Diagnosed 3 days ago. Really struggling

FormerMember over 5 years ago

3 replies
28 subscribers
1215 views

I have been diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma, HER2+, stage 2. Treatable and not going to die from it. I got this diagnosis completely out of the blue on my 33rd birthday.

I have three young daughters (the youngest being 4 months old, the oldest being 3 and a half). Since this diagnosis I haven't eaten, haven't slept, cried constantly, in a high stage of anxiety and more recently, passively suicidal. (if it weren't for my husband and children, actively suicidal).

I'm absolutely terrified, in denial, and unable to accept any of this. I don't want chemotherapy and I don't want to lose my hair. I can deal with the rest of it. I just don't want this. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. My 3 year old is picking up on my mental health, she's very sensitive, and I would rather die than let her see me as sick as im going to get.

I have a history of mental illness which I managed to beat but it's been so triggered again. I was so happy 3 days ago and now I want to die. I don't want people to tell me I'm strong and I got this and I will fight and blah blah blah. It's nothing to do with me. It's out of my hands. I have to hand my whole body over to the doctor and accept every single part of the side effects. It's really unfair.

People have told me this part is the worst part of this whole thing, but I can't believe them. It's going to get worse. I don't know what I'm expecting to happen by writing this. No one can do anything to help. I'm just utterly helpless and hopeless. I feel terrible for feeling this way because it can be treated when so many other people die but right now I hope I die during the surgery in a couple of weeks because then my family can't hate me, rather than if I ended it myself.

What am I supposed to do.

FormerMember over 5 years ago

Please dont despair. I have had bc twice now and both times had chemo which was not as bad as i was expecting. This time i used the cold cap and didnt lose my hair which was terrific. I have also struggled with my mental health. This is hard to go through. Please get in touch with your gp or mental health supports if you have them. Hopefully others will be online soon to offer support. I am in Oz so it is daytime here.

FormerMember over 5 years ago

I am so very sorry to hear about your diagnosis and how badly it’s affecting you. It sounds rather as though this is an emergency and you need help now. Please call your GP first thing in the morning and make an urgent appointment to speak with him or her. If you can’t find the words if talk about how you are feeling then please take your phone with you and show him or her what you have written here.

I know from my experience that it really does help to talk to others who know what you are going through so I wonder if you might think about joining the group for people diagnosed with breast cancer under the age of 50? You can find it here:

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/breast_cancer_for_the_under_50s/

Macmillan also has a helpline where you can talk to a trained support worker. Please call them. The number is 0808 808 00 00 and they are opting 8am to 8pm everyday.

I am not going to tell you to be brave. But I will say I think you have already been brave by coming here and writing down how you’re feeling and asking for help. That can't have been easy. You’ve taken the first step - well done.

I wish you and your family all the best

FormerMember over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi Vanessajane,

Just read your post and wanted to offer out an extended hand of support. I’ve suffered with some bad mental stuff, and it was incredibly difficult, so I am really feeling for you for what you are going through now. Talking about it is not a silver bullet (which you will probably know already) but it will definitely help. Another thing that helped me was the notion that everything is temporary. The bad thoughts can’t and won’t last forever.

Also, as much as it might not seem to mean anything, try to stay in the moment if you can. I noticed you wrote “it’s going to get worse”. I suffered very much with a “predicting” mindset, catastrophising the present which ultimately lead to thoughts of what’s the point. But ultimately, none of us know what will happen in the future.

I’m leaning down into the pit and offering a hand to help pull you back up, just like loads of other people on here.

Greg