Quite scared.

Hi Christine

So sorry you have received such awful news.

I think far from being cowardly you are extremely brave to come here and voice your feelings.

Good wishes for whatever comes.

Phil xx

Hi Christine, I agree with Phil, you are certainly not cowardly, if you were, you'd be burying your head in the sand and posting here is the opposite!

The worst thing in my life (so far) wasn't being told I had incurable cancer! Telling my husband, son and daughter was much worse! We try to be there for our children and then you have to watch the pain in their faces after that news. None of us "want" to leave our families and that needs to be said out loud to them as we have no choice! How old are your sons? It's not that one age is better than another but if they are adults they will have to be brave and support you and your husband as best they can, just now. Then they may have their own families to take their minds off it later on as life does go on! If they are young, you will make sure they are taken care of. For me, I think the best I can do is to "leave nothing unsaid" so there can be no regrets when I'm no longer here. They know I love them and it probably sounds corny but I've started to SAY it often!

To be honest, I think we are all very good at telling others to be strong when we find it hard ourselves! It's a case of Do as I say, Not as I Do! I hope in the coming weeks and months, you will make happy memories with your family. I've been doing that for some time now and know how lucky I have been. However I'm also a realist, so I know things can change rapidly. Come here when you need a rant, this is the place to do it and your family need never know! I wish there was something, anything I could do to help but I'm here if you want a chat! Sending you a virtual hug with my thoughts and prayers! Love Annette x

HI christine 

It is such a shock whenever we are brought up to date with what we wait months to find out especially when the news is not what your hoping for.

You are strong Christine and brave or you wouldn't have been able to put up with so much emotional and physical pain and be able to share that with the rest of us .

Your husband and sons will want only to help ,show you how much you are loved and want to take care of you , That's everything  you have given to them and still do so ,even though we might not be around for them for many years they will always love and have their memories of you  

I'm probably rambling on now i'm not used to writing on line but try find some space to give in to your crying or what ever you feel you need to do and try to stay focused on your loved ones and not give in to the cancer , I always try to think of the positives that have been my life rather then all the not so nice things and find it helps a little , love and hugs i send to  you Christine xx

Thank you Phil and Annette for your thoughtful words.  You have both gone through, and are going through,  such tough times, and it's inspirational for me to hear how you have coped and stayed strong and positive.  

Annette, I can relate to so much of what you said about family.  I have 2 sons, 31 and 27 and I am so proud of them that I could burst.  It was so hard, as you said, watching the pain on their faces today when I had to tell them the news, specially since they have been so positive throughout all my tests.  Neither are yet married, and no children,  but both are partnered, so it helps me to know that they have that love and companionship.  My eldest came to see me today and gave me a wonderful surprise by showing me the engagement ring he has bought for his girlfriend. He intends to propose whilst on holiday in Oslo on 4th December.   My heart soared with delight, and I'm itching to tell the rest of the family but have been sworn to secrecy.  

How true it is that we have been given the chance to tell our family and friends how much we love them.  Something that we always assume and take for granted but dont say often enough.  Now I tell them all the time how proud I am of them, and how much love I have for them .

Thank you for your virtual hug, and I send one back to you and Phil.

Love, Christine. xx 

Thank you Bumpy.  Yet again another inspirational person.  I'm so glad that you have all crossed my path but, I do wish it was under other circumstances. I promise right now to only look at the positive.  I have had a lot to be thankful for in my life, and I intend to let that help keep me going for as long as possible.  

It's about time I learned to take my own medicine and advice, as believe it or not, I've been working as an Holistic Therapist for the past 7 years giving massage, reflexology, Reiki and teaching meditation methods.  It's funny how easy it is to help others, but not so easy to help one's self.

Thanks and love to you Bumpy. x

Pink Floyd.   One of the great loves of my life. xx

Hi Christine,

I'm so sorry to hear your news.  I know when I was first diagnosed me head was running all over the place.  Don't worry about not being able to cry freely, believe me that there will be plenty of opportunities for this and I would advise you not to try and hold it back when it comes.  I found it important to acknowledge how upset and lost I was initially and I needed to cry to let it out.

I think we all tend to try and put on a face for others but sometimes if you do that then they do not get the opportunity to demonstrate their love by giving you the support that you may need.  My father died from oesophageal cancer 18 months after being diagnosed about 13 years ago and although we told each other that we loved each other he never really talked about the emotional side of things and I now feel like I should have been able to do more for him.  All you can try and do is cope with it in the best way for you.

You say that you will be likely be dead in a few months, and I know it is early days yet, but that also means you have some months to spend with the people that you love, doing the things that you enjoy.  That way although they will feel the pain they will also have lots of lovely memories to look back on.

sending love and a big hug,

Gragon xx

Christine I'm so, so sorry that you're facing this. I think it's incredibly brave to share your story, and voice the feelings that so many of us must have at times. Your family will feel the pain, but it's because they've felt the incredible love you've given them, and that's what will get them through.

I hope the stent will give you some relief, and you'll have many more special moments with your family. Lovely news about your sons pending engagement.

Thinking of you and sending big hugs 

Thank you everyone for your support and friendship.  I'm thinking, why me. Nobody could possibly understand,  has experienced, or is, experiencing anything as bad as what's been dealt me.  Of course I was stupidly wrong and should have known better.  

Thank you for allowing me to vent my private fears here where they cannot hurt my family.  After reading all your different, but similar stories, it has helped me put things into perspective and I promise to wake up every morning and give thanks for the love, support and blessings that I have in my life, to smile and appreciate every day, and never stop planning for the future.  I know that probably sounds a bit 'Glastonbury', as we say in my part of the world, but it was never more sincerely meant.

Thank you.

Christine. x

Hi Christine

So very sorry to hear about your diagnosis. You're not in any way cowardly and it's perfectly normal to feel the way that you do. When I was diagnosed back in March 2015,  I was trying to hold it together, but sometimes I couldn't and I benefitted greatly from counselling. I had plans in my head for my retirement and the diagnosis threw a massive spanner in the works. I have three children, two boys and a girl, 32, 34 and 36 and my daughter, the youngest, was distraught. She has since given us our first grandchild, Harry, and it is difficult to know that I won't see him grow up, although to be truthful, I thought I wouldn't see him reach his second birthday.

Just three months after my cancer diagnosis, I was told I had a degenerative spinal condition that has resulted in me having to see life from a wheelchair, leaving work and now I have so much nerve pain that I need to take large daily doses of morphine to try to get on top of the pain but it's not possible so I have to face that fact. Coupled with my cancer diagnosis, I have difficulty sometimes in coping with life, I have also been diagnosed with depression which isn't surprising because as I said earlier, I had different retirement plans. I'm now 60, and I'm a lot more positive than I was, this now is the hand that I have been dealt, so no point putting my head in the sand, I have to get on with it. I'd like to have some sort of job but 5 days out of 7, I feel so ill that it wouldn't be possible to go to work for someone, but I am fairly certain that I shall take up willow basketry as well as making willow garden products so that is something to help take my mind off my illnesses. 

ChrIstine, try to enjoy the time that you have left, love your family so much. Life is tough and harsh but just try to make the most of your time with them, be happy.

Tvman x