Reading

Hi Gargon

Thanks. I have done a couple of readings in the past, the last being in York Minster at my brother and his wifes blessing service. Of course the reading was chosen for me.  I know I will be nervous more so because it is MY reading but I'll try and keep calm. Deep breath and best foot forward as they say.

Ellie x

Ellie is a big comfort. She loves playing tag. But you have to let her win it. Ellie. I can’t face funerals, I never was good at facing them. I ran out of my Uncle’s. He was a parachute regiment soldier. It happened during the last post that the royal British legion was playing. The last funeral I attended was my boyfriend he died of unfindable cancer. He was a smoker. I couldn’t face reading what I wanted to tell him, so the funeral director read it. At the end of the day, you do not know how your coping reflexes will react. Personally I agree with Grayon.  Please forgive me for incorrectly addressing you. Grief shouldn’t excuse our consideration of others.  I am not going to have a funeral service. Too expensive. It has angered some. But I tell them that they have all had up to now over a year to say goodbye. So in a way I’m glad I’ve made my choice, so then it’s not going to stress people out. But she’s your friend, only you can really decide. But I’m sure that if you was my friend, I’d be concerned for you, how you would cope with a funeral etc. Much less how you could cope with a reading, especially something that is going to be a strong reminder of your own. As an friend I wouldn’t dream of taking your special reading. If I was your friend I’d be worrying how you would cope with any funeral. I’d more likely to ask you to come to the wake. 

Sorry for getting your name wrong Gargon.

Hi JackD

I went to a funeral a couple of months ago and I felt slightly traumatised by the whole event. I think will just zone out at the service.  She has no children or close family and will be her own.  I am starting to dread her phone calls, is that horrible of me?  I am running out of words to say.  I haven't been feeling brilliant today so I told my husband to say I was having a nap if she rang.  I had to ring her back and listen to everything again. I know she is alone but I am only able to give so much.  She was crying she will be on her own for Christmad and her husband was the only one who bought her presents.  I will be away over Christmas for a week visiting our first grandchild and will be busy with family.  She keeps asking me to ring her on Christmas Day but I want to enjoy my day and not be left feeling guilty and down that I am with family and she is not.  She is becoming dependent on me and I dont know what to do. If she has family I could speak to them but she hasnt. I have my own stresses and worries and I really don't need this.  I feel awful having written this and feel I must be an awful person.  I care for her but I cant do this indefinitely.

Ellie

Hi

You are not an awful person. I have no words of wisdom or advice. I just hope that getting this off your chest has helped and may let you see a way through this. It sounds very difficult and very draining. I feel for you 

xx

My mother had a saying "You sometimes have to be cruel to be kind". I never understood it as a child but as I grew I found it to be very true. Since my terminal diagnosis I have had to give up things I really loved doing and distance myself from some people that my death would harm if I allow them to become too dependent on me. It has not been easy but I do it for the best.

Hopefully her dependency on you may be just until she gets over the initial grief but if not it is probably not good for either of you. You have your own battles to fight and need to be able to focus your strength as things progress. She has already lost her husband and loosing someone else she feels close to will not help her heal and move on. 

It will have to be your decision whether you or someone who loves you tells her how you feel but what you are feeling is by no means bad. 

I wish you peace with whatever you do. It is very difficult to support someone else when things are so stressful for you.

Hello Ellie, 

im going to be on my own this Christmas, but unlike your friend I respect that Christmastime is one of a few times where families gets together , best or worse. Oh lovely, you have your first grandchild, make sure you get plenty of time with the baby. I’m not going to make myself a pity case by being on my own. At least I have a home! Your friend, unfortunately needs  to get a grip and fast I’m starting to wonder if she needs to see her GP for grief counselling. I can understand why you are avoiding her, but she is sounding like she isn’t mentally coping with her loss. She could always buy herself a Christmas present. I’m lucky that I can still but my mum and cats a present. But maybe I’m selfish but I do get myself a Christmas gift. But I’m in the same boat as your friend at Christmas and I think she is being selfish. If she’s not careful, she could end up losing a damn good friend! You could always have a word with the funeral director, an victor usually helps to bring lonely people together in some meets. Is there a Organization that may be having a Christmas lunch at a church or something? The Red Cross could be useful, by popping in to check on her, maybe bring a Christmas lunch but they would be helpful in keeping a eye on her. 

Can I just say that Ellie's friend may be lost in her grief, but who would not be a few weeks after a partner's death?. Grief is a process not an event, and there are no rules or time limits. I would say that grief is hardwired into us when someone important dies and everyone should understand that. We as people living with incurable illlness ask for support and understanding. Let us offer it elsewhere too.

The friend may have asked a really difficult thing and it seems Ellie has found a way to resign herself to doing it, hard though it will be. But please none of us should use words like "selfish" when we are not going through what the other person is. CS Lewis described grief in this way : " I never knew grief felt so much like fear". If you have been bereaved or suffered other loss I think that feels very familiar.

Friendship is important, and friends in need may ask a lot of us, but if they have been good friends then my own feeling is that we need to allow them some leeway, just as we want it when we are unreasonable, scared and sometimes lashing out in pain and fear.

I would just like to say thank you for your insight and that I have absolutely no problem with the word selfish or with the act of being selfish it is a state, just like being unselfish, that I expect we all find ourselves in at times. It can be the thing that drives us on and it is certainly not necessarily a bad thing. 

Judging others however can be a very bad thing.

I have read many of the posts about the reading and I think everyone is trying to be sympathetic and share views. These may be different but I get the sense people are sympathetic to the grief the friend is experiencing. 

My best wishes to you all keep the support coming. 

I am being sympathetic but I’m also going through grief myself with the recent loss of my brother. He was only 45 yrs old. It’s very difficult to talk about him. We all experience grief differently. I wasn’t making any judgement by saying the word selfish. I’m not going to apologise for it either. Maybe this online Community is better off if I left. What a bad day! My mother has been taken into care, I don’t drive. Have a 30 minutes walk to bus stop from my village, hen nearly 2 hours on the bus. Then 45 minutes walk to see her then repeat the journey. Then there’s my brother’s death then today I get my test results on my cancer. They came back on the same day. And it’s bad! I can’t seems to do anything right. So maybe I’m best off dealing with my cancer on my own. And unlike this friend of Ellie, I’m not going to impose on anyone as people have their own lives, their own worries, their own families. I know that I shall see them when the Xmas holiday is over.