A bit lost

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First post. 76 yrs, male, married, 2 offspring, 2 grandchildren. 
Was diagnosed with liver cancer (HCC) Sept 2022 after regular ultra-sound monitoring as I have Cirrhosis. My consultant offered TACE procedures to my two tumour sites as a management tactic not a curative one. I have received those but yesterday was informed I needed re-treatment for one of the tumours. 
I thought that I had taken the news well that I had a life-limiting condition (12 to 18+ months). My wife and I reviewed and reorganised some financial issues, I did a few practical things round the house that needed completing and I had a few phone conversations with support staff at the British Liver Trust to learn a little about what I was facing. I had mild anxiety now and then but thought things were under control. 
I have a small knot of male friends and a supportive wife who herself survived cancer 13 years ago. I am an atheist with strong Christian values. I have noticed over the past 30 years or so that I am drawn towards Christians because we share similar views, except the God thing. I can’t bring myself to open up to anyone face to face about my muddled thoughts of my impending death and so my anxiety and anger is rising. 
Any ideas?

  • Morning

    I am sorry you have had to come here, though you are most welcome.

    Advise i really do not have any as such, though you can express your thoughts, worries what ever you need, to get of your chest, no one judges the other.

    We are all in the same boat, and it is  full, with a load of lovely people, that will support you and advise, if they can..

    I am past my sell by date, how  i  got here, i am not sure, though i am, i had a crap day yesterday, though this morning,  climbed back up..

    We all understand how the mind is a powerful thing, and we all need a switch so we can turn of, when it is driving us mad.

    I have to say, we do learn to deal with it some times, though this is a hard hard road, we all travel, and we never know how long it will take us, to reach the end.

    I hope others come along, and can advise better, than i.

    Just wanted to say Hello. 

  • Morning

    It's good that you have shared your thoughts here. My diagnosis in Oct 2022 came as a huge shock and I hid in a hole for quite a while. And I too had feelings of anger. Everyone here will empathise with you. It did get easier and I now take each day as it comes and I'm glad to say that I'm comimg up to my second Christmas. Having good friends and a loving supportive famiy not to mention a sense of the ridiculous sense of humour has gone a long way in helping me not to dwell to much on the outcome.

    Take care


  • I'd suggest you ring the Macmillan helpline for a chat or find a counsellor.  I think people on here have said that macmillan may be able to provide a few sessions for free.  

  • Hi  

    Hello, I'm a fellow wine fan myself. Welcome to the group, everyone here is friendly and supportive. It is a safe place to be able to express how you really feel. There is a place on here called The Room and that can be a good place to vent. As Mmum has said Macmillan offer counselling sessions, this is the link to contact https://www.macmillan.org.uk/about-us/contact-us

    Your cancer specialist nurse may also be able to refer you for counselling. If you don't want to talk to anyone, it may help to write everything down. It helps me to get my thoughts out of my head and on the page. There are also journals available with prompts, to make you think and look for your own answers, solutions or management. A book that helped me was, How to live when you could be dead by Dame Deborah James. I hope I've given you a few ideas but ring the helpline, they are excellent and will signpost you to help, advice and services that will help you. Best regards.

    A x

    What is a Community Champion?

    I am a Macmillan volunteer. 

    Macmillan Support Helpline

    0808 808 00 00 

    7 days a week between 8am -8pm

  • Hello Winelover and welcome.  This is a roller coaster ride for everyone with its ups and downs but as time goes on, and you are still here, it does get easier. Your diagnosis was relatively recent and in my opinion, it takes a long time to come to terms with what is happening. I expect some people never quite get there. I am pleased to hear you have a supportive wife who obviously knows how it feels, having lived through it herself.

    I wonder when you say you can't open up to anyone, do you mean anyone you know, like your wife because you don't want to worry her or your friends because you don't know what to say? Is there a Maggie's Centre in your area you could pop into for advice or could you ask your GP or the Liver Clinic to refer you somewhere to talk things over, preferably to a stranger. Or as others have said to call the Helpline or speak to a McMillan nurse at the hospital you attend. Like others here, I am well past my sell by date. I have cirrhosis of the liver caused by the Trial drug that has kept me alive, so I can't complain. Instead of feeling angry about what's happened, I try to channel my feelings to think positively about still being around to see our grandchildren grow. I take each day as it comes. As Ellie said, some days are bad, with pain etc but the following day, I try to draw a line under it, if possible, and start again the next day to think of positive things I can do, rather than the things I can no longer do.

    I do hope you continue to post here and in the meantime try to arrange to speak to someone who knows how to help.

    Love Annette x

    Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, Today is a Gift!!!
  • Dear sister moon , thank you for the helpful suggestions. I will look up the journal.