It's come to my attention that trying to fake it until I make it, isn't actually working. It was highlighted after I came home from a long weekend with the family over Easter, and after the first day of relief at having peace and quiet and my own space - the realisation soon crept over me that between now and October, I have no plans to actually see anyone else other than Drs. That's when it came to me, that there is a deep seated loneliness underwriting everything that I do. I try to keep busy with the garden, playing with the cats, typing up recipes, replying to posts here, watching TV, napping - so much napping, and housework. But it's all just busywork, and isn't making me happy. Not deep down.
I'm bored, frustrated, lonely, useless, without purpose, and tired. And I've no idea how to change that.
I used to work.
I used to sing.
I used to perform.
I used to play the flute.
I used to craft.
I used to bake lots of things.
I used to go for wanders - I loved climbing hills and getting out of the city or exploring shops and markets.
I used to go out with friends. Hell, I used to have friends.
I don't do any of that anymore, because I physically can't. So where does that leave me? Sitting at home, staring at the walls, trying to find things to distract myself with and ways to keep myself busy. Most of the time it works, especially when I'm unconscious. But now and again, usually after doing something sociable, it hits me like a wave. I'm just not happy, and I've no clue how to fix it.
Just as a note, this next comment isn't aimed at anyone, it isn't blaming anyone for anything, and in no way do I want people to stop using it - I think that covers everything - but I just need to say it, and maybe I'm not the only one feeling it. But I absolutely hate the 3 good things thread. I read through the posts made when they pop into my email, and they make me both sad and angry. I see folks with friends and family popping round, or going out and doing things together, I see folks going on holidays, I see folks doing and feeling all sorts of things I'd love to but am just not in the position too. And it just adds to the frustration, isolation, and whatever else is going on in my head.
It is of course not helped at the moment either by the fact that the ill I was feeling in July last year still isn't resolved. I saw a cardiologist last year after we worked out there was an issue with my heart and blood pressure - after a month of a migraine that wouldn't go away and me finally seeing an emergency Dr with a blood pressure of 194/132.... I was supposed to go back to see him in January for a follow up and further treatment/investigations, however he's stowed out with patients and they've only just been able to fit me in for an appointment at the end of this month. 4 months late, with daily heart issues. Then there's the Gastro I was referred to see end of last year, again, end of this month was the first appointment. So I've been dealing with bloating, pain, gas, diarrhea, no appetite, 5 people's appetite, and a stomach that doesn't empty properly for 10 months, and it's steadily worsening. Then there's the breathing issues, sleep apnea - but it also happens when I'm awake sometimes. They missed the referral and it took a month of chasing for them to realise and then add me to the list. Should hopefully be seen next month. Then there's the liver issues they found in July. Had various tests done, chased for results, ANP gave them to me, but had never heard of the test nor did he know wht the number meant. So we both googled and found it indicated mid level cirrhosis, but he promised to try and get clarification from the hepatologist because Google also said the test wasn't reliable on fat people. It took a month of him, the receptionists, and myself chasing until I got an answer, or sorts. A month of thinking there was a possibility I had cirrhosis of the liver. Then we hear back, finally. Blood test contradicts fibroscan, so we're going to redo the fibroscan and also do a liver biopsy. Blood test shows mid level Fibrosis, heading towards high - my result was 8.something, 10.something means you're fucked.
At the same time the one friend I did have, has turned into a selfish bitch - which in turn is making me feel like one too. She's going through a nasty divorce and has realised that the entire relationship was both a lie and abusive. She's not taking it well and is self harming, having suicidal thoughts, etc etc. Now, my aspergers head is saying she just needs to pull herself together, and her reaction is ridiculous - so when she's texting me telling me she's shaking, cutting herself, thinking of killing herself etc, I have NO idea what to say anymore. Now, a part of me understands that right now she's concentrating on herself and probably has no capacity to think of others. But she knows she's my only line to the outside world, and the only one who comes to see me, and the only one who regularly talks to me. But she's too tired mentally to do anything, and she can't cope with people at the moment so doesn't ever want to go anywhere or do anything. Conversations are solely about her, and even if I try to talk about what's going on with me and my medical crap, she quickly changes the topic back to her. That is of course if she's in a 'good' mood. She keeps talking to me like I'm an idiot these days, speaking down to me, talking over the top of me as if what I'm saying isn't important, interrupting me to go off on a tangent about something else, or trying to finish what I am saying. Alternatively, she treats me like the enemy. Like every opinion I have, every thought I express, everything I say is just wrong. If it doesn't align with her view, then she attacks. And if that doesn't work to bend me to her will, then out comes the blatant emotional manipulation where she makes out like she's always wrong, nothing she ever does is right, how she should just kill herself, etc etc.
I get it, she's ill, I know I'm being selfish, but it's fucking difficult to be her friend right now - which only isolates me further.
Then to top it all off? Dad was taken into hospital last week with an average heart rate of 34. Today he's had a pacemaker fitted, and he'll hopefully get home tomorrow. So fingers crossed it works and he's all sorted out. I did joke that I'd stolen some of his beats, because mine is regularly around 120, and last week was actually up at 144!
Oh yeh, and a stupid thing that's stressing me out too. Took my youngest cat to the vet last week because he was sneezing and it was like someone had turned a tap on in his eye it was running so much. Ever since we got home from the appointment, my other boy has been growling and hissing at the youngest every time he sees him. It's ridiculous. It's stressing me and the baby out, as well as upsetting us both. He needs to get over it, and quickly.
Oh, so many things, trying to lose weight at the minute too. Lots of my health issues will apparently get better/vanish if I can lose some weight. Easier said than done as my regular docs know due to pain, mobility, thyroid, and PCOS. I've lost a stone since January, but absolutely nothing at all in the month of April. I look at the readings I've taken, and I can see when I've been bloated because I go up by 5lbs - and this last month has been terrible digestively speaking. But of course, it's just another thing to get you down - when you're trying so hard, doing everything right, and getting bloody nowhere!
So yeh, I'm not in a great place at the min. And I have absolutely no idea how to fix it or what to do about it. Everything I'd have done before, is so much more difficult now and takes so much effort. And sometimes, the anxiety and lack of confidence just don't let me leave the house because there's no point because I'll end up dropping out of whatever I'm trying to go to because I've no idea what my health and energy are going to do from one day to the next.
So, what the fuck do I do?
Lass
xx
