On Christmas Day I want to celebrate being alive - reaching another goalpost and hoping I might see next years too. But what about those who just missed this goal?
I was utterly shocked and shattered 3 days ago to receive a message that a mum of 2 lovely you g boys (10 and 6) had collapsed with a catastrophic stroke in A&E last Wednesday, having been taken there after acting strangely for 24 hours, by her concerned husband. She had stage 4 bowel cancer; was on immunotherapy and seemingly doing well - was stable and hoping to go on a family holiday in the Spring. She’d been diagnosed late, having had problems getting medics to listen. She’d only had the diagnosis for 18 months and had spent the first 10 months really ill. We spoke a few weeks ago in the phlebotomy clinic- laughed together and she jokingly bragged about having fewer side effects than me. She was lovely. Last Sunday she was chasing her boys around and chatting to friends. On Wednesday evening she had died, never having come round from the stroke. The dad collected the boys from school to bring them to say goodbye to mum. Back at home the gifts she had wrapped sit beneath the tree.
I cannot take this in. I have survivor syndrome. I am 20 years older - my kids are grown. I have lived. It has hit me hard and I feel angry, confused, shattered. Holding it together for my own family but again I am reminded how much I need to talk to a professional yet there’s no one there. 2 months since my “urgent” referral and nothing. No one understands- no one gets it. This death sentence yet needing to keep on going and put up with listening to the “you can fight this” crap and “stay strong”! Why should I? Why can’t someone else have a turn at being strong? I’ve just had enough. I want my normal, ordinary life back please! And I don’t want to be mourning the loss of a lovely young mum who could still be alive if someone had told her something different. If they’d listened to her.
that’s it - my rant. I’m leaving it here.
sorry- sorry - sorry
Hi GreenClifflady yes it's horrible seeing young people pass who should still be here. We lost a distant relative diagnosed same time as me she passed 3 years ago leaving 2 young daughters 7 and 9.the looks I get from some of them as if I shouldn't be here. The treatment working for me and didn't for her. What they didn't realise is it broke me. For my families sake amd mine I've had to get on with it. This site has pulled me through a lot of things. Being able to rant, getting things of our chests and knowing others have been going through the same . My old life is never coming back so have decided to enjoy the life I have. I've become quite blunt with some incentative people but hey ho that is how it goes. Keep talking it out on here , there is always somebody to answer you.. I dance or walk or just scream when this crap cancer gets on my nerves 
. I'm thinking of you and sending hugs xx
Moi
I'm sorry to read that you are feeling angry and frustrated. The unexpected death of the young mum is a shock and heartbreaking for her family. I have some understanding of the kind of limbo you describe, knowing that death will come knocking but not knowing when. On my bad days, I think - is this it? What is the purpose of this? Am I just supposed to wait for cancer to come back? I am incurable but currently stable. I get frustrated by people who don't understand what incurable means and want me to be all clear because it makes them feel better. People don't understand the impact of cancer on mental health and the toll the treatment takes on physical health. I am finding that I am starting to avoid people as the brain fog and difficulty with concentration makes conversation exhausting. Therefore, Christmas is not a good time for me. As Moi2 says sometimes bluntness is a good strategy. My boundaries are high these days and I put limits on things as I don't have the energy.
As regards the counseling https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help/emotional-help/bupa-counselling-and-emotional-well-being-support
Have a look at the link above, it may be useful. Ask your specialist nurse to refer you for counseling. If you are having treatment ask those nurses if they can refer you. These are the routes I took, I know services differ by region so they are just suggestions.
A x
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