Where to start. I received my all clear a few weeks ago and of course I am relieved. Over five years I had major surgery, chemotherapy, six CT scans, three colonoscopies and 31 blood tests - I was on a clinical trial so lots of testing. And I know this level of surveillance is really good but I spent so much time in a state of terror waiting for results that the mental impact still hasn't gone away and I am stupidly hypervigilant about my body and think every little thing might be a sign of it coming back. I know I am being irrational but I seem to be helpless to stop it , although I think I am better than I was.
I feel guilty as well that I couldn't handle everything well, after all I got through it and so many don't. And it's not because I fought it and won, it's because of advances in modern medicine and the fantastic care of my health team. I hate it when people tell me I was lucky. Even worse, everything happens for a reason.
Glad to get that off my chest.
