Reading

Hi

Unfortunately she does not have a large family and I don’t know any of them. In fact my husband I will only know her and the deceased. I feel a family member should read it but she is insistent. Guess I’ll just have to get on with it. It will be a small funeral.

Ellie

Hi Ellie

I agree with Maz, a 2 hour drive is tough enough for any healthy person, you must take your own health care into account so I think if you phoned her and set out your case, she would hopefully understand. 

Perhaps whoever is taking the ceremony could do the reading, that may be a way out for you.

A tough one for you Ellie, I hope you can choose a carefully thought out response.

Take care Ellie

Tvman x

Hi ,

You and your friend both have my sympathy at this difficult situation.  I don't know if you have been to any funerals since your diagnosis.  The first funeral I went to after my diagnosis was my godmother's husband, a man I had known my whole life but a very quiet man and not a person I felt particularly close to.  I got to the service feeling fine and then promptly cried through the whole service as it simply reminded me of my own mortality.  I could barely offer my condolences to his family let alone do a reading.

My mother passed away last year and although I coped better, there is no way that I could have managed a reading.  I have actually avoided going to any other funerals although I would obviously go if it was a close friend or relative.

If I tried to do a reading at any funeral I would struggle but there would be no chance of me actually reading anything which I intended to have read at my own funeral service, I would simply be looking ahead to my own death and know that I could not do this and maintain any sort of composure.

I appreciate that your friend is hurting and you want to support her but there are other ways to do that.  Just because someone is grieving does not mean that they can ignore everyone else's feelings or expect to get their own way on everything.  This situation is obviously causing you a lot of upset and I do feel that you are likely to feel more and more distressed the closer you get to the date unless you find a way to avoid doing this reading.

If you find it difficult to talk to your friend directly then perhaps see if you can get in touch with the person leading the service or the funeral director to see if they can assist you.  This will be a situation that they will have come across before and they may be able to offer you some support in getting your feelings across to your friend.

I hope that you manage to resolve this problem,

love and hugs,

Gragon xx

Hello Gragon

i have been to another funeral a couple of months ago and I found it extremely hard and couldn’t wait for it to end. Again another friends husband but I knew him pretty well. This particular friends husband I haven’t known or really liked to be honest for that long.  I won’t actually meet anyone else until my husband and I attend the service. I won’t know anyone apart from my friend and the deceased.  I know I don’t have ownership of the reading but I did think she might realise that it would be hard for me to read it myself. I guess I am a coward but I can’t see a way out of doing it. 

Ellie

Agree that it’s a honour. Plus the fact if your friend thinks highly of your beautiful voice, t the end of the day, being there for each other is the most important thing. My mum always says that she over think, panic and then when we come to that bridge, we wonder why we worried so much about it. Our are a wonderful friend, she is lucky.

Dear ellie

much as it is an honour to be asked to contribute to the funeral by reading ,you do not want to make yourself ill 

in your position you have the two choices ,to read or not to read ,i know since diagnosis I couldn’t read at a funeral ,I would break down ,would she let your husband read with you by his side ? Explain  it is making you feel ill ,you must look after yourself and perhaps play the cancer card ,what does your husband think ?

kindest thoughts

janet

Hello Janet

He says it's my decision which isn't much help. I have done a few readings in the past but they were always chosen for me. I think what is causing me the conflict is that I see it as my reading and I dont want to share. I dont own it but I would have preferred her to find her own. I guess I'm stuck between  a rock and a hard place.  She says she cant think about it and just wants it over with. She has chosen a hymn from her parents funerals.  I want to say something but  I just cant. Like anyone on this site going to funerals are extremely hard as we see our own mortality. This is my second one in the space of three months. I felt slightly traumatised after the last one.  I have already made our excuses not to back to the house after the funeral. I just couldn't cope and want to leave as soon as polite to do so.  

Ellie

Dear Ellie

I agree with Gragon I think, when people are grieving they often don't think clearly and they can be self absorbed. I would ask whoever is conducting the funeral if they could do the reading then explain in words or  by writing to your friend , once the request is fait accompli, how unwell you are and how your health would decline if you had to carry out this task. I am sure you will find the right words to explain. She may be upset at first but, if she is a good friend, she will eventually come round when she is less distressed. Please take care of your health , this is already causing you distress and I would worry that forcing yourself to do this would have a detrimental on your mental health. I personally think it is an unreasonable request despite her grief and would urge you to stop being so kind and caring and remember this is time to care for yourself.

With love and kind hugs

Pat xx

Hi Pat

She rang me yesterday to tell me order of service and when I would be doing the reading. She started to thank me for doing the reading for her husband and said he would have been so pleased. Then she went to to say that she and her minister thought it was a beautiful reading and she was so thankful that I was etting her share it. Then she broke down. I didnt have it in me to say anything. Guess I'm doing it.

Ellie

Hi Ellie

You're doing it? Well, I for one think that you will be able to hold it together, I hope you will take a deep breath and try to find your inner strength and resolve to read it for your friend. I think you're amazing Ellie and I am backing you.

Tvman x