Dealing with estranged people reappearing

Hi Kbm104  I can understand that you are feeling angry about this, as it does sound like she has only got in touch because someone has told her this news. 
It does sound like you do care about your sister, as you have continued to send cards and gifts, although not getting any interaction in return. You do not have to reply any time soon to your sister, if at all, but I think you should give yourself some time to think this over, and do what you think is best for you. Do you have to tell your sister about your diagnosis? No you don’t, you don't have any responsibility to tell anyone, it’s your health not anyone else’s. But do you think you may want a relationship with your sister? Do you think you can regain some of the relationship that you once had? If you decide that you have coped well enough without her, then you may decide not to try and rebuild this. 

They say that blood is thicker than water, but that is not always the case. Your happiness is what is important, and maybe she is feeling guilty now for not contacting you sooner, but that’s on her and not you. 

You need to give yourself time to digest the fact that she has got in touch, and only reply once you feel calm to do so. 

Having cancer can bring all kinds of people out of the wood work, but it doesn’t mean we have to give them any of our precious time. It is our right to choose who to let in, and who not. I myself have made my circle very small, and have walked away from many friends who I believe were taking up too much of my energy. 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do, but do it for you, not for your sister. 

Dear Kbm104, I can't and don't wish to judge your relationship with your sister but it does rather sound as if curiosity/guilt are involved neither of which are very sound foundations for love or friendship. I have lived abroad for 40 years and am still in very regular contact with my brother and one sister back in UK who are both very supportive. If one of my estranged siblings decided to contact me after all this time, I would not even be angry or question their motives, I would just coldly ignore them

Thank you so much for your responses.  I'm filled with fluctuating feelings as I have been since diagnosis really. 

I can't believe she knows as she didn't contact me over Christmas to say Happy Christmas or thank me for my gift. I think my older sister (who I told) has bullied her into contacting me - probably thinking reconciliation was on the cards with a single message. 

I didn't realise how angry I was with her, I was 'rising'above it, sending her messages while she treated me with contempt. 

When I was first diagnosed I got very sentimental and was going to have bracelets made for my sisters, to remember us as children.  Then I grew angry at the way they've treated me over the decades. My feelings come and go in waves, I suppose Im processing it all. 

It's too late. You don't give someone the cold shoulder for 30 years then expect a warm welcome.  I was diagnosed just before my birthday this year and she got her daughter to phone but she didn't talk to me. You can imagine how that felt.

The only reason to talk would be for her, her feelings and I'm not interested anymore.  I'm wondering if I'll change my mind. 

Hi 

I don’t have any siblings but I can imagine we all want to be loved by our immediate family. However, if your sister has not treated you well despite you making all those efforts, I feel she probably is contacting you for her own sake rather than yours. At this point in life, we don’t need to waste our time/ life on people who has no positive impact on our lives. 

Move on and spend more time in people who truly care for you. 

Happy New year 

Stella x

Hi Kbm104, sorry I'm late to reply to you, Christmas time has taken up a lot of my time lately. In addition Mrs Tvman and I are getting a new kitchen installed starting on Monday 5th January, we have a double garage jam-packed full of kitchen units, tiles and the odd new kitchen appliances so that's why I have been busy. 

Oh dear, what a predicament you're in, stick with the 30 year lack of communication or twist and allow your sister back into your life. What to do? 

I've never been in such a situation nor as far as I know has any immediate family member. I'm taking a very different attitude to those who have previously replied. I think if it were me I would be open and consider forgiveness as I think it would eat away inside me if I didn't at least make an attempt to re-establish communication because unless I tried to understand then I would forever be thinking what if? 

I can understand your anger because your sister has frozen you out of her life for almost half a lifetime. Yet, she has taken a first tiny step towards reunification. Your emotions must be unbelievably torn, stretched and twisted but the fact that you have written about this to the group makes me feel that there is a remote possibility that you want to try to understand why she has behaved over the years. If matters don't have a positive solution at least you can always say that you give it a go. Lots of baby steps will be needed to decide whether you can forgive but of course you can't ever forget. 

I have lived all my life in Northern Ireland and to say that politics have taken a surprisingly massive about turn that many would never have believed possible, is such an understatement. Here also many thousands of people would never have imagined that it would have been possible to have reached this point of change however at the same time we can't ever, nor should we, forget...

Tvman x

Good morning Kbm104. My older sister and I are very different people and never had a close relationship from the word go. When I moved away we did not stay in touch. My mother took very ill when she stayed with us a few years back and sadly passed away. Of course I phoned my sister to pass the sad  news on to her, expecting her to come over here and help with the arrangements for the funeral. True to form she told me there is no need for her to come to her mums funeral since she would not know who was in attendance anyhow. Needless to say I put the phone down and will never ever speak to her again. I have lovely children, grandchildren and friends and have never felt that I would like her in my life ever again. As others have said take your time to think it over and go with your gut feeling. I will be thinking of you, take care

Angie and Lilly xx 

Angie I am so sorry your sister thought it was ok to say such things, that is unforgivable and like you, I would walk away. I have found it much easier since my diagnosis to block people out of my life that are not important. I was always the one to give people a 2nd chance, but not anymore, one strike and you are out! Far more important people in my life to give my energy to x