I have cancer and I’m worried about my husband

Hi

I am so sad to read about everything you are going through. I think you’re very brave to talk about the difficulties you see your husband facing. I totally recognise this and I would urge you to act now and put the focus on getting him the help he needs.

I faced similar problems with a husband who couldn’t cope with my illness, would not get help and I watched him disappear first into drink, then work and finally the arms of another woman. I’m now a single parent of teenagers, living with incurable cancer and on chemo. My ex marries his pregnant girlfriend at the end of this month. The consequences of him running from a situation he just couldn’t bear have been devastating. 

I know I tried to get my husband to get the help he needed but could I have tried harder? I don’t know. It’s water under the bridge. 

I think it’s got to start with the two of you talking openly and honestly. 

Mine is only one perspective  - I do hope others will join in. You might find some other suggestions from the group family and friends  

https://community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/being_a_relative_/

Xx

hi

I can only agree with Daloni , have those awkward conversions .

my husband was the same, although other woman is older, not of an age where she's likely to conceive,  she is completely unhinged, a real bunny boiler,  and it's affected our family massively. 

The only thing I can think of is that my husband seemed to confide in people who were outside our immediate social circle or family circle, I had one of the football mums say she didn't know what to say to me but he'd said something to her and her husband, it was completely out of the blue as I wouldn't have chosen to share the news with this set of people but he had and it wasn't a problem for me, they are very kind people but it was unexpected. 

I'm not even sure when he'd have had the opportunity to open up to them?  Except on the sidelines at the games ?

One of his male friends said afterwards he was quite put out that he hadn't confided in him, so it did seem that a slight social distance had allowed him to share his worries and fears ?

He did say he thought i was going to die, like that made it okay to have an affair ... not sure of his logic there.

Daloni is far more astute at choice of partner, of that I'm certain, so it does seem to be a problem across the male population .

Even if there isn't another woman waiting with open arms, does he have a group of male friends who'd rally round ?

An older relative maybe ?  Our helpline ?  open 8 to 8 every day ...  0808 808 0000   I cried down the phone at them and they didn't  mind. 

hugs

Carolyn

xxx

The Rio Ferdinand documentary is on and although it’s a difficult watch it might help ? 

We have to grieve for life events not just death. He will need to grieve for a lost future. Because it is a loss even now. We all think we’re invincible, we’re going to live forever and to suddenly realise we’re not, to have your own mortality shoved into your face is a shock. 

Iphone grammar 

carolyn 

x

Thank you both for your replies and for being so honest about your experiences.

I’m not worried about my husband finding comfort with someone else - I already did that. I had a one-night stand with a friend and my husband is still trying to come to terms with it, along with everything else. This person is not in my life anymore and I cut all contact as soon as I could. It was the absolute worst thing I could have done to him and I’ll always be sorry. He made a choice to stay with me despite this but he’s falling apart.

I went to a friend’s place after a party at the weekend and didn’t come home for a few hours. He was so worried I was going to sleep with someone else again. He’s still struggling now because it brought everything back from the last time. I had counselling after it happened but he didn’t. He doesn’t want it now and it’s the only thing I feel that can help him.

He needs help but will not accept it. I don’t know what to do.

hi

Sounds like you need to both put some boxing gloves on and get in a ring and bash out the feelings.

Someone said to me it's impossible to be unhappy when you're standing on your head. 

I suppose that's because you use all your energy concentrating on keeping your balance ?

Avoiding thinking about it won't make it go away though. 

How does he deal with other things ? What happens if the washing machine breaks down, or the car gets a flat tyre ?

My husband gets all dramatic, I just roll up my sleeves or call a plumber or the AA.  I solve problems, my husband just shouts about them.

This isn't a situation where there will be an answer, there's no magic wand that's going to make everything okay, it's not something that can be cured or solved.

It sounds more like it's about making sure your husband is happy and you don't feel guilty, but he's not going to be happy, is he, you're sick and you're not going to stop feeling guilty about what you've done, not with all the counselling in the world.  

My husband is actually petrified I'll die or divorce him. Yet he can't resolve to be faithful to me because he resents me for potentially doing both. 

Tell him you're sorry, and mean it, tell him that you regret doing what you did but you can't undo it.  There's no ctrl Z in real life. 

I was trudging back from the hospital once, heading through Kings Cross tube, when a lady with a guide dog nearly toppled down some steps. I put my arm out and offered to help her, she gladly accepted and instructed me on what to do, we needed to link arms. 

As we walked I was a bit too honest, maybe, I said what on earth was she doing trying to travel by tube. Thankfully she took it well.

She said she'd only been blind since her late teens, she was on her way to see her friends and she didn't have the money for a taxi. 

I wailed "but it's too dangerous"

she said "it's sink or swim isn't it"

life happens, it's up to us to make the most of it

Carolyn

xxx

Hi

That is a very tricky situation. I guess it must feel like the cancer has thrown everything into sharp relief. I’ve certainly got no answers other than to talk to each other, maybe with someone such as a family therapist to help. It sounds as though you have a lot of love for each other. I hope you can both find it. 

Xx