Having a bad day

Oh Yantibee, my heart goes out to you.  Surely they would understand if you didn't go?  It's too much to expect of you.

X

Let Christmas be over.

Jx

Yantibee. What would you like to do on your darlings anniversary (i will forever remember its the day before my mums), i too think its too much to ask of yourself but maybe just maybe if you do something symbolic for you and yr darling a show in person if not in mind might help make the day be over.  More generally, im going to be in mums county but no idea what to do with myself. I will forever be wild in my own head searching for an answer on how to feel better. it may not happen but i hope it does one day but then i will feel disloyal. I will never 'get over it' perhaps live with my loss. We have no choice other than suicide with the mad hope there is a place where our loved ones are And we see them again. Mum would be furious with me. So on this planet I remain with my pain. As we all do. This is the worst time Christmas yeuch and the anniversary, the firsts. may we all find a way to get through this. Whatever it takes x

Yep.

xx

Feeling so miserable today. I see everyone else being happy and looking forward to Christmas and I feel like my whole world is coming apart. Trying to make it feel as normal as possible and make it lovely for Mum. She would normally be the hostess with the mostess so I’m trying to take that on for her instead as she isn’t feeling up to it and I want to relieve the pressure but I’m getting frustrated at nobody else in the family using their brains or time to think of anyway they could help too. I could scream at them and say I don’t even want to celebrate Christmas. My boyfriend and friends are going to Christmas parties & pub crawls and excited to be finishing work and having fun and I almost see them glaze over a bit if I mention I am feeling down.... I would kill to be normal and just worried about fitting into a nice dress for NYE instead of trying to find clinical trials and hope for my Mum, organising hospital appointments & keep her spirits up & basically just trying to survive. 

I’m also struggling with friends moaning about small little problems that they make out are the end of the world... I want to be patient and I try but it’s so hard I want to scream. Then when I try and talk to them they say something glib and compare it to like a pet being ill or something ridiculous.

Anyway sorry I dont want this rant to bring anyone down..... I just had to rant I guess. 

I partly can’t wait for Christmas to be over but then I think we’ll after that it’s jan and that’s miserable anyway so will probably be much worse?!!

Love and hugs to all

Xxxxx

Fighter87. I totally understand. Some friendships have to go on pause as they just dont get it, to be fair, neither did I before it all happened. Say, i dont feel you are understanding me at the moment and you are in 'it', it being a rollercoaster you cant get off, speed up or slow down. You carry on fighting for your mum, you wont regret it, you are her one, embrace it, know its right, but right isnt slways easy. Be kind to yourself too, long baths helped me teconnect with my own brain at times. You are being fabulous im sure, i very much hope there is hope and thetes plenty of time for lbds in the future. Hold on in there, we understand x

Hi Fighter87,

We completely get it.  No one really understands until they've been through it.  I had 'friends' who didn't get it and eventually stopped getting in touch.  They tried to come back after mum passed but I just haven't bothered with them.  Have you got someone who does understand?  Are you going counselling?

You don't need to apologise to ranting.  That's what we're here for.

Just focus on your mum and spending time with her.  The rest doesn't really matter, although I do wish they would understand that they could make it slightly eaiser for you by being more understanding.

Sending you a big hug.

X

Hello,

As Maisiemai and Elenium have said, we all get it, totally understand where you are and just wish with all our hearts that nobody had/has to go through this. Never apologise for ranting, you need to.

Give your mum a hug and just know you are doing brilliantly.

I agree wit Maisiemai, I didn’t know what people were going through until it happened to us, but I do know that I never compared this to a sick animal. Sadly, we always have the trump card, we just never or try not to use it.

Love and hugs to all xxxx

To my friends, very dear companions who are and will always be close to my heart More than you may ever know. Especially, Elenium, jenny, sue, bobles & yantibee and any other readers who shared our journeys, thinking of you all today especially as we are tormented by our loss. May we all find a chink of light to nudge us through this big first. Much love x

Thanks so much MM ..tis so hard. We've eaten and had drinks and presents but there's an empty seat and heartache.

Much love to all.

Jx