Advice please

Hi

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry to hear that you’ve been unable to find the support you need via the GP or voluntary services. My eyes actually physically widened as I read your story. You are quite right to say no one is ready to lose their mum and I’m glad to read you were able to be with her at the end. 

The online community is a place where people support each other. It is organised into groups where we can talk with people who are likely to understand what we are going through because they have been through something similar. You don’t have to be alone.

Do have a look at the bereaved family and friends group.

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/bereaved_friends/

You can browse through the groups by going to the groups tab at the top of the web page where you are reading this message and looking through the cancer experiences. Here’s a link to that page

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/groups/

Follow the links and join a group by hitting the ‘Join the Group’ tab just under the main group name and it is worth indicating how you want to receive email notifications when someone answers your posts.

Go to the 'Start a Discussion' tab just under the main group name and set up your own Discussion and introduce yourself to the group - you could just copy an paste what you have in this first post. 

You may find our various Macmillan Support Line Services to be helpful - call them on 0808 808 00 00This free service covers Emotional Support, Practical Information. Clinical Information, Financial Support and Work Guidance mostly open 8.00 to 8.00 but check out the information in the link.

Our Online Information and Support Section  is a good place to find information covering cancer diagnosis, treatments and pages covering most types of cancers. The information about bereavement is collected here:

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/at-the-end-of-life/someone-close-has-died

I do hope you find some comfort here in the community and I wish you all the best 

Hello Darling,

I'm not in your position, but I have a girl just like you. She has no partner or children and lives a long way from me. I've had a mastectomy and node removal and will need chemo soon. I fear the worst, for me and for my daughter. She's my best friend and I worry about her coping with life without me. I don't know what to say to her. She's being very brave as I'm sure you were too for your mam. All I know is your mam must have loved you very much and she would want the best future for you. That would make her happy. While she wouldn't want you to forget her she would want you to focus on making a good life for for yourself. I want my daughter to be stronger because of me and to want to do everything in life she can and live life to the fullest for both of us because she knows how brief it is and because she knows the value of life. My mam died at 93 and she said her life seemed short to her. Time is truly a thief however long or short a time we're here. Life is not just about having a good time, it's about loving and being loved. If you love people you'll find they will love you back. No one will take your mam's place, but I hope you find a different love in your near future xxx

Thank you so much for your kind response, it was comforting to read a reply from someone who is going through something similar to what my mum did. Though I was saddened to hear about your mastectomy and impending chemo. As you say, I'm not in your position but I had a mum just like you so don't fear the worst for your daughter - don't fear the worst at all. 

I truly believe in "willing" yourself well, the power of the connection between the mental and the physical. My Mum gave up - she kept praying to be let go because she just didn't want any more treatment (she had chemo, radio, a stem cell transplant - which was pretty rough -  a mastectomy, node removal, more radio etc over 6 years). I just feel had I been more supportive, done more, listened better, been more empathetic, perhaps even moved in with her for the second set of treatments (I was with living with her for the first) she would have felt more inclined to fight it all again.

You're absolutely right - life is not just about having a good time but I practised that too late and realised so much too late. I initially felt robbed of my 20s, like a child I kept thinking "this isn't fair" and when my career started taking off I had late nights in the office or went to social events with new colleagues instead of spending that time with my Mama. I had my priorities all wrong and I realised too late so we'd argue sometimes and I can't stop replaying all the nasty horrible things I said in my head. I can never take back those things or make them right now and this is what hurts me the most. I hope my Mama died knowing just how much I adored and loved her. I know I did everything I possibly could in the last few weeks - it was difficult to say the least to care for her alone at home but I couldn't bare to put her in a hospice against her wishes - but a few weeks over 6 years is not enough. 

Sorry for rambling but my point here is keep positive, keep thinking the best and your body will hopefully follow suit. I wish you all the best, I really do. And your daughter will suffer - where there is a lot of love there will be deep grief in death - but that may not be for many many many years yet, and may have nothing to do with cancer and she may be in a different place by then where you don't worry about her being alone. Lots of maybes, yes, but suffering is inevitable and if there is ever a time to focus on yourself, it's now. As for what to say to her, just keep telling her you love her. I cherish the messages where my Mum signed off "love you baby, goodnight xx".

I, too, hope I can move on, live life fully and find love in other ways but right now it all just seems impossible, Thank you for your message though, some things you wrote sounded just like my Mum and it made me smile.

Thank you so much - this is really helpful.