Gay man caring for husband with advanced cancer - looking to connect

Good evening. 

I seen this post and wanted to check in. I have been and still having treatment for my kidney cancer. 

During my time following surgery my husband did everything in the care and nursing part. It is a very difficult situation to find yourself in and still try and maintain that relationship of husbands. 

Firstly, accept help and support from others. I know you want to do all the care but sometimes having that support can allow you both to remain as partners without the added stress of care too. 

Secondly, still share those moments of humour and allow to come naturally. I think sometimes we try so hard not to say the wrong thing, it just adds more stress and then the communication about every day things get over shadowed by meds, times, care etc we sometimes dont see time as something we can still make use with.

I am happy to chat more if you wanted. I just didn't want to see the post go unnoticed. 

Take care, 

Jamie 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. The advice is really helpful. It feels increasingly like we are no longer existing as a couple but just patient and carer. Getting help from others is difficult as my husband is so uncomfortable with people seeing him unwell but I am working on this.

Good afternoon. 

Let him have a think about having a carer who is independent from being family or friends. Explain they can come in to help and support with his personal needs in the morning and again in the evening to start with which then allows you then continue to be his husband during those times. 

I really understand how this is difficult to balance carer and husband but having time to do the things he can still manage as a couple. Even setting set aside 2 hours a day where you talk, watch a film or have a topic of interest to talk about or prep a meal in the same room. Things like this can make a big difference. Its hard to advise fully through messages as difficult to gage what stage you are both at. Have you joined the support group yet for your husbands type of cancer and the carers forum. 

Carers only forum Can be really helpful as there will be many in a similar situation to you. Just click on this link. 

Always here to chat and support. Also anyone can call the helpine too. I have found them to be a great support. 

Best wishes, 

Jamie 

Hi, I'm caring for my boyfriend, we're both mid 20s. I got mistaken for his brother a lot in the hospital.

We still try to have some normal time playing videogames together and stuff but it's hard. Definitely our relationship has felt quite emotional at times and in ways that were sometimes unexpected.

I find it hard feeling responsible for him when I know him to be a very independent and capable person. He finds it frustrating but knows it's necessary. Sometimes he tries to do things when he shouldn't and it's a game of trying to make sure he doesn't do anything too stupid and also not wanting to infringe on his last shred of independence.

Yeah you're not alone though. Feel free to message me directly

This sounds very tough especially when you are both so young. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I will send you a message.