Husband not coping with my diagnosis

So sorry to read your post Holls. It's such a difficult time for you both. Not something you ever dreamed would be happening & coping with the unknown is hard. You really need your husband on the same page as you.

My husband didn't hit the bottle but on a few occasions he went out with our best friends when I wasn't up to it and broke down to them. My friend told me in confidence the next day. I was so angry as I'd been trying to get him to talk to me about our next steps and more importantly getting our finances in order.

It's not fair on you but I do understand how tough it is on our loved ones to cope with this too. We've still only just managed to touch the surface as he buries his head in the sand. I cornered him one morning and he cried like a baby and couldn't stop. I felt like I was completely in the wrong for bringing it up and ended up comforting him and not sorting anything at all. It's so frustrating. 

I wish I could give you some advice but if your husband is anything like mine then you might have to take things slowly and casually bring things up a little at a time. We are making some good memories too but I do feel a little let down by him at times as I feel like I've lost my rock and having to deal with things on my own. 

I hope you have someone else you can talk to about this that maybe able to have a chat with your husband. He may find it easier to open up to a friend.

I really hope it gets easier for you.

little fi xx

Hi Holls and welcome, I don't think we have chatted before! I am so sorry you are going through this without your husband's support. In fact it's worse than that because he is actually making things worse for you! I wonder if there is a member of his family you could ask to have a word with him, a sibling perhaps? It is possible, because of his drinking, he has no idea how it is affecting you as at the moment, it's all about him!

I've read your Profile Page and I am so pleased you have shrinkage, long may it continue and I do hope you have support from a friend or family member until, hopefully, your husband realises things aren't quite as bad as he thinks!

Sorry to hear this. My ex-husband is an alcoholic and I would say that you need to catch him sober (and ideally not hungover) for an honest conversation. He probably feels helpless against your cancer and is drinking to blank out his pain. Maybe if you could give him suggestions of how he could help you and explain how his drinking is making things harder for you. He may not realise! It can be tricky getting men to talk but he probably feels guilty talking to you about his problems so you might have to suggest someone else he could talk to or a counsellor. I hope you can catch him before he gets addicted to the alcohol, it's a tough one to escape from. Good luck! x

Hi Hollsmolls

I'm so sorry for you, and for your husband too. You both need help and of course your husband is the only one who can realise how much he needs.

Last year I revealed to the community that I was drinking too much. I also sought help from a local outreach centre that my GP suggested she would contact. Due to the pandemic the lady who contacted me and I couldn't meet so all weekly consultations were done by telephone. I was given the choice of stopping all alcohol or settling for a much lower intake and I chose the latter.

I had so much support from my friends here for which I was grateful. It humbled me and right now there's a tear in my eyes as I'm writing this email. Please try not to yell at him, he's looking for a way to cope. Suggest to him that he contacts your GP who may have knowledge of outreach people rather than AA although both of course are excellent.

You can also contact the MacMillan helpline who can advise you. What was good for me may not work for your husband, but trust me, there's a way for your husband. Let him know that this is not the way for you, it's essential that you want to start making nice memories, not watching him ruin his body and life at a time when you need his support, I repeat, you need his support, he's being selfish but can't realise it.

I hope you have success Holls, good luck.

Tvman xx

Great post Tvman, one of the best I've seen on here.

Stuart x 

Thank you all so much for your honest, personal words of support and advice.

Love Holls

Thanks Stuart, the tenner is in the post lol

Tvman