Bad day...

Hi Lex, yes I remember the early days, tests,  scans, bloods, appointments behaving like everything is OK, smiling when you just want to scream and the never ending waiting, even now 3 years on I still have a touch of denial and put thoughts about my cancer to the back of my mind, and like almost everyone on  here have dark times and could cry for England sometimes, and the constant visits to the hospital are a pain, but Lex, what you are feeling is normal. But things do get easier, appointments will decrease and you will be able to switch off from them, and get on with your life, it  won't be the life you or any of us wanted, but it's still a life worth living, a new normal but still full of possibilities and good times, I'm a 59yo male and can cry at anything, and it doesn't bother me at all, as it makes me feel better, just accept your bad days my friend, and focus on the good ones 

Eddie xx 

I know the feeling.

Diagnosed as incurable, terminal. Living a life as a normal person and in denial.

 Cheekkat I read your bio, such a long and hard road you had to diagnosis. But yeah, exactly what you said. I hope we both find a better way to live soon. 

Lex - xx

 eddiel Thank you Eddie. It's good to know it can get easier. It feels like I'm in a chaotic crisis stage where I have cancer as a constant companion. But yes, still a life worth living. 

xx

Hi Lex and everyone.  I know the feeling as I have been in denial since I found out I had stage 4 breast cancer in September 24.  I am 59 and I feel generally well except aches and pains and the terrible tiredness.  Had lots of scans on my head and have to see oncologist on Wednesday.  Does this ever end?  I shouldn't complain because I am just starting and lots of people are worse off than me, but I am already tired.  I had stage 3 cancer twelve years ago and it felt like my body was not my own.  I have just got it back and now it starts over again.  Sorry for the moan.

Lee x

Hi Lee and Lex

I was in the same dark place when I was told of my incurable diagnosis last year November. I was definitely in a very dark place. But I am happy to say somehow I am feeling OK now. I feel almost like before the diagnosis. I can get on and enjoy myself and banish cancer to the background. 
I found making plans for things I enjoy really helps. I want to make sure everyday I am going to do something I like. I also make plans for a mini breaks even it is just one night away. A change of scenery help me enormously  

Hanging there , you can do it! 

Hi just wanted to reach out  and say that everything you are feeling resonates with all who are on this site for the same reason as you .you have my sympathiy about the various medical interactions I am and always have been a private person hating the idea of being poked and prodded examined etc. and even now I dread the thought of consultants appointments ( when I invariably become emotional,) scans etc. which  are mostly painless can still send me into overdrive. I feel sorry for my husband as he accompanies me . I have completed my chemo in august but as my lymphoma is only detected with scans  or MRI I now have regular appointments to assess my progress. More  prodding and poking and a million questions . Like you the stress of my many thoughts sometimes feel overwhelming but the many conversations that I follow on here make me feel I am not alone . It is good that you have caring people around you sometimes you just need a listening ear and  some company . No shame in needing tissues I have a box in practically every room . 
you will have many replies to your post and I  hope you feel better  I trust that each day has at least one thing that has made you feel a bit brighter . 
there is a lady who posts on here regularly and I hope she will forgive me for finishing with her post script

yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery today is a gift  ( present ) x Chris 

Hi Lex,

denial is probably not the soundest strategy but I don't think there is anything wrong with detachment. If we don't learn to detach ourselves from appointments, therapies, side effects and the rest, we'll just stay at home and brood, google, get even more worked up and make life generally miserable for ourselves and everyone around us. I did it from my double stage 3 diagnosis in September of last year right through to December. Then Christmas came along and my wife asked me if the children and grandchildren could come on Christmas day. I was recovering from radiotherapy at the time but I said yes, pulled myself together, went into detach mode and, although I couldn't eat or drink with them, I helped my little granddaughter open her presents and had a really good time. Best Christmas I've had for ages.
As Eddie said, it's not the life we wanted but there is still so much joy to be had. I hope you have lots of it.

Thanks everyone. Appt with clinical nurse went well, and still been so damn tearful since. 

 Leelaloo I found something I'd scribbled in a notebook after my initial diagnosis "It's not my body anymore / I have no choice over this / Things will never be the same again." Your post resonated with me. I hate you feel this too but it helps to know I'm not the only one. And never apologise =) 

 Stella2020 glad you're doing better now. Thanks for sharing. I maybe need to up my game with enjoyable things....! Not minibreaks, I font like leaving Tiki too frequently.  Though I'm going to London for 3 nights at the end of Feb. 

 Hilo13 I've cried my way through every single procedure that was more than just a blood draw. Wish I could always have a friend with me, but most work M-F, 9-5. I'm glad you have your husband. I find painless scans hard too - I feel so vulnerable as I can't get off the bed without help. They're too thin to push up from and no rails.  

 Gilpat  Thank you. And maybe denial isnt healthy, but I can't deal with everything all at once,  the things I'm purposefully ignoring (denying) are things like possibly (probably) dying in hospital, brain mets robbing me of capacity,  not outliving my cat, needing to move to a more accessible abode. They're very much a bridge to cross when the time is closer. I struggle enough with knowing that 30-40 years has been knocked off my life, that I'll never have a child, I'll always be in treatment until it's time to die. The big things. 

I do have good experiences, times I enjoy. But I'm always 2 steps away from breaking down if I encounter a problem that before I would have dealt with effortlessly. I'm glad you had a good Xmas, and you have many more fun times with family. 

Lex - xx

Hi Lex, you are absolutely right, the practicalities will slot into place, but acceptance of the things you are struggling with will take time. If you like reading, there are good books on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy which might help you move forward.