Friend

Hi

well there’s a friend indeed. I think you’re right about the fear factor, although to me it seems an odd reaction. 

Lots of love 

xx

We are a small family scattered about and I must say that I find it sad that most don’t ask how I am.  Not even a weekly text, or even every other week.  If the shoe was on the other foot I would be asking about them often.  On the other hand some friends and acquaintances have been amazing.  Since moving to a new area my old window cleaner goes out of his way just to clean our windows and knocks the door to ask how I am.  

I don’t know how some of you do it.  I am on round 3 of 4 chemo sessions and I have been feeling really sick and unwell.  Chemo is being stopped until nausea is sorted.  But giving medication on top of medication on top of medication just makes me feel worse.  Already I feel like throwing in the towel.

Hi

There's nowt so queer as folks! I have a quite big family, also scattered to the winds. Some ask about my health. Others don’t. For my close family I have a WhatsApp group where I post details of what’s going on. I find it too difficult to keep repeating myself or risk leaving someone out so this works for me. Those who want to ask and talk can do so. Those who don’t can send a quick message. 

Xx

I can understand how you feel ,I was awful during chemo , then fell broke my arm in middle of radiotherapy 

lots of problems but I am better a year on ,feeling sick is soul destroying,but ,for me ,now that nausea has gone life is better ,even though I know prognosis is not good ,jiust hope 

xx

My best man (I got married just over two years ago following my diagnosis) was my oldest friend. We've known each other since we were 5 years old which is verging on 40 years of friendship. After I got diagnosed I hardly saw or heard from him for 2 years - I subsequently found out that he found it really hard to go through (?!). Im not really one for holding grudges and we were slowly getting back in contact with each other etc. About 2 months ago my mum died and the best he could muster was a text message offering condolences at the sad news. Bearing in mind he knew my mum as well as you do know someone you grow up with's mum. He didn't even ask when the funeral was and unsurprisingly didn't show up. I messaged him that night and told him not to bother contacting me again as I was done with him. He didn't even message back.

Sometimes you're better off without those people in your life. I understand that some people can handle the heavy stuff more tha others, but frankly this was unforgiveable. Fuck them. 

Wow, . That’s harsh. I think you did the only thing you could have done. 

I think sometimes friendships can run for years without ever being tested by adversity or the need to demonstrate loyalty. And then, suddenly, the chips are down. The test of friendship is in those moments. I am sad that your friendship didn’t survive the testing times. 

Xx

I’m so sorry your friend let you down Graeme. You are young to be going through this and your friends can be shocked that someone the same age as them has cancer. You definitely find out who is important in your life when something like this happens. 

Hi Graeme

It is shocking and a real kick in the guts when someone you care about, and who cared about you, distances themselves when you really need them to step up. Sadly it is not unusual, and I think is a reflection of how little we are taught as a society to think about how to cope with illness, and the reality of death encroaching on our lives. We are inundated with shallowness and sadly some people run away from any real emotion. We have all had to face up to genuine emotion and the bursting of that bubble of invincibility that most of us live in, until something punches a hole in it. Ours have been well and truly burst and as a result there are others who response is to run away rather than face the facts that this could happen to them too.There is also the whole issue of people who are completely at a loss as to how to respond, so they just don't and radio silence is their choice, not out of maliciousness but out of incomprehension and fear. Then we have to decide how we respond to that. Walking away is a reasonable choice.

Reading your profile, you have been through some real ups and downs, and ups again so your life has probably been swamped with emotions, grief , sadness, anger, relief etc - the whole gamut. If there is anything to learn from what we are all going through, it is that people and relationships are the most important thing in our lives. We need to choose wisely who we keep in our lives. But we will grieve for the ones who couldn't be there for us.

I hope there are plenty of others who have stepped up.

Hi Graeme,

I agree with all the other responses on here. Some people just do not know how to respond and react.  Some completely ignore and when you do have a conversation you can see it in them thinking 'please don't mention the C word.  That I have come to realise is their problem not ours. 

Life throws us all may curve balls and when the chips are down that is when you truly know who your friends are.

About a week after my diagnosis my cousin was diagnosed with stage 3.  Thank the lord her is treatable and she is going through treatment now.  We speak once a week and message every day to keep each others spirits up she truly is a rock.

Another 'friend' of both of ours also just recently diagnosed - she is very lucky only had to have a lumpectomy and radiotherapy.  As soon as we heard this news both of us called her and text her.  Now she is aware of both of our diagnosis but has not bothered to ask how we are doing - says she can't handle it with all the S**t she is dealing with.  So I am not angry with her just disappointed.  I need to move on  from how I feel about it because it make me angry and I don't want to be responsible for me being angry so I have drawn a line.

My best girlie friend as been amazing so to my immediate family and my wonderful partner.

It is times like this that you really find out who your friends are.

I hope you are getting support from others. The human race can be so incredibly cruel but that in my experience is few. There are also a lot of wonderful people out there also.

So will not waste time on 'friends' who don't give me their time.

x

 Hi Ellie and ALL,

I think your work friend is terrific! I noticed toward the end of your post you said she already made a date to meet up next month and you said  "she will not realise how much that meant to me" !! Well, I think you should tell her exactly how much it meant! Praise where praise is due!

Regarding the friends supporting us or not after diagnosis, I was very surprised and shocked by some acquaintances I hardly knew who really went out of their way to be as supportive as they could when others I had taken for granted would be there just weren't! I have a friend of almost 40 years who didn't visit me in hospital when I was having a groin dissection whom had visited almost every day when I had my gall bladder removed and my knee replaced. I was worried about her thinking she wasn't well. However after almost 4 months of not hearing from her, not even a card, I called her and asked her if she would come for a cuppa. Reluctantly she came after some persuasion when I found out she was afraid of "loosing me and couldn't cope"! So I said, so you decided to loose me as a friend earlier than necessary by cutting me off? She hadn't thought of it that way! We cried together and sorted things out! I told her if she wanted to know anything then to just ask but also if she didn't ask, I wouldn't talk about it!

Sadder than that is my brother died of the same cancer I have and I have two sisters. They both live within 30minutes drive from us. I see one regularly and she phones to see how I am. The other I've seen her twice this year, she seldom phones and when she does, never asks about my health! As I think Daloni already said There's nowt as queer as folk! What can we do!!!