I've actually been on here for about a week now but only just thought to post on this part of the forum. Well my diagnosis is advanced metastatic prostate cancer, the treatment is conservative/palliative so it is not curable and it is life limiting. I was diagnosed in this state in June after admission as an emergency with a psa reading of 5000+. It is currently a decimal, not sure of the exact figure. I could look it up but the hormone treatment has worked well to date. As to how I am about it and everything I thought I would just post a few words of reflection I wrote in October.
I was lying down after a long immersion in the bath. Such a powerful emollient thing and so integral to all the palliative care I now receive. The pain was minimal and I was really relaxed just looking out of the window at the branches of the great tree swaying in the wind, lit but the sun, the leaves just beginning to turn colour for autumn. This is the nature from which I emerged and of which I know as little as the time I return to it. There is a feeling of continuity with or without consciousness. That must be something but is as mysterious as the day is long. In my mind I had some fond memories. I learnt to live in harmony eventually with life. It is not easy in this world. I am sad but not afraid to leave it. I feel the sadness of my friends who say they will miss me. I cannot ignore that. But it has to happen and I have acclimatised to that and in the depths of my soul there is peace that sees me through the periods of pain.
Hi Fliegel
welcome to the grouo but sorry you have reason to join us here.
I have spoken over the years about the grief i feel for the life i once had. Living with an incurable cancer changes you both physically and mentally. When I was first told I was incurable, I felt very angry, but I didn't know who with! This made my feelings very difficult to handle, because i had no where to focus this anger. Then came denial. I found it very hard to accept that this was now how my life would be. I think this just made me more angry, and in all honesty, I probably should of had some counselling at this point, but thats denial for you.
Then came acceptance. This wasn't easy, and it took several years for me to get here, and I understand that not everyone is as lucky as me to have this time. But with acceptance came peace. Grief never ends, and anger does occasionally still manage to show its face, but the peace i now feel far outweighs that.
Reading your post, I believe this is where you are now. You have found acceptance and peace, and what a wonderful place that is.
Hello Fliegel
What a cracking post - thank you for sharing it. I know this cancer affects us all in a different way and we have to deal with the mental aspect of the diagnosis in our own way.
Like you I have Prostate Cancer (although your PSA figure of 5000+ is way ahead of my 182 in the Prostate Cancer Top Trumps) and having been on this journey almost 5 years I am one of those folk who takes an interest in their diagnosis.
I was originally told I would be on a "curative pathway" and the more I researched into "our" cancer the more I thought - no I am incurable, and when my team finally confirmed the change in my diagnosis a few months ago I was already prepared for this and it came as no surprise.
Two points in one of your posts above are spot on for me:
I have a lot of peace in me
and
I have found a lot of solace in humour.
Yes, I am at peace with my diagnosis and yes my sense of humour is now wicked. With these two thoughts in place I am happy to move forward and face any future challenges head on.
I wish you well moving forward and again - thanks for your post.
Kind regards - Brian.
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