Coping

Morning  

Lovely to meet you but am very sorry it's in these circumstances. You must still be in shock and it sounds like your poor husband is terrified. 

When my Consultant first told me that a scan for a symptom thought to be unrelated to secondary breast cancer had revealed an inoperable skull and brain tumour the ground just opened up under my feet. I spent sleepless nights planning my funeral and worrying about all sorts of things, my husband and I were on the point of separating, our youngest son was doing his finals at uni, my twin sisters husband had been diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia.....I also grieved for the things I'd miss and couldn't see anything beyond a few months.

That was 2 years ago. It takes time but it does get easier to live with this rollercoaster. You've come to the right place and already had some good advice so I hope you'll be able to get some support for yourself and your husband.

Having a treatment plan really helped, I hope there will be some good news for you next week,  something that will keep you as well as possible for as long as possible.

Another thing that made a big difference was learning to live life as much as possible, although that's more challenging than ever in this crisis. It might also be a bit too soon to hear that.

Keep in touch and don't worry about putting a damper on anything, we've all been there.

love and best wishes,

xx

Hi Devon Cat

Welcome to the group from another newbie.    

I got my diagnosis on 15th April and am still processing everything and I don't think you would be normal if you were handling it well.  I go from angry to upset to why me and can burst into tears at the drop of a hat ...

Trying to speak to my husband is difficult at the moment as he doesn't want to talk about it but I think that is men as a species they are not good at talking about feelings and bury their heads in the sand. I think your partner like my husband needs time to come to terms with what is going on just as we do.  

I was nervous about joining the group but it was the best thing I did and the support I have had even in this short time has been amazing.  This is the place to get things off your chest/as questions and get support - I think you could even post "aaaaaargh" without any other explanation and everybody would get it.

Love and virtual hugs

Deb1E

My partner won't talk about it at the moment, I try to get him to talk but he'll only say a few words about it, yes sounds pretty much like your situation,.

Aaaaaaaaaargh I wanted to scream one day at the beach but nothing came out,

Stay safe and thank you 

Hi

I am sorry it’s taken me a while to welcome you to the group. I’ve been a bit busy having a medical emergency. I know it’s not a group anyone would be competing to join but so many of us are glad we did and it becomes a lifeline. I hope you will find some comfort and support here too. 

I am not sure what to say about your husband that’s printable. He certainly needs to talk to someone who can help him but I suspect it’s not you. 

But what about you? You say you’re not coping very well with a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and the prognosis of 6 to 12 months of life. I have to ask, what would coping well look like? Would it be standing on the Devon cliffs with the back of your hand to your forehead looking out to sea? Somehow I doubt it. If by not coping well you mean you’re having a very difficult emotions that are distressing and that you’d rather not be feeling, I think that is totally normal. There is no way around a difficult situation like this. It’s like the Bear Hunt. We can’t go over it, we can’t go under it, and we can’t go around it. We’ve just got to go through it. And there will be lots of anger, tears, bargaining. If only I’d done x then perhaps the outcome would’ve been different. If I can just get the next anniversary I’ll be ok with it. That’s all completely normal. Just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, not to be overwhelmed by it and try to be kind to yourself. Try to remember that they are just feelings. They won’t last and they will pass through. 

This might sound foolish but something that really helped me in the early days of a very distressing situation was a three good things diary. I had a little book that I kept beside my bed and at the end of the day I took out a pen and I wrote down three good things from that day. It might have been something as simple as having a cup of tea with the sunlight on my face or seeing a friend or looking at a flower. Just the act of thinking about something good and writing it down every day over time really did shift how I felt.  There are lots of other things you can try such as meditation, relaxation or counselling. It’s maybe early days but it’s really worth spending some time working on this emotional aspect of your situation. It is possible to come to a place where you feel if not happy then certainly some degree of acceptance. I speak from experience. I’m happy, truly happy, a lot of the time. 

Feel free to use this community in any way that works for you. You’re definitely allowed to say aaaargh. You can be angry, you can be sad, you can actually have a laugh as well. I’m really looking forward to getting to know you. With a name that has two of my favourite things in it, Devon and cat, I hope maybe I found a new friend.

Lots of love Xxx