Heya,
To give a very brief run down , my 22 year old partner was diagnosed with very aggressive AML a good few months back. It was very traumatic, I had to call an ambulance and he was in critical condition, and I ended up sleeping in the hospital for around 3 months with him as he went through chemo.
Not too long ago, he had his final round, which was radio and a stem cell transplant. He’s now out of treatment which is amazing and incredible, but I am finding that everything is suddenly starting to catch up with me.
As much as I don’t blame him for it, my needs have been incredibly pushed aside. He does try occasionally but I have to prompt him and such, which i understand- he has so much on his plate.
its so difficult to see him like this. Stem cell and radio recovery is a lot longer and less linear than chemo, and he’s losing weight and is incredibly weak, and is struggling to do hardly anything at the moment. I have so much sympathy for him, but it’s so difficult when my young and strong and capable boy has been reduced to what he is right now. I love him so much , and I love being able to look after him, but it’s hard when he can’t look after me and hasn’t been able to for around 6 months now. He does what he can, and I really don’t hold any resentment - in fact I feel quite guilty expressing this emotion in the first place.
it’s hard to feel like all of my milestones are being overshadowed by the illness. I know his are too, but I moved to university around a month ago, which was meant to be exciting, but it was so much more complicated and difficult and I nearly didn’t go - and when I did go, I felt a disgusting amount of shame and guilt.
it’s my birthday tomorrow and he’s going to come and see me if he’s able to, which will be nice, but I know that when we he comes over that the focus will be on him. I’m not jealous because I would never wish his situation on anyone, but it’s hard. I don’t know
I just miss what my life was, we’re so young and so many big moments have been ruined by it. I just want my boyfriend back.i know things will eventually be okay but it’s hard to keep saying it to myself. I have a support system but I just want my boyfriend back.
