My husband of less than a year recently had a major surgery for colon cancer. He was sent home with transparent stoma bags. He insists on lying around in his dressing gown with the bag in full sight and when it has output in it which I find repulsive.. I constantly ask him to cover it up and he gets angry saying I'm nagging. He was also told by his stoma nurse not to let it fill more than half full but he waits till its full and bulging and normally over several hours is smelling. I ask him to change it as the smell is vile and I am struggling with it, but he just won't. It's causing arguments between us as he thinks I'm just being unfair.. he has this stoma, had to live with it.. and I just have to accept it too. He even comes to bed with it when has some in it, but says it doesn't need changed as not much in it... I've asked if he can please come to bed with a clean, empty bag but he's ignoring my pleas... I can't even cuddle him now. I've said if his hygiene doesn't improve I can't stay.. another argument. I'm at my wits end with all the stress. Is this normal and anyone any suggestions how I can handle it?
That’s the way.
You need to be strong and leave him to his own devices. Phone a friend and arrange to meet or just go and buy something really nice for YOU
Put your lipstick on high heels if you wear them and sweetly say. I’m popping out. I’ll be in later Don't wait up!
If he’s acting like a child treat him like one. You wouldn’t accept that behaviour from your children and definitely won’t accept it from your partner.
You’re not over reacting Don’t clean up after him either
Have a good rest of the day treat yourself
I can not get over that he didn’t make sure that he had his supplies. I’m paranoid about them.
Ann
Well, I would leave him to stew in his own juice! DO leave him to it, let him clean up after himself and don’t worry that he can’t if he says he’s so good at managing. You are not over reacting at all I don’t think, and you are not in the wrong.
Get yourself out of the house-arrange to meet a friend, go for a walk, anything. And just say you’re off out! You need a break from this.
Sarah xx
Thanks again Artsie Ann... yes. I've already suggested keeping wet wipes and change of clothes in the car and ask him every time before we leave the house if he's got all his kit... and he just says yes.. when obviously hasn't even checked... when I suggested keeping extra wipes and clothing he said it was ME who was paranoid... and didn't do it... but having his kit is his responsibility, not me, but I still ask him before we leave the house if he's checked... so when that happened today and he started shouting at me, asking what I'd done with them?? I don't even touch them, I couldn't believe I was being blamed. He's just finally gone and got washed and changed... not showered.. just a sink wash 
and has made a point of putting on a white vest.. no t-shirt so you can see the bag through it... its like I'm living with a different person... can't believe how horrible he's being. Anyway... I'm just going to spend the evening In the spare room and will sleep there... tho something tells me he won't be bothered. Xx
Hi Thomo
Im so sorry that you are having this when you’re trying to support and care for your husband post operation
I think that you need to leave him to it
Try and go out tomorrow and forget the stress. If you’re at work hopefully that will help you forget his behaviour
Was he like this before his operation?
Please contact your GP I’m hoping that you’ll have support from them. I
Take care
Ann
Thanks again Artsie Ann... hes always been pig headed and no one will tell him what to do.. even by suggestion... he will do the opposite. I've even tried to get him to read all the leaflets he's been given or go online for tips and support.. he says he doesn't need all the different people telling him what he should and shouldn't do... if he listened to all of them he would do nothing and he's going to do it his way as the stoma won't rule him... I suggested that the reason for all the accidents he's been having could be down to the amount of food he's consuming, specially just after surgery when even his stoma nurse said his insides are still settling down... and also that he's consuming so much fruit and snacks... again I'm being paranoid and he will eat what he likes.
I swear I'm seeing a totally different person to the one I recently married and don't like what I'm seeing. I didn't go out as everyone suggested but just kept mself busy cleaning loos, ironing etc... I went upstairs to make up the bed... and when I came down he had made himself dinner... so much for leaving him to fend for himself... he did.. without a thought for me, having cleaned the bathrooms after all the mess... and ironing his clothes...
I've made myself something to eat and have taken myself off to the spare room... I don't think he's the slightest bit bothered tbh... 
Hugs back... x
It’s amazing that the Stoma’s not ruling his life, it’s making a mess of yours
He can manage everything. let him clean up after himself. He can make dinner for one whilst you clean up his stools. It’s unbelievable!
He’s very lucky to have you.
Stay strong and please get some help. There’s lots out there. Reach out.
Could you visit your son in Scotland Be really good for both of you to have a break from each other
Hope you have a good rest this evening
Ann
Oh No. Sorry senior moment or Brain fog from Covid.
You definitely need to go alone. Too stressful worrying about accidents.
When I sleep in someone else’s bed I go above and beyond. I’m taped up to the nines, I check and double check. I have bed waterproof pads. It’s a military operation. But I have a wonderful time. No one knows. my son and family recently forgot about my pouch as I carried on as normal with my grandchildren. People do not know
I really think that as your husband is unable to keep his own house clean.
Too embarrassing to do that in your sons.
Im South and the weathers hot still pack your sun tan lotion.
Take care
Ann
Well if that’s not selfish I don’t know what is! You’re running round cleaning and ironing and he’s making dinner for himself!
Actually as someone with stomas, I wanted all the help I could get in finding out how to manage them, and hints and tips from others in the beginning, but I did personally know a couple of ladies who’d had my surgery. I had a lot of advice from my stoma nurse and my partner learned from her how to do everything as I had a different type of surgery and was very weak in those first few weeks so I needed help. I wasn't able to eat much food at all in the first weeks, far less consider going to a casino.
He may feel his stoma isn’t ruling him, but it’s ruling and affecting your life very negatively. I hope you managed to get some sleep and can have a better day today.
Sarah xx
