Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
Hello babe, how are you feeling? Sorry about will's accident (ouch) bought back memory of Dad when he used to take Michaela ice skating, he was always a bit unsteady on his feet when it came to ice as he had several accidents at the fire station slipping on ice and dislocating his shoulder bless him.
Anyway still no news on Michaela, her temp has been soaring nightly to over 40 since sunday and the white vision thing is getting worse but the ward manager explained last night that its probably casued from the high temp and her Hb levels being very low he was very surprised that the transfusion hadnt been done over the weekend (he's been away for a week) was going to check her notes but hadnt done so by the time we left last night. She seemed ok last night then she text me at 10pm to say they were moving her to another ward at 10pm!!! she was upset and fed up as she was very tired and sleeping I asked if I could go back up there but wasnt allowed!!! Went up at 9 this morning to see her and sort her stuff and as was just left on floor in 4 big bags and I wanted to cry, although she is in a side room still it is on an old peoples ward, no disrespect but she is 17!!! there aren't as many nurses up there and those that are aren't as forthcoming and friendly as the other 1's were, another worry!! 3 times today I asked where her fan had gone and if they could get her one as temp up again and lo and behold 3 and a half hours later she still didnt have one.
As for results a Nurse said this eve that they may be delayed till saturday, in other words monday as dr's in lab dont do weekends...so bloody frustating!! but Dr Florna did say last week that it would be thurs/fri and she is the specialist so hopefully we wont have to wait till after the weekend.
So apart from the ice skaing and A&E how has your past few days been, have you done anymore or sorted out any more training? Good result yesterday wasnt it? forgot the match was on till I got home from hospital think Michaela purposelly kept her tv on channel 4 (west ham sod ha ha!!) and as for liverpool/arsenal (sorry kate) I wanted arsenal to win that (dads team).. anyway honey let me know how you are
Lots of love and hugs Teresa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear moomy (sorry I should call you Helen but I think moomy is sweet!!) but if you would prefer then let me know
Thankyou again for your love and thoughts, Michaela is pretty much the same but been moved to a different ward at 10pm last night!! they needed her bed and had been awaiting for a bed on this other ward for her to come available. She is getting really fed up and upset now as she misses being home and just being able to get some fresh air, the Nurse said today that results might not be here until saturday which of course means monday as drs dont do weekends, its so frustrating the not knowing as she isnt improving in the slightest and surely if something bad is wrong sooner treated sooner get going and gone with it!! Anyway I hope you had an enjoyable day and that Caz and your family are ok,
How are you honey? and how did duracell bunny get on yesterday and today, hope the chemo went ok? sending lots of love and hugs to you, your mum and dad, speak soon babe love Teresa XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
poor michaela her temp still up high etc., bless her heart. i cant believe they moved her to another ward, especially with elderly people, as she is only young, and that you couldnt go back up to settle her in, how bloody rediculous, and leaving all her things on the floor, how terrible!!
i so hope you dont have to wait for results till next week, the waiting does your head in dont it mate? and its such a worry for you, but as you say the specialist said thurs/fri so hopefully you will find out very soon. i hope she wasnt too upset about missing her driving test bless her.
have you been sleeping any better sweetie?, i am thinking about you both all the time and everythings crossed for good results.
good result for our team eh? whos liverpool and arsenal, are they footy teams?? lol (sorry kate babe).
still not feeling too great, but never mind only sinus infection, got training next thursday and following tuesday then its all done, just waiting for crb check to come back.
i know its a silly question but how are you feeling?? as i am worried about you.
Sorry you're still not feeling 100% phaps you should see dr again? Angie used to suffer terribly with sinus infections that would last for days and really knock her for 6 (bet that made you feel better didnt it, sorry!!)
Not quite sure how I feel really, when I stay with mum at the weekends as soon as I go to bed and head hits the pillow Im out for the count though I feel strange in the mornings, cant explain that one at all I think it a Dad thing and being in their house but as soon as Ive got out of bed I rarely stay for brekkie as I feel really strange and nervous!! when Im here at home I dont sleep so well and when I do my dreams are so weird, I think because I know Michaela not in her bedroom and cooking dinner for one is horrible and Ive no-one to do the washing up!! lol or shouting down the stairs to me asking for a cuppa or needing help with wording for a college essay. Mum says its a surreal feeling and you just end up on autopilot because of the time Im spending up the hospital. I just want this waiting to be over so I then know what we dealing with, I'll be honest and say that Im scared and prepared for the worst and mum and my aunt have told me thats how I should think (if this makes sense) so as not to sit there being really optimistic and then be given a blow like we were last friday. Michaela said to me yesterday 'I wonder if id be driving now?' probably but be hard without a car!! I think as when she passes her dad's family are going to buy her a car and I'll be lumbered with the insurance, think I got the bum deal there, but she's more than worth it.
Yes it was a great result yesterday, you made me laugh about the liverpool/arsenal comment, I was going to say I thought that were manufacturers of toilet paper (sorry kate honey!!) haha and sorry Dad xx he wouldnt mind as I used to say the same to him.
Glad you've sorted the rest of your training out, not long now, and hope your crb check doesnt take too long.
Lots of love and hugs Teresa XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
its only natural your feeling scared, and running on autopilot keeps you going dont it mate? i can understand how you feel at your mums, it must feel very strange waking and your dad not being there, it must make you feel uneasy. and of course at home it must be really horrible with michaela not there at the moment, especially with all that washing up lol, bless her hope she be coming back home very soon x its best to think the way you are about the results, and hope they hurry up with them and also her transfusion too, cant believe she not had it done yet. i laughed at what was said about would michaela be driving now, hard with no car lol ha ha that was good. that will be good when she passes and her dads family get her a car, but the insurance will be sky high, ryan doing lessons at mo and he got a car, doing it up at mo, the insurance is over £1000, a lot of money eh? thanks god hes working and paying for it lol. i laughed at your liverpool/arsenal comment, ha ha lol, sorry kate hunni and sorry to your dad x like angie i suffer with sinus infections quite a bit and it does knock you for 6, you didnt make me feel any worse mate lol hope samuel and angie are ok too.
hope you sleep well tonight, lots of love and hugs karen xxx
Having one more drink then bed me thinks if I can sleep as not that tired at mo!! it'll catch up with me soon.
How many lessons has ryan had? Michaela's had about 27, she re-booked her test for sometime before May 13th but again wont tell us when but she said she'll probably have to cancel that one as well cos even if she hasnt got this awful thing she is still going to need to recuperate and she said she'd have forgotten how to drive lol!! My aunt and uncle have bought my cousins son a car (he's 18 in oct) and having lessons, the car cost £1200 and they were quoted £2000 for insurance, apparently its more expensive for boys than girls, Kyron (cousin) failed his theory test so I've offered that if Michaela passes her test before him she can look after his car for him (though they live in Dartford) but I thought that way the car isnt sitting in the garage and Michaela's got transport till she gets her own!!
Samuel's birth was registered today, he's officially 'Samuel Michael James Horatio Kilby' Angie not pleased at Horatio but apparently Dad and James went for a drink one day and one of them mentioned Horatio and James said to Angie 'I promised your Dad' I think that is so sweet!! Have only seen him once since they been home as been up hospital but they are all ok
This laptop is so bloody slow again!! If it boots me out I really will launch it this time, Lots of love and hugs babe, Teresa XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ryan had 13 lessons, instructor (or destructor) as i call him thinks about another 7 and he will be ready, its just another worry when they will be out driving isnt it mate? dont think i will ever sleep when he out in the car. how lovely james wanted horatio for your dad, that is so nice. i hope you get a good well deserved sleep mate. my laptop gone slow again too, bloody thing!! i'm listening to witney now, dont think mick will mind that one too much do you? lol still waiting for sarnie on 24/7, but not the bleach lol love and hugs sweetie, karen xxx
I know what you mean about the worry when they start driving, its like when they 1st go out drinking I don't think (this will make no sense but I know what I mean) it's them and how they are that you worry about its other people and what they don't seem to understand, well I know Michaela doesnt but when I was her age and even younger I could walk home from a friends house or a through a park in the dark (that was a bit of poetry there ha ha, I really do need to stop acting my shoe size, oh well made me feel better for now!!) Or more like you have for just chatting, thankyou.
Ive stopped the westlife now and just listening to the hit charts on the box, dont know what Mick would make of that or Whitney, got a slap from him earlier..have you ever heard of Fair (something, dont tell Mick I couldnt remember else I'll get another slap lol!) Convention? And Im also waiting for the sandwich, give it another 10 mins then Im off to bed.
Take care honey, lots of love and hugs Teresa xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
