Feeling strange

Hi , I’m wondering what pain meds you are on at the moment as reading what you were saying reminded me of my Dad. He didn’t have cancer he had Parkinson’s and sometimes he would double check with me if I could see people, that he could see but logic told him weren’t there, and they weren’t. We all put it down to the cocktail of medication he was on. 

The non logic side of me has remembered that the day before his funeral my sister told me that my Mum could hear someone singing when she was at the hairdressers, I asked what time and what song and found that at the same time I was sitting in my car 200 miles away sobbing and singing the same song that was going to be played at his funeral, I just felt compelled to sing it. I had interrupted her story though as she was about to tell me that our brother heard the same song at the same time at his house. So I suppose I look for the logic but have to be a bit cautiously open to weirdness.

i haven’t been very good at mindfulness, my coping has been distraction keeping myself busy, and mindfulness for me in the past because of its stillness, let in all the things I was trying not to think about. I’ve gone back to mindfulness though this February and onwards to give it another chance as I wanted it in my tool box of coping strategies for if I was not well enough to go for a walk. The local cancer centre did a Macmillan HOPE course, and then when lockdown started they arranged for HOPE to be done online and did an online mindfulness course for a few weeks and still do a weekly mindfulness session that people can join online. 

I am glad the strangeness doesn’t frighten you, and hope that you’re coping ok.

Hi

I am glad you found an app you like. I think meditation can - should - bring up difficult emotions. It’s bound to. But it’s only by examining these feelings with curiosity and no judgement that we can get to the bottom of them. It brings up great feelings too. It’s through meditation that I’ve discovered I still feel joy and delight. There is a relaxed, calm state to be reached, the kind of zen master of movies, but it’s not reached instantly. It comes from daily practice. 

As for your apparition my guess is it’s a side effect of pain medication. I am on high doses of opiate pain killers right now and I hallucinate. Often it’s a spider crawling along the edge of my peripheral vision. Sometimes it’s a person who’s just out of sight. It doesn’t bother me having these hallucinations. Having put it down to the drugs I am very open to there being something beyond. I’ve had experiences like KT’s and I am not one who’s given to that kind of thing. It’s probably worth mentioning your experiences to your doctors when they review your meds. 

love and hugs xxx

Hi I hope you are feeling OK today, I am on morphine only been on it a few weeks before then it was tramadoli dont take big doses just as and when I need it  am so sorry about your dad and it is strange what you said about that song, I can sometimes be asleep and will be woken by someone shouting my name really loud like there right next to my ear I wake up nobody there, last night was a lot of trying out all the different parts of the app and I got a good night's sleep for a change, thanks for you reply gives me piece of mind and lots to think about i hope the mindfulness helps you too xx

Hi hope you are feeling OK are you still in hospital? Thanks for your reply i am enjoying the practice with the meditation and slept really wl last night dont no if its because of that wish I slept like thT every night the strange feeling do not scare me but will mention it all to my oncologist in August well its the 24th which is my bloody birthday really i do not like him its usually always bad news I will keep practicing and let you know how I am finding it if yku are still in hospital I hope you are home soon, love and hugs back xxx

Hi

Yes I am still in hospital. It’s the weekend now so it’s very boring. I had my staging scan yesterday at 4.30pm and depending on what that shows we will either carry on with the chemo or give it up as a bad lot. They are hoping to get my pain under better control, largely by adding in steroids to the mix but it’s not helping much so far.

Today I am experimenting with a TENS machine. The last time I used one of these was in childbirth.  I’m finding it very helpful so far. 

I hope you enjoy your day today and that your meditation is soothing. It’s a shame about seeing your doc on your birthday but needs must I suppose 

xxx

Aww am so sorry you are still in hospital is it no visiting with covid ? I really hope they find something to help you with the pain at least in there they can keep trying different things, never heard of a tens machine but then never got round to having children i really hope your scan results come back OK,  on a lighter note at least its no cooking in hospital and when i was in i did not mind the food xxx

Hi Daloni,

I could not find your post from the other day,so have jumped on it this way. So sorry you are still in hospital & I agree the wekends are totally boring. Hopefully they will be able to get your pain under control  as there is nothing worse than intense pain most of the time as it becomes so draining. The Tens machine sounds good, although must admit I have never used one myself,but do know others who have found them very useful.

I had the carbo/gem yesterday,& don't feel so bad this time,but that is because this time I did not have the pain from the pleural drainage.so I am keeping my fingers crossed that the nausea will just fade. I really do not have much to complain about in comparison with you. 

Take care, let us know about your about your staging scan & whether or not the chemo will continue.

I will be thinking of you. Love Georgette xxx

Hi Charlotte Louise

I think I have mentioned that I am having frequent hallucinations, some worse than others and when they're bad they're really bad. Others are strange like I'm in bed reading and I see a young bloke lying beside me on the edge of the bed and he's reading a book.

I hadn't intended posting, I'm catching up on what's been occurring here. I'm so so tired these days, I'm still in bed, dozing now and then. I read your post about someone shouting your name and I had the same thing last night. I was looking at my phone last night in bed and my wife was beside me, also reading. Someone suddenly yelled my name. It was so loud and of course I shook. My phone leapt out of my hand about a foot and landed beside my wife. She realised what had happened and was quite cool about it. I asked her if she had heard the voice too but she hadn't heard anything. Not even a whisper. So unnerving.

Charlotte Louise, I hope yours don't get as bad. I was discussing with my GP and my Haematologist lately but neither have any real answers. I'm worried that if there's a repeat of a short while ago when my wife spoke to me but when I looked at her she was a bright yellow blob which quickly melted in front of me. I'm worried that I may feel I'm being attacked and I retaliate. I've told both doctors about that. I don't know what to do.

Take care Charlotte Louise and please stay safe.

Tvman xx

Hi tvman am so sorry you are in bed and have no energy my problems are nothing compared to yours i do remember you telling me about how bad your hallucinations was think maybe thats why i am only taking the morphine  as I need it then hopefully they won't get so bad I agree that docters ect can't help it would just be try a different pain relief. The name calling its so strange I wake up and expect to see my hubby there and he's fast asleep or sometimes its happened when I have been on my own it is unnerving I hope that does not happen to you any time soon again its not a good feeling, do you like music I have been listening to some on a meditation app it was so relaxing it sent me to sleep one made me cry dont no why it started making think deep thoughts family and stuff but the others where relaxing at least if you are dozing in bed it may help you sleep i no what you mean about been tired it never really goes i have only had 1 day so far this week when I had a little energy then day after back to been tired keep me posted on how you are doing tvman I hope uou can get a little energy back and enjoy your garden you  take care too xxx

Hi tv man 

Sorry to hear you are feeling unwell.I hope you feel better soon.Must be strange the hallucinations I did have one once when I took sleeping tablets I felt someone standing next to me really weird.I have no energy too gone to bed have a sleep and sometimes feels better.Hate it when it’s sunny though don’t mind when it’s raining.