I’m not sure how I find myself here doing this, even stopping to post. On Tuesday last week I was told my mum had a mass in her esophageus (she’d been in hospital for a couple of weeks with difficulty swallowing). On Monday this week, 6 days later I was told without a stent she has a couple of weeks to live. They have decided not to fit the stent (in her best interests)- she is a complex case- one of her lungs has collapsed and her posture is very curved due to osteoporosis of the spine.
I am 29 and have a twin brother who lives in London. I have a little girl whoose 2 in May. This has stopped my world and knocked me off of my feet. I feel so many things- a lot of fear- I’m scared for her and how terrified she is, and I am scared for myself - having to be exposed to her deteriorating and then dying, and the pain this is causing me. I also feel pain when I speak with my brother- hearing his chocked voice and long silence on the phone makes me want to sob.
Mum has got very unwell very quickly. She has fluid in her working lunch and bronchi and fluid coming through her arm which I am finding distressing- they aren’t able as from today to carry on her IV for fluids (she can’t eat or drink) and she has two syringe drivers in now.
One minute I feel as together as I can be, the next I feel out of control with sadness- like I could collapse on the floor screaming and crying that my mum is dying. I feel physical pain in my chest.
They are keeping her in hospital for end of life now, the waiting is so bad. Every night when my daughter goes to bed I sob, and when I wake up it’s hits me- I need to do another day facing the pain.
It sounds selfish and she is the one going through this. I must try and hold it together- she has told me when I am upset it makes her worry.
I dont know how I will get through this, I know I will, so many people do cope and manage and find light after- right now it feels a dream, everything is slow motion and everyone is carrying on around me when I have no concept of time or what to do with myself.
Thank you for reading, sending everyone warm thoughts and strength to face such traumatic events x
Hi and welcome to the Online Community, although I am so sorry to see the circumstance that brought you here and so sorry to hear that your mum has a mass in her esophageus.
I am Mike Thehighlander and I help out on the Community. On my long journey I found the best way to navigate the various challenges that a cancer diagnosis brings was by talking with people who are on the same journey. Yours head is a battle field so talk g with people who are in the same boat will help you fight this battle.
My cancer journey was rather different but I do see that you have joined a few of our support forums Carers Forum and Supporting someone with incurable cancer these are the best places for you to connect with people who understand the journey you are on.
Just hit the 'Start a Discussion' tab in the groups and introduce yourself to the group. You could just copy and paste what you have on this post.
Remember to go to the right on the group home page and select how you want to receive email notifications when someone answers your posts.
We also have our Friends and Family Forum
You may also find our various Macmillan Support Line Services on 0808 808 00 00 to be helpful as you can talk to a friendly person that can help in lots of ways.
When you have the time it would be helpful if you could put some information about yourself and the journey that brought you to the Community into your profile as it really does help the Community members to help you and get to know you.
Click on your username and that will take you to your homepage. Look for ‘Edit my Profile’ click on it and start to tell us as much or as little about yourself as you want then click on save before closing the page.
All the best.
Good morning , so sorry to see you joining the Community and to hear about your mum.
Please follow some of the links I have put up as you will connect with lots of other people in the same boat. You will meet more people who understand and you can support each other during this time.
If you look in our ‘Group’ tab you will see two group sections. If you go into Cancer types you will find cancer specific support forums were people support each other through specific treatments.
The other group section has many emotional and practical support groups like the ones I have highlighted in my first reply.
Wishing you all the best.
