Hello, I just need to get my feelings out and know if anyone has felt the same. So following 6 weeks of sickness which was apparently a ‘tummy bug’ my dad had a tumour removed from his colon in December, the day after I was due to have my second baby. The operation went well and he’s now having chemo to reduce some growths on his liver before another operation in the autumn. In terms of the cancer I don’t know if I truly believe he will be fine, or if i’m In denial or if I just can’t take it in. But the thing i’m Finding the hardest is I feel like I’ve lost my dad and who he really is. I feel like I’ve not had the real dad since November and this really upsets me. I’m sure that sounds awful and so selfish when he’s going through so much but I hate that when I visit with my children he’s not really with us, he’s snappy, fiery, moans a lot and isn’t really interested in my babies. I know drugs all affect us in different ways and he can’t help how he’s feeling but I feel like he’s changed so much that I’ve lost my daddy. I want to spend time with him and for him to see his grandsons but I just find it hard spending much time with him, like he doesn’t really want us there. I can’t tell this to my mum, she’s having to be brave and strong for us all seeing her husband go through this and again, I don’t want to seem selfish. I just wondered if anyone else has felt like this? There’s the chance we may lose him to this disease but I feel like he’s already slipping away from what we know him as. Thank you.
Hi and welcome to the online community
I'm sorry to hear about your dad's diagnosis and it's not selfish at all to want your dad back to how he was before cancer struck. Many people find that having cancer can affect the mood of the person and you might find this information from Macmillan about what your dad might be facing helpful.
Could I suggest that you join the family and friends group where you can share your worries and get support. To join just click on the link I've created and then choose 'join this group' on the page that opens. You can then respond to existing posts by clicking on 'reply' and start your own after selecting 'start a discussion'.
Sending a supportive ((hug))
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
Hello
Welcome to the Macmillan Community, but equally - sorry that you find yourself here due to your Dad's colon cancer.
The only way I can think of answering this is to try and suggest that think of an illness you have had (like flu for instance) where you haven't been able to think/do anything other than just know that in a few days time you will start to feel a bit better. Now having looked back at that time, if you had people visiting you and wanting you to be cheerful and joining in with them, how would you have reacted?
Your Dad having chemo is just the same except over a longer time - because the chemo is poisoning the cancer, but at the same time it's also affecting the healthy cells in his body and making him feel truly awful. Add to this the psychological effect of having cancer (which you wouldn't have had with the flu) that this cancer is trying to kill you and on top of that, you need yet another operation.... it really is no wonder that he is all over the place and not at all happy. The treatment for cancer seems to be much worse than the side effects of the cancer itself.
However, for all of you there is an end. He will finish the chemo. and he will be having another operation. If you look forward to the end of his treatment and for him to come to terms with having cancer and show him he's loved and supported through this then your Daddy will return. I can remember it taking well over a year for me to feel as if maybe I would 'feel normal' again after my diagnosis, but it is also a new 'normal'. Having cancer does change you and I was surprised by how much of an effect it has on the mind.
Perhaps you could suggest some counselling support for your Dad? But as part of your support, rather than him thinking it's being critical of him being grumpy. Also, don't forget the fact that cancer affects all the of the people around the person diagnosed and how they cope with it - this includes you! You've been hit with his diagnosis as much as him and you need support as well.
There is a friends and family group which may be of some use to you and if your Dad would like to join the Macmillan community, there is the colon cancer group as well. Because in honestly unless you've had cancer there really is no-one who understands it as much as those who have had/ are going through it and it might be just the support he needs. (click the green links).
You are worried that you sound selfish, but why shouldn't you be upset that your Dad has changed? As I say you are affected by his illness as well.
Kindest wishes,
Edit: I see I posted at the same time as latchbrook
