This cancer journey is certainly an emotional roller coaster. As I sat on the loo last night, waiting for the final shart of that session, having struggled to walk there and feeling sorry for myself, I had a small road to Damascus moment. Since I have had clots in my lungs I have been on blood thinners, which meant I had to stop my anti inflamatories, leaving me in more chronic pain than usual. Therefore I have just started on Co codamol which is OK (not as good as the diclofenac) but makes me a bit nauseous and woozy at times. I have osteoarthritis in my lower spine and knees (I am obese) which is the source of my chronic pain.
Anyway mentally I have been struggling to get back to normal as despite the chemo finishing in July I remain tired, short of breath and constantly knackered. It occurred to me last night (on the loo) that I am actually incurable and that I have been struggling and failing to get back to a pre cancer normal. I need to be kinder to myself and change my thought processes accordingly. This might be obvious to others but for example, when I go to the park and totter a few yards with my walking stick I should be celebrating the fact that I can still walk rather than beating myself up about the fact that it is only a few yards. Ditto I can't stand for long enough to cook a full meal for my family but I can sit at a table and peel and prep veggies and shout instructions from my sofa (I am sure they appreciate the advice). Also I can't garden as I used to but I can plant spring bulbs.The list goes on. I need to view it as more glass half full stuff and less glass half empty.
So there it is, just a small change in mind set, I am actually sick, I do have incurable cancer, and any activity achieved is a good thing and I should be pleased with myself and not beat myself up with what I can't do any more. It doesn't change what I do but I feel as though a weight has been lifted from me. I just wanted to share in case there are others out there who have unconsciously been beating themselves up over their 'failures' and not celebrating their achievements sufficiently. It is so easy to be self critical and less easy to be kind to ourselves. It needs to be practiced.
Hi Nicky Nosher your post seems to have struck a chord with a lot of people in our group. I remember a discussion about what 'quality of life' means to us, and several people, myself included, said that it had changed as we dealt with set backs, side effects, disease progression....and so on.
I agree with there's a grieving process for the life we had or expected to have, and HarleyD it's hard to adjust to all the changes that are imposed on us and see our choices and activities deminishing. I had my lightbulb moment after an emergency admission to hospital with pleurisy and pneumonia which my Consultant said should have finished me off. When I recovered enough to be able to engage with the people around me I knew that that was my line in the sand. I realised that I wasn't going to get better so that I could go back to work or return to previous levels of fitness but to spend as much time with family and friends as possible. I started to see the 'sofa days' as days in the bank rather than wasted days. I'm grateful for all the treatment I've had and am still having but I'm no longer going to agree to treatment that makes me so ill I can barely function.
You're right Nicky Nosher it takes practice 
xx
Norberry haha, the other ones are funny so it's all good
I took a long break earlier this year, too many losses and so much sad news, it goes with the territory but it's heartbreaking. I remember Gragon saying he'd never cried so many tears for people he hadn't met. I don't think it's selfish to look after yourself, I think it's essential. Remember the instructions, "put the oxygen mask on your own face first".....
I remember being overwhelmed by the amount of support here the first time I posted. There's so much common ground and a level of understanding I haven't found anywhere else. So even if you haven't taken it in you're here offering support, sympathy, advice, whatever's needed. And sometimes just being batshit crazy and giving us all a good laugh.
xx
