Had enough now

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I've had enough now and thinking about stopping my medication to see if that will hurry up the ending of my life. 

I should explain that I'm on end of life care I receive no cancer treatment,  the only medication I take is Zomorph,Oramorph , paracetamol, ibuprofen, water tablets, 2 lots of antisocotics, to help keep me calm and relax my muscles plus stool softners to counter react  the side effects of the drugs I take , I've put on 5 stone with fluid retention despite taking water tablets but because my heart isn't strong to pump the fluid around and because my lymphatic system is failing , the fluid is refusing to go anywhere,  I no longer recognise myself  :-( , neither did my mum when I sent her a photo .

Ii have secondary breast cancer that's spread to my right humerus,  lungs and spine , the tumour in my right humerus is as big as the bone itself , the ones on my spine I don't know much about has tests are no longer being done , my right  middle and bottom lobes have collapsed and the top lobe is hazy due to not getting enough air , both lungs have the broken glass effect syndrome  and I don't know much more , once again due to no CT's being done now,  I'm on oxygen and practically bedbound , I can with effort make the one step to use the commode but can't wipe myself to clean  myself up, I have a catheter in which as been a life saver and carers come in 3 times a day .

The hospital gave me 6 weeks to live back in October,  yes I'm still here but this isn't living I'm just existing now , I can't even get up the bed to get comfortable once I've slipped down the bed , I'm just sitting here watching the world go by , I can't say I'm wasting away because I'm not I'm just getting fatter with fluid,  I'm barely sleeping despite taking diazepam , and now the warmer weather is approaching I'm getting more fed up and depressed, I should be able to get out and do things but I can't I'm just a useless lump that's draining society. 

So surely stopping all this medication will mean the end will arrive quicker?  I can't go on like this anymore , I'd accepted I was dying but can't accept existing,  this isn't a life ita punishment 

  • Nala66, ho my you certainly are going thru an awful time, can I take it your at home, ever considered a hospice, I intend to go to one when the time comes.

    It seems to me that the meds you are taking are to help you be more comfortable by reducing the pain, do you really want to stop them? thing's might just get worse without taking you towards the end.

    Is there no one who can take you out in a wheelchair, just a short stroll every day would be welcome,  sending you a great big hug , 

  • Hi Nala, i hear you! Is there a hospice near you ?? They only do pain management and comfort you. Sounds like this would be the right place for you. Just stopping the meds would mostly give you a lot of pain and more suffering. Hugs Pet

  • Hi   I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I do agree with both  and  stopping your meds can make it worse for you. I also think you should contact your hospice as you may be able to go for some respite care. I really do wish there was more I could say that could help you. Sending hugs x 

    I have asked someone from the team to contact you so please check your email later. You can also talk to someone in the team by calling 0808 808 00 00 

    Chelle 

    Try to be a rainbow,in somebody else's cloud
    Maya Angelou

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  • So sorry to hear that this has become so unbearable. I would agree with the others that the pain relief is intended to make you more comfortable, rather than extend your life. I would also recommend using a hospice if you can. Sending you loads of love. 

  • I have a wife but she's a self employed taxi driver,  she needs to work so bills can be paid etc , getting me out the house is a bit of hard work, due to the catheter and oxygen and the fact that I got to fat to fit in my wheelchair , so even if I had a larger wheelchair we'd not get if thru the doorframes inside the house, we struggled with the one I originally had , so it'd be getting me out of the house to get into a wheelchair and most days I can barely move a few steps before my legs start shaking and I collapse,  I can't even stand straight anymore either. 

    I was put in  the hospice last October when I was given 6 weeks to live but with the steroids and painkillers,  I perked up so to speak and in November I was sent home to spend time with my wife and pets,  I wasn't expected to be still here .

    It's only some days that I feel like stopping the painkillers etc but I know they are what's keeping me pain free and I certainly don't really want to be in that much pain again,  it just gets depressing at times knowing I can't do what I used to or want to x

  • It's not local but I did spend a month there, that's the only reason I'm pain free now .

    It's just frustrating sitting here wanting to do the stuff that I used to and no longer being able too, like wiping my own bum , I can't do that so you can imagine the issues I face should I need the commode when I'm alone .

  • I spent a month in the hospice thata why I'm pain-free  now .

    I just get fed up of not being able to do what I want , not being able to wash my own privates is horrible and not being able to wipe my own backside is frustrating,  even washing my armpits is a chore , it leaves me so much out of breath and wears me out , the extra weight doesn't help, getting on ans off the bed feels like I've climbed a mountain 

  • I do have mobility and pain problems but nothing like your experiencing, as for the inability to do what I used to, I fully agree with your feelings, if I want jobs doing I have to get our son in law to do them I supervise.

    Ho for the life we once had, still we are here and still breathing and hopping someone comes up with a new treatment or cuer.

  • I do wonder how I am going to get on with all my problems and when they say that's it go home and enjoy the time you got left , Do I party like I use to drinking , smoking , drugs etc . 

  • Hi  

    I'm very sorry to read of your situation. I agree with everyone in that, a hospice may be able to manage your care better at the moment. I would say that you have reached a crisis situation and that you are unable to tolerate life as it is at present. Have you got district nurses/specialist nurse/palliative care nurses that you can contact? Is there any possibility of having some of the fluid drained?

    I sincerely hope that you are on your way to having your care managed better. If matters are not in the process of being managed, please ring the Macmillan helpline, this is the link to contact

    www.macmillan.org.uk/.../contact-us

    The helpline staff will advise the best way of starting the process. You deserve the care and help you need to make you comfortable. Please don't struggle on.

    A x

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