Loved one with incurable cancer - not sure how to feel

Hi B,

Welcome to the community, the "club" nobody joins willingly. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Whatever you're feeling is normal.

 U can  go to a  Maggie's centre if you've one nearby.

Why not ring the helpline on 0808 808 0000 8am to 8pm?

I' m not  sure tbh if u can just turn up at  Macmillan centre but the helpline ppl will know.

Meanwhile, I  suggest  u join the  Family and friends and   Bowel cancer groups to get support from others who know what u n  and your dad are going through.

Thinking of u

Hi

I am so very sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds like you have good insight into the way you are reacting to this bombshell and I agree - it’s completely normal that you find yourself crying and feeling panicked. You are doing the right thing in looking for some support. The last thing any of you need is for you to spiral into bad anxiety. 

To answer your question, yes you can walk in to a Macmillan centre anytime. Do you know where your local one is? If not, go to the homepage of the website and look in the “in your area” section. These centres have lots of information about different types of cancer, about treatment and about coping with cancer. They also have volunteers who will be ready to listen to you and help you find support in your local area. I’ve visited my local centre at UCLH in London lots of times and the folk there are grand. 

As for your dad not accepting it, well, people react in all kinds of ways. Sometimes denial is a way of protecting oneself from something that’s just too hard to bear. 

I don’t know if this is any comfort but I’m living with incurable cancer and have been for three and a half years. In that time I’ve been able to get on to some new kinds of treatments that have kept me going much longer than I expected and seen some new ideas emerge. One of these is that some cancers are “treatable but not curable”. I think this is so much more helpful than “incurable”. It offers some hope and helps to live my life. 

I find this community invaluable for emotional support. It’s split up into groups. I use the group for people living with incurable cancer. I wonder if you might find some support in the group for family and friends. Here’s a link: 

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/being_a_relative_/

I wish you all the best 

Hi Daloni, 

Thank you for the information and affirmation. I'm going to drop by my local centre to see what they can offer and what I am open to taking, still not sure. I've also joined those groups online. 

I like the treatable not curable outlook certainly. I know my dad will not be taking chemo as he is concerned about his quality of life declining while he is trying to enjoy himself. I'm so glad that you've found some new treatments, I'm going to leave it up to my mum and macmillan to discuss all that with him. 

Again thankyou for the welcome, information and support

B

Hi, 

Thank you for the information. The helpline is a good place to start and I've joined the other groups. 

Thanks again 

B

Thanks Daloni for elaborating on what I said!