Stopping Treatment - coming to terms with my decision

I read a very mature post, balancing treatment decisions with The Future, and rejecting others' demands for a "bucket list".

This has no rationale for me: 

Cathyg said:

I feel like I should be constantly doing something to make the most of the time I have left

It sounds to me that you're there, but beating yourself up because you're not on-the-go 24x7, whilst stating you've done all you want to.  

You have nothing to prove.  You've already made and justified the Big Decision to yourself.  Relax.  

Sending you love and hugs 

I know what u mean. We find we have cancer, we're are scared but manage to hide our true feelings. We battle on, not for ourselves necessarily but for others.oh what a battle it is. Smiling, saying oh all is OK. Yeah the treatment is going well, u move into another form of survival in your head, but constantly it comes back to cancer...then the day arrives when the treatment is of no use. All the old fears are back. Ur brain doesn't want you let others down,  I have no energy on this treatment my brain is in a funk, my words get confused, we laugh about it all.

Like u I dont have a bucket list, but the guilt of not walking my dog often enough, that my house isn't clean enough,  that I'm not a good wife or mother.

This uselessness, I cant settle feeling i need to be doing, showing everyone that i am fine and my anxiety is through the roof.

I am sorry that u feel so rough. I think it's about making another adjustment. Easy to say I know, but slowly u need to make that mental adjust anyway u can. 

When people pity me, I smile and say I am content,  they pity me more, they don't realise u dont have to be doing to be living. 

If u want to sit in your chair eating a huge box of choices then so be it....if others want to be doing that's fine too....

I have been very tired and very anxious but I forgot my other tools to help my anxiety. I have let the cancer and other people's comments overwhelm me.

Do u remember when u first found out about ur cancer, the medical team told u to let them control ur treatment and u take control of what u can.

It's the same now. Let them deal with your care. And u accept where u are now and do what you can when u can however u want to.

I am sorry I can help more. Am wishing u love and hopefully can find mental time to relax and find comfort where u can.

Hugest hugs

Hi Cathyg  I am really sorry you are feeling so anxious. Has any one in your medical team spoken to you about the hospice care. In the “old” days this was just the place to go to die, so I know how scary the word hospice can still be to many. These days Hospice offers so many helpful services including Pain/symptom control, physiotherapy, complementary therapies, emotional support and companionship. You can meet other people there who are in the same situation as yourself, but you can also talk to one of the staff members there about your feelings and emotions, and I think this will really benefit you. I have used the hospice myself for physiotherapy and it truly is a very calm and welcoming place to be. Your GP will be the one to arrange a referral for you so please do speak to them if you haven’t done so already. 

Wishing you lots of peace and comfort xx 

The best things are often the small things that have always given us pleasure, whatever they are. I also don’t understand the chasing a bucket list thing, if nothing else, I am not sure I would have the energy. I don’t know how to reduce the anxiety but know you have no need to justify how you feel and what you are or are not doing. I don’t think this time of year helps either as there is too much expectation to be making ‘fun’. Hope you find some peace.