Just reaching out

Hi everyone

I have stage 4 bowel cancer and latest scan results tomorrow.   I’ve had so many UTI’s and now have a chest infection and am feeling really low.  I’ve had lower stomach pains for quite a while now but have been waiting to speak to the consultant as it could  be something to do with my almost permanent UTI.   I’m so scared about tomorrow that it’s making me think the worst and the chemo fatigue is really getting to me too.  I have 2 weekly chemo now which is just too much really.  

I just want to feel a little better and remember it’s all worth fighting for instead of thinking I’m dying now.   I was given 2 years - 1 yr 5 months ago and have been so positive up till now.   These ailments could all be sorted and the results as positive as I can hope for ie no change in lung nodules and cancer near my ureta or even signs of shrinking.  It’s been a hard slog since 2018 and I’m not much liking my negativity now or my lack of hope. 

Sorry for the moan - better out than I’m hey?  

  • Hi HAC 27

    Please don't apologise for how you feel, God knows we have enough to contend with dealing with this dreaded disease.

    I really feel for you as I'm in a similar situation and I too hate the fact that I've lost my positivity. Hopefully,  once you have clarity from your latest results, and understand exactly how you will feel on your treatment, you may start to feel better. 

    Speak to your oncologist about the side effects of treatment and get medication to help you cope with this.

    Only yesterday I had to stop the clinical trial I was taking part in due to my scan results showing the cancer has progressed and I was in a lot of pain. I was told a year ago that I'm incurable, so when I started this trial in mid May, I felt that this was the last chance saloon. Yesterday I felt devastated and couldn't stop crying, wondering would I even get to Christmas. Today, I've felt slightly better but know that I, like everyone else on here, has to have that hope that things will improve.  

    It is a hard slog, but somehow you will find that strength to carry on fighting for you, and for your family that you love so much. 

    These chats are great for offloading and the people on here are totally amazing in their responses. I often read the comments but rarely comment or post, but felt the urge to reply to you. 

    Keep me informed, keep the hope and keep fighting. 

    Sending love and hugs.

    Helen xx

  • Hi HAC27,

    You moan all you like here, then do what we all try to do, dust yourself off and start again. I wouldn't worry at all about the timeline you have in your head, there are lots of us here who are well past our original sell by date! Chemo doesn't work with my type of cancer but I think any treatment can take it out of you, especially when you have side effects. What you have to think to get through it, is this is fighting this beast for me! Everyone gets fed up or we wouldn't be human but the secret is to not let it get a hold of you. 

    I think once you have had an incurable diagnosis, every ache and pain seems worse and we think Oh is this it! When it could just be the start of a cold or something simple.

    Good luck with your results and please let us know how you get on!

    Love Annette x

    Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery, Today is a Gift!!!
  • Helen 

    Thank you so much for replying.   Your reply has certainly made me think.   You are so right in all you say.  Losing positivity is so hard.  I have just woken up and am sat up in bed thinking to myself that today I will be more positive.  I won’t know anything until tomorrow so let’s try and enjoy the day for what it is, a day of life.

    I now have daily pain in my lower stomach which worries me so much but I will just have to wait!! 
    Sounds like we both had an awful day yesterday - I can’t imagine how being on a clinical trial and having to come it must feel due to the spread of cancer.  I am so very sorry to hear everything.  iit makes me so sad we have to endure all this.

    My original sell by date will be March 24 and i have the exact same feelings about it that you do about Xmas.  Your message has given me some fight back today however so thank you.  Wishing you strength and positivity today too.  

    much love

    Hilary x

  • Hi Annette

    Thanks for your reply it really helps.   I am trying to dust off and restart today being more positive. I understood what you say about be terminal date and it’s hard to get it out of my mind but I will try!

    You are so right about every ache and pain - I just think 0h it’s the cancer taking more of a hold on me but with a chest infection, UTI and low immune systems it’s hardly surprising I feel so rotten.   I’ve kind of shut myself away feeling who wants me like this I know I don’t!  But will call a friend today to chat.    

    Thanks again and wishing you a good day. 

    Much Love

    Hilary x

  • Hope you've had a better day today Blush

    Cat x

  • Hi there

    I’ve tried to be a little more positive today but it’s hard!! Seeing the specialist tomorrow and was called for a blood test today which is worrying me. 

    Have a good evening 

    Hilary x

  • Hi Hilary

    I'm so pleased that my reply was able to re-ignite some positivity in you!

    When we have pain, it makes it more difficult to deal with anything and everything, physically,  mentally and emotionally. 

    I do hope that you had a better day. Slight smile

    My day today was better than yesterday, I managed a short walk!

    I see Annette responded to your post too. She is a great source of positivity and has helped me through some down days recently. 

    Keep in touch, love from Helen xx

  • If i'm right in thinking, i've had to had a blood test when i've seen the consultant. I'm sure they do this just to make sure everything is ok while you are there with him... i could be wrong. But i'm sure all wil be ok.

    Maybe if you can allow a little extra time and grab a coffee somewhere, people watching is a very good distraction.

    Take care and good luck today 

    Cat x

  • Hi Cat

    Todays the day!!  I’ve just had a video call from my granddaughter of 2 and a half wishing me good luck!!!     So lovely but bit tearful my end!!! 

    I will grab that coffee, accept the news and plan the next course of action.  

    thank you for your thoughts, it means a lot


  • Ahhh I'm  so pleased for you, it can only get better Wink

    Cat x