I've had enough now and thinking about stopping my medication to see if that will hurry up the ending of my life.
I should explain that I'm on end of life care I receive no cancer treatment, the only medication I take is Zomorph,Oramorph , paracetamol, ibuprofen, water tablets, 2 lots of antisocotics, to help keep me calm and relax my muscles plus stool softners to counter react the side effects of the drugs I take , I've put on 5 stone with fluid retention despite taking water tablets but because my heart isn't strong to pump the fluid around and because my lymphatic system is failing , the fluid is refusing to go anywhere, I no longer recognise myself :-( , neither did my mum when I sent her a photo .
Ii have secondary breast cancer that's spread to my right humerus, lungs and spine , the tumour in my right humerus is as big as the bone itself , the ones on my spine I don't know much about has tests are no longer being done , my right middle and bottom lobes have collapsed and the top lobe is hazy due to not getting enough air , both lungs have the broken glass effect syndrome and I don't know much more , once again due to no CT's being done now, I'm on oxygen and practically bedbound , I can with effort make the one step to use the commode but can't wipe myself to clean myself up, I have a catheter in which as been a life saver and carers come in 3 times a day .
The hospital gave me 6 weeks to live back in October, yes I'm still here but this isn't living I'm just existing now , I can't even get up the bed to get comfortable once I've slipped down the bed , I'm just sitting here watching the world go by , I can't say I'm wasting away because I'm not I'm just getting fatter with fluid, I'm barely sleeping despite taking diazepam , and now the warmer weather is approaching I'm getting more fed up and depressed, I should be able to get out and do things but I can't I'm just a useless lump that's draining society.
So surely stopping all this medication will mean the end will arrive quicker? I can't go on like this anymore , I'd accepted I was dying but can't accept existing, this isn't a life ita punishment
