Bad days

Dear

welcome to the incurables group, Im sorry to read of your diagnosis. The feelings you describe will be familiar to most of the people in this group. I think there is only so much emotional pressure you can keep in your head at anyone time and at some point you become totally overloaded and you go into a kind of shut down like a computer. So what I do is have a reboot, if there are any things or people who are draining you of the energy you need to maintain a good quality of life you need to seriously consider putting them to one side. Part of having a terminal diagnosis is learning how to put yourself and the people close to you first and not feel guilty about it. Life throws enough at you during the normal course of events but when cancer comes calling you are entitled to live a different kind of life to make things easier to cope.

That makes total sense thank you so much. Just as I thought I was drowning in emotional pressure one of my best friends arrived knowing I was struggling and talked me through it all. Amazing how much a friend can do 

Hi  welcome to the group! I’m glad your friend was able to help, I think everyone on here will recognise how you felt, but I’m am glad you are feeling better now. Sometimes we can use our friends to help and sometimes the online friends on here help too, as there is always someone to recognise that emotion you are having. Enjoy the rest of the day xxx

Hi Stellas Keeper,

it always helps me so much reading the posts here.  I don’t comment often but when I read yours I wanted to say that I have been feeling the same the last couple of days.

I was told last Wednesday that things have got worse and my rectal cancer has now spread to my liver, it was only in my lungs before.  I am due to start 6 months of chemo next week after I have a PICC line fitted.

i have wonderful people around me who always help me through but right now I want to scream.  Lots of people asking me to do things with them, only wanting to help and keep my spirits up which I appreciate but just don’t feel like it after that news.

I will get over it and get on with it as I always do but such a comfort to know that I am not alone in how I feel.

I also care for my mum who has dementia.  Although I get lots of help with this now I still do lots for her and just don’t get peace to deal with my own illness.

Best wishes

Sheena x

Oh Stellas Keeper ur C trip sounds almost like mine down 2 the cancer type & year of diagnosis. 

I've bn a pretty positive person over the last couple of years all considering but 2020 doesn't look like bring a good year 4 me. Spending more time at home & by myself has given me reflection time. I've never bn a PJ person but its hit me this time.

The bathroom has bn my go 2 place - have a bath, have a cry, get it out my system...and ask "why me".

When friends come round utilise them - they want 2 help, might not know how but put them 2 work. Or get them 2 take u out. A walk, a coffee, appointments. I relish just getting away from my own 4 walls - its lonely. Anywhere near the beach/woods - go there & give a big scream. Let it out. Make it a game 4 the kids but c it as a release 4 u.....

I'm waffling 2nite....

Take care 

WB xx

WB thank you . Your describing my life right there.  I've lost a friend of 20 years through my own fault. She had breast cancer the year before mine returned.  I went with her for every appointment.  The min mine return I couldn't even speak to her as all I could see was why me again? She survived and a year later she was all clear and very low risk of return . She went back to her old life like nothing happen and I resented her for it. Vile I know but I couldn't see past the cruel ness of it. I'm in my 30s 2 young children and a loving family and I'm terminal. Shes nearly 60 lived alone no family no children and I just wanted it to be her not me. A year later we are talking but I've never told her why . She is amazing and literally sent me a text once a week all year just to check in. I rarely replied and now she is still there for me after all I've done to her . I want so badly to tell her why I couldn't speak to her but how can I?? Xx 

B4 I was diagnosed I was one of those selfish people who thought why would u give expensive treatment 2 someone with a terminal cancer diagnosis amongst other things, wot a waste of money..now I would take (& have bn fortunate 2 receive) anything that might buy me extra time. My Onc has fought 4 me at every opportunity. The original team didnt think I would survive this long with the c*** diagnosis i was given all on the 22nd May 2015. My goal is daughter's graduation on June 30th but it's looking a bit far away...I'll try though

WB x

Funny how we look back on stuff! I was looking back on photos of me first time round and they make me angry as I was all cocky like nah I dont need to call this temperature into AOS .. I'll be fine... sepsis twice ! Hated that me. Being brave is one thing but just being stupidly cocky is no way forward ! I know that now !

Is your daughters graduation this june ? You have to have things to aim for whether they are realistic or not. No one knows. Look at all you've been though already and the big C hasnt beaten you yet.. still fighting aent you?  X

Hi Stellas keeper

I don't think we've spoken before now, or maybe once when you came in to the group

 Never mind but, it doesn't matter. As for telling your friend how you were thinking, I don't think you can tell her or you will possibly lose the friendship of a truly wonderful lady who texted you week after week after week.....I think you need to put those thoughts behind you and move on. Many people I'm sure would have felt like that. Cancer is horrible and it doesn't just affect the body, it affects the mind too.

You have met an absolute gem of a friend who wants you back in her life. Not sure if you are able to go out, if you can, meet her somewhere. If you can't invite her round and invite her back into your heart and life. 

There's a few people who have spoken to me about losing lifelong friends after diagnosis. I have lost one or two, I met a couple on holiday in Madeira a couple of years ago and the lady had had cancer. Her husband guided me to the side and said they had lost a couple they had been friends with for years and he was asking me was it common and I truthfully said yes, snd asked him to call them and make up. Clearly there was a reason for them to feel like that. Sometimes people don't know how to approach you, they don't know what to say or if they do, then how to take the first step.

Stellas keeper, please make the move and contact them again. You are as aware ss I am, what can happen in a day or two, how life can throw anyone a curve ball at any time. Don't spend any more time thinking about it, just do it. And good luck!

Tvman x

Morning

It's lovely to meet you but I'm sorry it's here, and I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.

Life can be very cruel.

's post struck a chord with me, sometimes it's just overwhelming and you have to be kind to yourself. Lots of good advice there.

At such a young age and with such a young family you have every right to scream and feel angry. One of the hard parts is not letting those feelings dominate you but to realise that they will come and go. It's ok to have bad days there will still be good days.

As for your friend, I agree with tvman I don't think you can ever tell her how you felt. You could write down everything you'd like to say to her and then tear it up. You're not a bad person, you're a good person having a bad time. All your friend needs to know is that you were in a bad place.

I was told that the local breast cancer support group don't encourage people with an incurable/terminal diagnosis to go as it sends the wrong message to the others. As my councillor said, it's also not easy to be in the incurable/terminal group and around others with an excellent prognosis. 

As you can see from the replies, you are not alone. There is always someone to talk to who has shared those feelings, perhaps still struggles with them and can help.

so sorry to hear your news too. I'm in a similar position and start palliative IV chemo next week. In November I was told things were stable so didn't see this coming. Good luck with your treatment, I hope it will keep you well and stable for as long as possible. 

xx