a lot - you may find our various Macmillan Support Line Services to be helpful - call them on 0808 808 00 00 This free service covers Emotional Support and Practical Information mostly open 8.00 to 8.00 but check the link.

Talking to people face to face can help even more so check to see if you have any Local Macmillan Support in your area or a Maggie’s Centre as these folks are amazing.

((hugs))

Mike (Thehighlander)

It always seems impossible until its done - Nelson Mandela

My cancer story

FormerMember over 5 years ago in reply to Thehighlander

Dear I am glad my words were of some comfort. When you are dealing with cancer treatment it tends to intensify your emotions, so I could read between the lines and realise you were just letting out a backlog of feelings. We have all been where you are at the moment so understand, as time goes by you will find a sort of equilibrium, the most important thing is you take care of your mental health as the combination of a healthy mind and your treatment is vital. As for your partner, many of the ladies in the forum will testify to the fact that men have their own unique way of dealing with a cancer diagnosis and tend to want to help in practical ways and keep their emotions hidden, but it doesn’t mean that they are not deeply affected by the situation, it’s just their way.