Cancer and wanting a date

dear
you raise a very interesting subject that I’m not sure I have seen explored since I have been a member of this part of the community so thank you so much for raising it. I’m sorry you partner had an affair at the onset of your cancer it must have been very painful for you to deal with while you were already dealing with the shock of your diagnosis, however in the long run you need people around you who are 100% on board in regards to supporting your goals for your treatment. As with all things in life preparations are key, you probably need to explore what you would like from a future relationship, what level of commitment you can give and your expectations of the other person, as long as these match up I can’t see any barriers that can’t be overcome. Dating again after a marriage breakdown is difficult with or without cancer as your self esteem has probably taken a few hits. I have been married for 36 years and my hubby stepped up to the plate when I was diagnosed and I don’t let a day go past without reminding myself how lucky I am as I know this is not always the case. Hopefully fellow forum members will be along to share their experiences with you and I hope you hang around as we can offer you support and encouragement on all aspects of your cancer journey, it’s a great group of caring and compassionate people who have helped me an enormous amount.

I have found an article which you may want to read that sums up very well the challenges and dilemmas you might face whilst dating with a diagnosis of cancer.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/dating-and-cancer-513970

Dear Klh!

First i want to say i'm sorry for what you had to go trough!

It;s never easy to be betrayed! And i'm glad you would like to go ahead with a new relationship.And i don't think it will make a difference if you have cancer or a disability or whatever. If you find a partner you like and he/she know's you got cancer then they will take you as you are. My little sister has epilepsy and trough she never will find a hubby, but she did. As the saying goes ..there is a lid for every pot.

Pet 

Hi

Men! My husband had an affair after I was told I had incurable cancer and left to be with his ski instructor. Talk about a cliche. 

I don’t want a new relationship although I do occasionally muse about it. What would it be like to find a new love at this stage of my life?

I find that I can’t imagine the person who would want to be with me. I’m often in a pretty sorry state physically - years of cancer treatment have taken their toll. I definitely can’t imagine wanting an intimate relationship.  I’m not terminally ill yet but I’m on clinical trials as we’ve run out of conventional treatment options. The only certainty is that I won’t last long. If I found another love they’d be signing up for heartbreak. Could I really do that to another person? In all seriousness I wonder what they’d get out of a relationship with me? I’m reasonably well off as I own my house and have savings so I’d be wary of gold diggers too.

Reading this back, I wonder what it says about my self esteem and body image? Actually I think I’m ok about my body and happy about who I am. I have lots of friends and we have a lot of fun together so I know I’m good company. 

I’m not trying to talk you out of looking for someone new for you. We are all different. But personally I prefer to treasure my girlfriends. We have so much fun together and we love each other so much. I know they are there for me but I know they have their own families and commitments that mean I can’t come first for them. I have realistic expectations. 

To answer your question. How can you find someone who understands? I guess, given that you’re here in the incurable group, that you have an incurable cancer diagnosis? One place you might find people who understand is by volunteering with Macmillan. I’m an online volunteer so I don’t meet people face to face but there are lots of opportunities for meeting people in other roles. Check out the in your area pages or search volunteering on the main site and see what comes up. 

Good luck in your search. 

xx

Heya

I was dumped by my partner of a year after I got the diagnosis of cancer. It wasn't even incurable then, and we'd not found the second one either, lol. He just heard the word cancer and ran for the hills.

I'm on a dating site, which is eyeopening to say the least, and I have the fact that I have cancer on my profile. It means that if they don't want to deal with the whole cancer thing then they don't get in touch/reply in the first place. Much easier than trying to get to know someone and then find the time to slip in there that I've incurable cancer and am disabled. Because that was just awkward as anything, especially when they then ran for the hills shortly after too.

So if you go down the online dating route, put it in your profile and be up front about it. If you go speed dating, again, be up front about it. If you meet someone the old fashioned way in the pub, just casually drop it into conversation. And if you meet someone by socialising in a hobby type atmosphere, folks should already be aware just from conversations etc.

The key is being honest, because to be frank - telling someone you've got cancer is going to scare them off about 90% of the time. And I get that, because the media have kinda made it a big scary thing, and most people aren't going to want to put the time and effort into getting to know someone, falling in love with them, only to lose them to the cancer.

So put yourself out there, be honest, and brace for a lot of rejections. But it's the only way to do it if you really want to find someone!

Best of luck!

Lass

xx

I suppose my first reaction was “ men “

We are not all the same and neither are “women “

surely this should not be about physical it’s about care understanding and having intelligent expectations . I  am 70 have myeloma and serious asthma and have gone from 5:8 to 5:2 in 3 years I have permanent vertebrae fractures and lost half a lung .i would love a companion to share things with someone just like me . I have my persona and life experience to share and to live more and more : yes it’s tough yes it’s lonely but its worth every moment to give and share and see what comes our way in return .Ron 

Hi Ki

I was dumped in my lounge by my then partner of 3 years ; I was well but had the diagnosis of stage 2 myeloma ; after one month she ran for the hills ; and that was after 3 years in what I thought was a meaningful relationship ; it was cruel and it scarred me but I’ve met people since who could never do that . I am still the same man and I will find my kindred spirit .