explaining cancer to children aged 3 and 7

FormerMember over 5 years ago

7 replies
28 subscribers
1806 views

Hello, I wondered if anyone could help?

My brother-in-law has metastatic non-curable thyroid cancer. My mother has metastatic non-curable breast and bone cancer. I have two nieces aged 3 and 7. My sister's friend, who was the 3 year old's Godmother recently died of breast cancer in a hospice.

The 3 year old has said to her mother, "Daddy has cancer, he is going to die and you won't be married. You will be sad but I will give you a cuddle." She has said to her father on a separate occasion "You have cancer, you are going to die."

My sister and brother-in-law haven't directly discussed cancer with either of my nieces but have said that my brother-in-law is not well.

I was wondering if any of you could recommend any books or resources or approaches or support groups for little children who's parents and other relatives have cancer. From checking amazon I can't see anything that is honest or clear enough.

Thank you very much.

FormerMember over 5 years ago

Hi Aunty C,

I am really sorry to read about what you are dealing with at the moment. I have put a link in below to the resources that Macmillan has on talking with children, I hope they can be of some use to you.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children?_ga=2.184549418.2024520102.1569355380-1638353194.1568913648

I would encouraging speaking with your brother in law’s medical team to ask them about what are the best messages to be passing to the children. Honesty is definitely the best policy, but you’ll want to be assured you are giving them the appropriate message. Non-curable can be very different to terminal, and so it will be important to give them the most appropriate message, tailored to their age, so that they can begin to process it in the right way.

I hope that this is of some help and I’m wishing you all the very best

Greg

buttercup01 over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hi AuntyC, there's a lovely picture book on the Marie Curie website - Badger's parting gifts by Susan Varley -

https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/help/support/bereaved-family-friends/supporting-grieving-child/books-about-death#booksforchildren

which would be suitable for the 3 year old. But it is about death, so as Greg says you'll need to find out what the situation is.

Fear of the unknown is the worst thing. Once we know what we're facing, we find the strength to deal with it.

FormerMember over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Thanks Greg

FormerMember over 5 years ago in reply to buttercup01

Thanks Buttercup. He isn't yet close to dying, he has been told he is expected to live quite a few more years. but this book may be helpful at a later point.

buttercup01 over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

Hope it won't b useful for a good few years x

Fear of the unknown is the worst thing. Once we know what we're facing, we find the strength to deal with it.

buttercup01 over 5 years ago in reply to FormerMember

You might want to ask your local library if they have books to help too?

Fear of the unknown is the worst thing. Once we know what we're facing, we find the strength to deal with it.

FormerMember over 5 years ago

Gosh. Those conversations must have been shockers. Poor lamb to have such ideas in her head and her poor mum and dad to hear them.

I think the first thing to say is that children do not have a concept of death until the age of four so it’s likely your niece has quite a different idea in her head than we do in ours. But she’s clearly overheard something and you’re wise to try to clear this up.

In my experience of finding ways to talk to children it’s the cancer specialist nurses who have the answers. Does your brother in law have one?

We do have an ask a nurse section in the online community and I think it would be worth asking there - just copy and paste your query here:

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/ask_the_expert/ask_a_nurse/

My local Macmillan information centre at UCLH in London has a whole bookshelf of books. Your local centre might well be worth a try if you’re in spitting distance.

I hope this helps