Friends who struggle with being themselves around you

Hi, Billy Blue, yes we've all been there try telling them talking helps and anything they ask or say will not offend you, which is what they worried about, they probably think just because it's cancer mean imminent death not so, think of something houmerous to say show joking is ok and your still the people they have got on so well with, All the best Ulls 

Many of the groups on this forum have discussed this, or the stupid things people say after a cancer diagnosis eg "blah is a good cancer to get!".  It's all related.  People don't know what to say.  The complexity is that everyone is different, and need different things from our friendships.  Some need to talk about it, some don't.  Some want to have a select inner circle, some want to talk about it to everyone.  

I am in the "tell virtually no-one" camp so everyone treats you exactly the same, so my direct experience is irrelevant here.   But somebody else on here posted exactly the same situation about a year back.  

I would suggest you introduce the topics you mention above that are now the elephant in the room.  You could ask the question of yourself "well, how am I today?" and then answer it.  Or you could just say you've noticed the scope of the convo has changed and you want the conversation to continue as "before" and why. . . . . I don't know, it's tricky and I am the direct type who just embrace the problem head-on and that doesn't sound like your style at all!

Hi Billy Blue and welcome. I have recently replied to Bev on a similar subject. The thread is called "Upsetting Day" maybe some of the comments there could help you too. Please have a look.

Hi Billy Blue 

It sounds as though the problem is, it's become a pattern so then it's more difficult to address, as they probably think what they're doing is saving you hurt or themselves, as you said. 

My experience of this is, don't make a joke about it as I just got blank stares/omg tumbleweed situation, then ignored as if it hadn't happened. I was made to feel as though my joke was being crass/inappropriate. Which is a bit weird anyway as it is my situation.

I would just state that you need to talk about something with them, that it's something you've been putting off. If you put it over that it's you that hasn't talked about it, they will not feel hurt and should be supportive. It's a difficult one but I bet once it's done it will be like a weight lifted. I wish you well, go for it,

A x

These are all really helpful replies so thanks to all of you. I am going to see them shortly so I will be brave, assess the situation and bring it up in the best way I can. 
i will also check out the other threads that were mentioned. 
thanks so much x

 Lynn

Hi Billy Blue,

They may think they're doing you a favour by NOT talking about it.

Right from the start I let people know that when I'm out and about, I want to enjoy myself. I'm going out to escape cancer for a couple of hours, and therefore don't want to talk about it.

Otherwise I'm just wasting any time I have left if everything is cancer this and cancer that 

And it does put a dampener on the day if someone is talking Ba about death and dying 24/7..

Why not enjoy their visits, and if you want to talk about death and dying, come talk about it on here.

Its what I do.

X

It might be helpful to start by asking them how they feel about your cancer being mentioned. I don't know about you, but I sometimes make assumptions on how others are feeling. 

I am so with you on this ooej.  I had this talk with my family the day i told them.  which was as soon as possible.  Ludcky me was able to see most of mine and I did it this way.m .  cancer will not or will never define me.  I amm Jill ive always been jill and always willl be.  dd  That means being honest.  Gijve them the permission to talkk to you.  It will be hard for them - harder than for us.  We are musch more resilient tha they think.  As they learn to trust wha t you saide you will notice a change..    Its really hard for them.   We all know the death willl coome. but i live for the good days.  And wece had some doozys!  Wdhen i was well they th;rough me a suprised party at my hourse - oh boy it  was fantastic.  This is how i want to be remembered - to give my loved onese new memories of it wasnt all miserable   I also had my worse day in tuesday just gone.  I was ready for that! but by am i prepared now.  But it waas only a day.  I have neuropathy in my hands so its very had to type. so i hopee you can understand what I an trying   get in touch if you want, and if not good luck on your adcenture/journey  jill age 59 xx

wow annette i love that quote - mind if i use it too?  xx