I have been putting on weight lately. I don't think I can sugar-coat it, I've spent the last 4 months eating my body weight in chocolate, mince pies and the like. I have been feeling unhappy about having cancer and that I always will, till I pop my clogs. Now, I must make it clear that in this I am talking about my self image and self judgement when I say that it's tough enough at the best of times getting my cancer-ridden overly ample figure through my Pilates session and round the block on a walk and being heavier and having more padding in the way is not in any way helping. And I've fallen off the swimming waggon completely. I always was so fit and active, I tell myself, I did a physical job and walked everywhere and I am crestfallen about what's become of me. OK I have to have cancer and I don't want to, but I don't have to give in to being unfit, right? Well, unfit I am, and less fit than I could be. Oh, I don't feel good about having gained weight, and I stopped fitting into my jeans weeks ago.
I can admit to having had a kind of self destructive death-wish about my recent biscuita/cakea/chocaholism. It goes like this. I don't drink any more due to the disease in my liver, and I have zero self control so I'd better not start that again. So if not an evening glass of wine, how about a 200g bar of chocolate instead...a couple of nights a week...when I'm not eating mince pies? Or even as well as mince pies? And a cake after every meal and in between meals and a packet of biscuits before I go to bed? Yes I feel knackered because of the treatment and the disease and I feel worse being overweight but why should I exercise restraint on top of all the other rigours and privations of having b. cancer? Raising my blood sugar and my blood pressure and having a fatty liver can't be good for my outcome but I'm stuffed anyway, right? And I feel pretty terrible about having secret binges which my missus always notices and forgives me but I know she's unimpressed and the dog is insane with jealousy and Oh pass the biscuits....
Well I've managed this week to not buy more chocolate and not eat everything in sight, and I've sort of stopped putting on weight, but that's not going to make it easier to move unless I actually lose a bit. And I don't know the rules of the game now- if I cut things out (well other than cakes obviously) will I send my bloods out of whack? What if my calcium goes too low due to chocolate deprivation? What if I need the extra layer later on...which nutrients can I do without? Obviously the sweet stuff but where's the fun in life without a sticky toffee pudding? I'm in mourning....no I'm not, there's still some in the fridge...
So, answers on a postcard please. Do others recognise this sorry tale of addictive eating in the context of feeling sh*t about what's happening inside my body? Do others struggle with the person they see in the mirror? Have others, and how have others stayed as fit as they can for as long as they can, and has anyone got a really really good recipe for Chocolate Guinness Cake?
