Feeling sad

Morning

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the loss to your sister, but I am SO pleased to hear that they were allowed to see him and be with him at the end. That will be of great comfort to them as they go through the next few months as well. 

As you say, he's at peace now and his suffering has ended. And while that won't be much consolation to you all at the moment, as you all move forwards it hopefully will be. 

Guilt is an odd emotion that we inflict upon ourselves, and I've never been able to work out why we have it. But there it is, popping up at odd old times. I don't know if it would help, but if you can, try to change those thought systems around. Maybe instead of survivors guilt, think how good it is that you are still here to be there for your sister - even from a distance - to support her through this. And in that vein, you're keeping your distance from the world so that no-one in the family needs to be worried about you as you battle covid. So you're staying safe and as well as you can be to lessen their worries and woes at the moment.

But I agree 100% with the last line, don't you go anywhere. There are lots of people who enjoy having you around and in their lives because you're awesome!

Take care, and do shout if you need anything. You know where I am! My thoughts and best wishes to your sister too! 

Lass

Xx

Oh tinalay I am so sorry to hear your news, and wanted to send very best wishes to you and your family, these are hard times indeed so I am sending you a hug.

lass has written very eloquently there about guilt, she is spot on with what she says, so i will stop, sending you love, heather xxxx

Morning  Lass

Thank you so much. Yes, it really does help to bring a bit of clarity to the situation. You're right, there are still plenty of ways to support them all and it's far better that I'm here for the family.

Talk soon.

xx

Morning ,

I'm sorry to hear about your brother in law and would like to offer my condolences.  It is good that his family could be with him at the end.  I appreciate that what we feel at times is an instinctive reaction rather than rational thought process but imagine how your sister would feel if she had needed to deal with the death of her husband and twin sister.  It is cruel that your brother in law died so soon after diagnosis but I know that there is often a feeling that the person with these conditions is no longer suffering.  I know that it is often a trial for the family members and raises some real emotional conflicts in them especially when the person's needs can no longer be met at home.

I am certain that once the lock down is over your sister will be looking to you for support and indeed is probably already doing so over the phone and you still have so much to offer her and others.  Whilst I do love this site, one of the drawbacks for me is that I have never cried so regularly in my life before at the loss of people who have quickly become friends and mean something in my life.  It is a regular reminder of the fact that treatment has worked for me but not for so many others and I think that guilt is a regular occurrence for lots of us here.

Wishing you and your family all the best,

Gragon xx

I'm am so sorry to hear your news Tinalay. LBD is awful, my Dad went ten years ago from it and I think he and your brother in law are in a happier place. Thank you for continuing to help people on this forum in your time of grief.

Tinalay

So sorry to hear your news. I am glad the family were able to be together. Time is so precious isn't it.

Lots of love to you all

X

My Dearest

First of all, let me offer my most sincere condolences for your family’s loss. Please accept my condolences in these formal words because these words matter at these times. I am so terribly sorry that your family has lost this wonderful man, this husband, father, and grandfather. I am so glad that your sister and their two daughters were able to be with him at the end, I hope that this is of a comfort to them and I hope it will be of comfort to their son to know that his work may contribute to ending family separation. I know nothing about this terrible disease other than what’s been said here, and I hope that in time your family will be able to see his passing as a merciful release.

I am so sad for your loss too. I’m very close in age to my sister although not a twin and I know to see her happy is one of the factors that makes me happy in my life. To see her sad makes me sad. 

I can bring no personal insights into your guilt. We have both written here on this site about the powerful force of guilt as an emotional component of grief. I think we have both also written to here about how knowledge of this process brings no relief to its experience.

Can I also say I have noticed your absence on the site this last two weeks and wondered through the haze that’s descended on my brain whether something was up? I twice thought “I wonder if tinalay is ok?” It was unlike you. I am sad I was not able to reach out to you.  I refuse to feel guilty, however. 

I’d like very tentatively to share a small story with you about me and my sister. It’s something that’s happened in the last two days. The long and short of it is that she had been acting like an idiot, and I’ve been feeling cross about it. I was able to reach out to her with kindness and offer her the space to talk about why she was acting this way and tell her how much I want and need her by my side. She was able to explain how she’s running away from what is happening to me, how every fibre of her body is resisting it. And that now she’s been able to turn around and look at it in the face, she wants to be alongside me too. 

I’ve been able to say to her how glad I am to hear this. Until now we’ve been sitting in separate corners of the same room, each facing the corner. Now I hope we can walk forward hand-in-hand. It’s not the path either of us would’ve chosen, but I’m stronger with her alongside me.

I hope you will be able to find a way to walk alongside your sister in her grief, and in yours.

In normal times we would offer words of comfort around time being a great healer. I think both the beauty and the horror of the situation now is that we don’t have time. There are curtains that we simply have to cost to one side and doors that we have to pass through much quicker than we would like.

Be brave my darling Tinalay. I know you as a courageous, wise, kind, loving woman. If you have shown us the very best of you on this site, then you are among the very best of people and I am honoured to think of you as a friend. 

With much love 

My dear Tinalay

What a horrific situation you and your twin sister are going through. I've  just been shaking my head in disbelief. I don't know what to say that others haven't. Your sister is going through a hellish time having to deal with two of, if not the two, most important people in her life being diagnosed with life threatening illnesses. I know she doesn't know me, apart from possibly when you went for scan results I think it was, and I suggested you bring something green but please offer my condolences. I think she was with you that day. It brought you good fortune on that occasion.

Three of my aunts never married and shared the same house for about 80 years. Their good living and good diet lifestyle saw them all reach the grand old age of 100. The first one who managed that feat didn't know people that she had known for a lifetime but however smiled at every visitor and offered each one a cuppa. She died in her sleep.

The second one was hard of hearing for most of her life which deteriorated to almost complete deafness in her late 90s. Unfortunately she also lost her sight in the nursing home after her big birthday and before her death. I can't begin to imagine how that felt.  Both sisters had glaucoma which runs in the family. 

The third sister was 100 last January the first. She also has no idea who people are and her sight is also affected by glaucoma however she is very much alive. The only medication she takes is one aspirin daily. I used to be in their house every day for many years and I can't remember ever seeing the other two take medication. 

Dementia is an awful condition and I have been been suspected of having it but nothing is happening because of the corona virus. 

Back to you my dear friend, I hope you can help your sister through this terrible time and she in turn can be a massive help to you emotionally. 

Tinalay, or little Tina as you explained to me, you have so many friends and confidants in this group who will also be a massive emotional help to you. Any time you need a friend, they're in abundance here. Let's hope your prognosis of 6 to 18 can be extended by many months and you can grace us with your presence for many more months.

Take care Tinalay

Tvman xx

Good morning

I’m aware it was the middle of the night when I wrote to you. I just wanted to pop in to say good morning my darling. I’ll be thinking of you today and holding you in my thoughts.

Xx

As Gragon said on another post sometimes simply writing things down helps to make more sense of what's happening and the emotions that are flying high. 

It's been so comforting to read these replies today full of love, kindness and wisdom from people who are going through so much themselves.

I feel stronger after reading them. Every single reply has helped to put something in the tank, helped to build some resilience. Your support feels very strong and tangible and I'm beyond grateful.

Love to all.

xx