hello - looking for hope in the daily struggle xx

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hey, hope you all doing ok of sorts today.

ive joined as im looking for some hope really I guess. two years into an incurable breast cancer diagnosis and im finding this ongoing ness of cancer all a bit much. understatement. I have two children 16 and 18 and I work part time. my treatment made me feel really tired lately and I just feel worn out and pretty fed up. what do you all do to to keep going.. my partner died 5 years ago and that makes me feel very worried for the future for my children I cant deny that. today I am an aching bucket of misery and there is no denying it.. waiting on scan results and that is all consuming and I feel I should be better at this by now but im not. im sorry to complain.

torn a tendon in my ankle and its very sore and stopping me from walking that is the thing I do to keep my head from rolling off.. need to work on accepting my diagnosis but I just dont seem to be very good at doing that. think I need to talk about some more but my children been so traumatised after their dads death 5 years and and the suddenness of his death. I feel like a ticking time bomb and as their mother I cant bear to be a source of more pain and thats how I feel. they know I have cancer with ongoing treatment. when I was diagnosed we all agreed including a family therapist who we were talking to about grief after suicide that I just said I have cancer and have carried on with treatment the whole time. two years on and im feeling the strain. they are both in better places now and I will take to them when they've done their exams this year.

I wonder how you all feel with the daily grind of carrying it. I know some days are harder than others and my inability to get out is doing my head in this last week. I want to feel more positive than I do but im struggling right now and cant seem to find a place to land and be ok with it all.

thanks for reading and sorry if its a bit soul searching and depressing.. xx I just got sent a message about harming myself by the community. I would never do that as thats what my partner did and it was horrible for everyone left behind so dont worry on that front.. x

Moi2 4 days ago in reply to Charley10

Oh I forgot, loads of armchair exercises on YouTube take your pick. X

Moi

Fleabane 1 day ago

Hiya Charley....sorry I didn't reply sooner, my head has been in that...oh goodness scan results worrying time.

But that's over for next 3 months..very mentally wearing.

Anyway, back to u. It's all overwhelming and doesn't get better does it. This winter has been so wet, cold, muddy that my walk have been few.

I've knitted, crocheted, read books, baked until I'm bored witless. Add the tiredness, lack of stamina I was getting like you. I also have 2 sons that live at home, one who is losing his eyesight. So I understand the worry of your children's future.

But spring is on the way, the lighter days, and until then I am trying something new. I found this place called cookbooks. If u like that sort of thing, its like oh ermmm a wooden self assembly thing of different fantasy buildings for example I ordered the library cos I love books, but they do a cafe, a grocery. Oh loads even Harry Potter rooms its so difficult to describe. But almost, but isn't like a 3d jigsaw...

If u let me know what interests u I may be able to give u some ideas..

But your here, in a good forum and many do so many thing from gardening, waiting, visiting places..all sorts.

Sending u a huge hug and much love

Charley10 1 day ago in reply to Fleabane

thanks you so much for your lovely warm thoughtful message. glad your results are through and good. still waiting on mine but somehow today was easier.. no rhyme nor reason really just my brain not going into darker places..

love all your interests.. im going to focus on tidying up polytunnel but it is so cold up here still and living in scotland think I have a few more weeks until I can be outside so will concentrate on sorting my foot out and what seeds I can buy xx

thankyou for your lovely message xx ill have a look at cookbooks as sounds amazing thing to be doing.. xx

Leelaloo 16 hours ago in reply to Charley10

Hi Charley sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I don't have children so it might be easier for me. I have four dogs and they are my children. They are the reason I get out of bed and walk them every day. I am sorry about your injury I hate not being able to go for a walk. Maybe planning for when the weather warms up and your ankle is healed. Prepare for the things that you want to do. I really hate the mud having four dogs the mud is all over the house after our walk in the woods. I have secondary breast cancer as well. I have lots of bone mets every where and spine is painful. I do admire you for carrying on working I took early medical retirement but I must be older than you, I am 60. Sending you big hugs.

Lee xx