Well here i am again at 4.30 in the morning and i can't sleep yet again!! My husband Darryl has terminal small cell cancer and, at the moment is going through a really good phase. Which, i would have thought, would set my mind at rest and enable me to sleep. But no, here i am again having had 2 hrs sleep tonight wide awake with mad thoughts running around my head!! This is driving me crazy and i just seem to be on auto pilot all the time. Darryl is 44 years old and we have been given a prognosis of a 2-3 year life span for him. I can't seem to let go of this thought, and maybe part of me can't sleep because of that, as i feel if i'm asleep i'm wasteing precious time!! Darryl is sound asleep and resting well, and if i stay upstairs next to him listening to his breathing, i keep thinking is this the last time i'll ever hear that and end up getting so uptight and worried that i find it better to just get up again. So i wander round the house do a few chores, have a hot caffiene free drink and will myself to sleep all to no avail i might add!! hahaha surely i'm not the only carer who never sleeps, or am i????? any comments gratefully recieved. Take care my friends and hope your all sleeping well. love and hugs mel xxx
hope you are ok today and feeling better, and darryl is still doing well. had a lot of reading to catch up on here, your such a wonderful support to everyone.
got to phone and sort out my other 2 days of training, and hope crb check is back soon. i hope to feel better tomorrow as its my nieces boyfriends birthday so the whole family is going ice skating in chelmsford, should be a laugh eh??
my ryan who is nearly 18 and his girlfriend have just split up, so have been worried about them, there still friends but he feels they have grown apart bless them!!
anyway my hunni, hope your having a good day, speak very soon lots and lots of love and hugs (oh and firemen and massive hoses) lol love your chickie karen xxxxx
hope your ok today hunni, and our duracell bunny is feeling fine, i am thinking about you all today for your mums onco appointment, hope all goes well, and especially with the chemo tomorrow, please try not to fret too much, i know its easier said than done though sweetie.
thanks once again for the other night, you are an amazing support, your wonderful. didnt man u do well lol,
anyway mate, speak very soon, lots and lots of love and hugs to you, duracell bunny and your dad love chickie karen xxxx
hope you and caz ok today. wow! you have such talented children. i'm not musical at all, only listening to it lol oh and the recorder at school lol my dad was very musical though, he was in the army band and played the clarinet, we always felt so proud when he played for the queen at the royal albert hall. hope caz ha an enjoyable weekend out.
No need to apologise honey I was ok just that I woke uo at 4ish and couldnt sleep so thought 1 of our loving but mad bunch would be about!! lol Its not that I feel too old to drive I think with me its a confidence thing, which Ive lost a lot of since I split with my partner late last year then losing dad its made me somewhat of a hermit too!! If I have to go into the town centre for anything I find myself just going to the shops I need then straight back home again, seriously think I need a bit of help but I even get nervous about going to the bloody dr's and would be a bit dubious of what he would give me, probably a hangmans noose lol!! sorry that was a tad distasteful.
Well Ive left Michaela till this evening as she had a college friend going up to see her (a boy) me thinks phaps a potential boyfriend as they spent most of yesterday texting all day. Ive asked to see a dr this eve as they still havent done the blood transfusion, although stabilised her cell count is now down to 7.6!! and her heart keeps racing and pressure going down, he said the ecg showed an abnormality and asked if she was anxious about anything???? No what could she possibly be anxious about, shes been in hospital for 2 weeks in a stuffy room and been told she could have lymphoma and all these different things keep happening to her, last night she had to be helped back to bed as when she came out the toilet her vision went and she said everything went white,this has happened once before a few weeks back while at college...just seems one thing after another ad they dont seem to have any answers, seems to me that the blood transfusion could do some help as the 1st one did and I dont understand why they not treating the anaemia, is that why her levels aren't rising?? makes common sense to me!!
Liked the dig at Kate again lol!! man u did brilliantly, I didnt actually know the score til yesterday when Michaelas cousin told me, he too supports chelsea so I had to have a dig!! Westlife!! for valentines one year my partner suprised me with tickets to see them at Birmingham NEC, bless it really showed his love for me as he cant stand them and I don't think it done much for his macho builder look haha!! Dad liked a few of their songs and there's several that remind me and mum of him and a take that one too, rule the world!! spooky its on now!!
Hope you get back to your training soon and you get your crb check through quickly!! Hows that bug, hope you feeling better.
Speak soon, lots of love and hugs Teresa XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (& firemen with hoses lol!!)
Thinking about you all today, hope all goes well and that duracell bunny is doing ok? See you're still getting the footy digs haha!! think you should think about swapping sides honey and Im sure that Karen would back me up on this that we wouldnt mind an ex-liverpool fan joining us only because of the loving kind person you are!! so for that im sure we would accept lol!! Are you from Liverpool? Im not from Manchester my home team is luton (yeah I know HAHA!!) never mind, have supported them all my life, was a junior hatter at school and used to go to all their matches, when we got through to the littlewoods cup in 1988 with arsenal dad got us all tickets, was a great day went up on train to wembly and obviously dad was the only arsenal supporter in the stand, he still wore his scarf and cheered when arsenal 1st scored, got a few looks and one guy got quite shirty but luckily the other guy he was with was my crush!! and he knew mum, sadly he was murdered in 2002, anyway just before half-time mum asked which way we were playing lol!! Dad stopped cheering come full-time though!! sorry had a right memory there.
Anyway honey, hope you are all ok, lots of love and hugs to you, duracell bunny and your dad too XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
How are you all today? hope you feeling better and daryll is doing well? Sounds like you're spoiling him with the stereo system but he worth it eh!! Don't know about motorhead, how do Westlife sound on it, phaps me and Karen will out at his 50th, sure we can scrape together a few cd's lol!!
I had a giggle with some of your's and moomys posts with regards to the choirs and music. I thought I could sing but was chucked out the choir in junior school, think its because I talked to much rather than sing and as for the recorder, I went for one rehearsal, another due the following week but I was told I wasn't needed...not sure if there's anything I did excel at actually haha!! So kirsty plays the drums? could start a band, you get back on that keyboard and James is excellent at playing the guitar! Michaela used to play (well thought she could) the recorder in infants and one sunday we had been to a christening I was on the phone and she was sat next to me playing, well blowing in it and because I couldnt hear properly I asked her several times to stop, she didn't so I pulled it out her mouth but her teeth got stuck in the top bit and ended up ripping from the gum, blood everywhere, panic, eventually stemmed bleeding, had to end my bloody phone call!! lol suffice to say she never played the recorder again and she has no lasting effects, thank god terrible mummy I was!!!
Well still no nearer knowing anything but am getting riled now as blood transfusion not been done and her heart keeps racing, ecg showed abnormality, dr asked if she anxious or worrying about anything???!!!!!!!!! have asked to see dr this eve as feel that if they done the transfusion it might help as althouugh sat/sun her levels stabilised they have still dropped to 7.6 but she still in good spirits, I just hope it isnt show but like I said she a strong young lady it just keeps worrying me all these other things that seem to be happening to her and it seems these only happened since they put her back on the AB's.
I like the name of the Superglue Club, I think it sticks!! ha ha just realised what I said, I really do need help! no comments please haha!
Hope you, daryll, daley and kirsty are all ok? When does she go to Yorkshire? Sending you all lots of love and hugs your ever grateful chickie Teresa XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
love the name Duracell bunny!!! wish i had a battery pak to give me some energy right now, feel like i'm on auto pilate. Mum has about11 weeks left and i hate this ticking off the days on the calender knowing time#s running out!!!! The not sleeping thing is weird. reminds me of when my children were babies, except without the screaming, it's just me and the still of night while my head goes round and round. i'm ok i the day whle the teenagesrs are around or the dog needs feeding or there are shirts to iron, but as soon as my head hits the pillow even at 2am my brain starts thinking things. How wil i manage without her, how can i help her more, what will the end be like, why is this happening etc etc etc, and no matter what relaxaton technique or gentle music i put on, i HAVE to get up just to stop the thinking. So usually by 4am my lids are droopin. Dog got me up at 4 and 5 am today as he's old and has bladder weakness poor thing but i wasn't amused having only slept for ONE hour. A one off night would be ok but its EVERY night. I cat nap in the day if i can but there is too much to be done at the mo. I don't begrudge my mum a single second of my time nor a single second i spend worrying about her, but i'm just so bloody knackered. look terrible these days but don't even care, though do make an effort if i'm going up mums so she can't see how much its affecting me. Cept she still notices the black rings under my eyes. Ah well. Irony is that the more mum sleeps the less i do as i know it'll soon be over. Any one got any spare battereis to keep me going!!! Quartz xx
Hope you and your family are ok and that you enjoyed your weekend? Your daughter sounds fantastic and I hope all goes well with her audition, she certainly seems such an inspiration, in fact you both do with the help you give others on facebook. I have stopped looking things up at mo regarding lymphoma as it just gives me more worry and hopefully it will be unfounded worry but have to say Michaela does have all the signs and more. Well hope you got all your washing done, I think Im with mel about sending some over to you!!
Take care, love and hugs to you and your family, Teresa XXXX
Dear juls Hope you are all ok today? How did the stress busting stable cleaning go? and did you get that marking done!!? Seems sometimes there not enough hours in the day or sometimes more a case of I cant be bothered, Ive got loads of stress-bust jobs in the house I could do but not got the time at the mo!!
Anyway, speak soon, take care love and hugs teresa xxxx
Sorry you are feeling the way you do, all on here know how it feeld as either going through it or been through it. Think the anger thing is natural and then the worrying and lack of sleep, you'll meet some lovely night owls on here all been there or still there and mother hen mel takes us all under her wing and we help each other. Sorry to ask the 11weeks left is that the prognosis? just that they dont always get it right, my darling dad was given 3 weeks and we still had 6 wonderful months and 6 days with him!! If im honest I was a mess inside with my dad, my daughter didnt really want to talk about her beloved grandad, I was angry, snappy, totally miserable then I found this place and it really does help, they are wonderful (dont even need to mention their names) you can see who they are, all mother hens little chickies. As for the knackered look when I came out the hospital the other day I saw a lad I used to go to school with, he didnt recognise me at 1st, then when it registered his words were 'sorry but you look f****n terrible!! cheers pal and he used to be so nice at school (b******!), anyway sending you a battery pack with love and hugs to help lift you up!! and think it goes without saying that on here we are all here for each other, sure mother hen mel wont mind me saying that she'll welcome you with open arms!! XX
It's so good to hear from you again and hope you are resting well.
The recorder incident with Michaela sounded quite funny, but i bet you felt really guilty at the time?
I hope my little surrogate Niece gets sorted out soon as it must be getting very boring and worrying for her now bless her heart. I also hope she has the blood transfusion soon, sa if you said it made her feel better after the last one maybe that will help to pick her up again? It's weird that her temp keeps going up and down too isn't it? Poor mite can't know if she's getting better or not when that happens, and must be very worrying for you too?
I really hope everything gets sorted out for her soon so you all know what you're dealing with then. It's horrible when you're in hospital and the weekends come round because you know nothing is going to be done for them few days, it didn't help that we had easter at the same time Michaela was in hospital having tests as everything stops then!
You are doing so well and very patient and strong for your baby that i'm sure that whatever the outcome of all the testa you will deal with it with the same courage and strenght you did with your dad. I truely hope the news is not so bad though and please let me know as soon as you can what all the results show won't you, as i do worry about you and Michaela very much, feel like you're both my adopted babies!! lol
Kirsty used to be in a band when she was younger (17) but the others got bored of all the practice for the gigs they did so they broke up. I think sometimes young people have ideas but if some don't take it as seriously as others it doesn't work does it? Kirsty wants to start another band but said she may as well wait until she has moved to Yorkshire now, plus Dan her friend plays the guitar so they are half way there already! lol Kirsty goes to Yorkshire on the 8th april for a 2 week holiday then her and dan are coming here for a week. Darryl and i are going to see one of my friends called Di who lives in Wales for a week on the 10th May, so kirsty said she will look after essie for me till we come home, then she is moving to Yorkshire for good on the 18th may. So not long to go now and i will miss her so much! Darryl and Daley have already been deciding what to do with Kirstys bedroom when she's gone which i think is a bit cruel, and i said their not allowed to touch it for the first year incase she wants to come back home! lol
Well just to shut everyone up i went to the Drs today, and he wants me to have a ECG next week as my heart rate was 135 bpm and also wants me to have a blood test to check my cholesterol levels, liver function, kidney function, red and white cell count and for diabetes and thyroid function test. Thats on tues 8th april at 10.40am then go back on Tues 15th April for all the results. So you can all stop nagging me know! lol I'm sure it's probably nothing and just stress anyway but at least i went in the end.
Enough about me i hope you are having a restful evening or trying to anyway and don't forget to let me know how Michaela gets on won't you?
