Living in another country from my Mother who’s recently diagnosed with NSCLC

I’m new here and don’t know what to write. I guess I’m asking how others manage to live in a different country from a parent or loved one as I’m finding it very difficult. Also has anyone got any tips on how to keep this miracle pill Gefitinib working??? It’s been magic so far

Hi and welcome to the online community although I'm very sorry for the reason that you've had to find us.

It must be very difficult for you living away from your mum and I can understand why you'd like help with ways to cope with this as well as finding out more about the treatment she's having.

With this in mind could I suggest that you join the family and friends group, where you can discuss your worries and get support, and also the lung cancer group whose members should be able to answer your questions about treatment if they've had Gefitinib.

To join these groups just click on the links I've created and then choose 'join this group' on the pages that open. To ask a question or introduce yourself select 'start a discussion' and to respond to existing posts click on 'reply'.

Sending a supportive ((hug))

x

Thank you for your response and guidance. I’ve joined the family and friends but haven’t posted yet, I’ve found myself reading so many posts that are so moving yet encouraging. This disease takes us all through unknown paths. Knowing there are people out there to talk to is such a comfort.  

Hi , I thought I’d pop in and say hi. My daughter has lived in Japan for nearly 5 years and I was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma nearly 4 years ago, thank goodness for the internet and video calls that can make that distance just disappear.

Best wishes

1. I haven’t found the distance disappear at all, I’m happy you and your daughter have found comfort in the wonders of today’s technology. It really is incredible to be able to video call. My Mother and I message through a popular app and call for free, I don’t think my Mother is comfortable video calling, at least at this time.
2. Since Mams diagnosis I’ve taken off work and traveled to the UK for 10 weeks in 7 months and plan on going again next month for 3 weeks.
3. We are very close and the distance between us is not working at all for me, I’m isolating myself and finding it very hard. I don’t let her know how I’m really feeling as she needs positive energy. I’m very much involved in her doctors appointments and specialist nurses and have been from the day I basically dragged her to see a doctor on a Sunday afternoon after traveling to be with family and seeing Mam coughing and keeping over. She’s very stubborn when it comes to doctors but I think this has shaken her. She’s not o e to open up or complain and definitely needs support in that department, but it’s not easy. Although when she was seriously ill and after just days of finding out about her stage 4 metastasis cancer along with a blood clot in the same lung as the main tumor, She did let me help her in all departments and I’m grateful she let me in.
4.  

I’m sorry this is so tough for you. The friends and family group will have a friends and family take on things and I hope help you think things through. Each family Is different, I read in your profile that your Mam said she didn’t want you to come home. I think that’s a very natural reaction, it’s what I have said to both my daughters. On first diagnosis my thinking was it could take a long while for my daughter to pack up and move and if I didn’t last long, she would have done all that big change for nothing. If my treatment worked I didn’t want to be responsible for her making a change she wouldnt have made if I hadn’t been ill. My head was making all the decisions and weren’t necessarily logical. My heart was saying nothing as my own Mum had passed away 3 months before my diagnosis, and I wasn’t letting any emotion in about how I might like to see my daughter again and have her living close by enter my head. But this isn’t about me and my daughter it’s about you and your Mam exploring what she feels and what you feel, and that is very hard to do face to face and probably even harder in messages. 

It sounds like you want to come back to the U.K. because she is stage 4, and because you want her to have a good quality of life in what ever time she has left or have I got that wrong? That might be for some all the reason that they need to up sticks and for others the head decisions of career? Relationships in the US? Might be pulling in another direction. There might be different thought going round in your head depending on how confident you are in any prognosis discussed, or any hopes there are of any new treatments. Then there’s your Mams feeling what does she want, and checking if what she says, is that what she means? is she answering as a mum protecting her child or as a patient ruled by her heart or by her head, what difficulties might there be. I am a big over thinker and no decision is wrong at the time you make it as long as you have taken steps to consider as much info as possible. But I used to work on appeals as my job, and  an original decision can change when new info is taken into account. I hope you have the chance to get you and your mum and any one affected by your decision to have a big think and talk, and that you come to terms with what ever action you take.

Im sorry that you have to face this horrible time, it sounds like you are a very loving daughter and that you have already been able to spend a lot of time and given great support to your Mum.