Lucky

I am genuinely very glad you are able to see things from such a positive viewpoint. Sadly, we are not all capable of that. Sometimes for personal reasons it is impossible to feel 'lucky'. We met when i was 15 & he 18. We knew each other 47 yrs & married 44.1/2. I should be grateful for that and am. BUT every single year we had at least one and often multiple serious crises. It kicked off on our first wedding anniversary when his mum died. It continued all our lives. We had very dark times. Our one steadfast was we had each other. We were obsessive of each other. This year was the worst on record, suffering SIX deaths, mostly cancer, in 9 months. John and our 3 yr old grandson are in the same casket. I am no one without him. End of. I am NOT lucky apart from having shared my life with him however bad at times its been. I am here now only because our two kids (one autistic) can't take any more, & we can't afford any more funeral bills. No joke, every single month, starting with John in end phase inJanuary & my diagnosis 4 days later, there has been something very nasty. Aug was maybe a slight exception...however...in perspective... we were at the grave singing Happy 65th bday to John (10 mth from retirement), 2 week later singing Happy 4th Birthday to the baby & next day...alone, sobbing at his grave as it was our Saphire wedding anniversary. But nothing bad other than the usual heartache...then there were 2 deaths in Sept, so that sorta made up for the 'respite'. I applaud anyone who can function & even enjoy life bolstered by memories & gratitude for the past and use them to move ahead. I can't. I don't live, I don't even exist without my soulmate. I simply suffer tortureousnonenitity (there's a new long word for you). The stress of his diagnosis in 2015 (bowel cancer), caused me a breakdown resulting in big memory issues. So though in some ways its good, there are huge swathes of my past (& even my present) wiped away forever. Precious moments stolen. I don't WANT to live on memories or gratitude or luck. I am like a petulant child offered a replacement teddybear for one that is lost...nothing else will do. The big difference is a child can eventually reach acceptance....I won't and if honest don't want to. Grief & suffering are all that are left to me. Our kids at some point in life will be on their own and at 37 & 42, they are doing that largely.....but I acknowledge they have had quite enough. In fact, the other perspective to Sunflowers15's is to feel cursed and robbed, tortured and waiting with bated breath as 2019 still has 2 more months to throw unimaginable pain at us all. John could have got me through all of this but he was snatched away in the year he was most needed. Personally, my own cancer has ravaged me. The treatment as much as it. I have gone from being in a fast paced responsible full time job in the Civil Service up to days before his death, to being a bumbling wreck with a massive stammer (8 months & counting) & only able to walk with a walking frame or stick at a snails pace. Arthritis has taken a huge hit and mostly all down my right side. Left side starting now though. So no chaps, I am very sorry LUCKY is NOT my chosen adjective. I am sure i am not the only one, but chose to speak up for all those too afraid to be panned for 'being negative'.My soul is bleeding & not only can I not stop it, I don't want to, and I see no reason why anyone in a similar position to me (hopefully not many) should feel guilty or feel the need to apologise for feeling this way. I am NOT suggesting that applies to anyone on here. I am not on here often enough to know. I am also not being critical of Sunflower15...GOOD FOR YOU MY DEAR. Just we are poles apart and I wrote this to acknowledge the fact.  On a more positive note (bit rich from me after this post), I can pass on something which may help others. I write poetry. I found a site on FB called Northern Poetry which I found so, so helpful, not just posting my contributions but reading others...all sorts of subjects btw. Sorry about the long post!!!

Dear Darkhorse123

My heart goes out to you. I am desparately sorry for your losses. Life can be so cruel. I spent 3 days in a cancer ward earlier this year & it was the only time I’ve been truly scared, I saw the suffering other people were going through.

I’m lucky to be back playing golf after chemo, (I was diagnosed in Jan with advanced prostate cancer with metastatic bone cancer) and one of my playing partners is 90 yrs old & walks 18 holes twice a week but he’s paid a very high price for his fitness & longevity. He’s buried his grand-daughter, then his wife of 60 years, and finally his daughter last year, all to cancer. Is he lucky? He thinks so for the years he had with them.

I still think I am lucky, my PSA has come down from 2890 in Jan to just 2.5 now, but in no way am I intending to be flippant. It’s just made me appreciate every day I have since diagnosis so much more. Nothing I nor anybody else can do or say can take away the pain you have gone through and no doubt still are. Take small comfort if you can from knowing that I will always remember your words.

Dear Darkhorse123, I am so sorry for your losses and your current situation. Life can be very cruel at times. When you have written we are poles apart in our current mindset maybe your right, but there have been many times when I could have written something demonstrating the complete opposite to 'lucky' and many times ahead with what is to come that I will have that same thought. My sincerest best wishes to you 

This is simply beautiful.  More good luck for you all!

My Dear Neal, thank you for your kindness esp as going through rubbish yourself. I am so sad cancer had attacked you especially in the way it had. I am glad you are back playing golf. after all you have gone thru and that you are a good person and one who knows how to show love. I am delighted in your ability to enjoy life.  I am sorry your 90 yr old friend has also been dealt some terrible blows. I have no idea of the kind of life he has had. Longevity has the unenviable effect on most nonagenarians and above. But I know he enjoys golf. My lad had a life of very long working hours in very difficult and physically horrendous conditions. He had mostly a life of drudgery with only a few bits of respite. I am glad for anyone who feels lucky for the past. While I was very very lucky to have my John at all never mind forty oddyears should make me feel lucky.....but those years were frought with pain, crises and for both of us, but especially John work battered his health into the ground. He was robbed of a proper retirement. WE were robbed of a retirement together we worked blloody hard for and deserved.  I suppose I just wanted to show that not everyone can see positives. I can't... but it doesn't mean I can't feel happy for others, even if in some small way I may feel jealous too.  I will take comfort in your rememberance of my words. It means someone at least has listened, and done so without panning me for negativity. I wanted to write what others might also be feeling & thinking but too worried to post. From the bottom of my heart, thank you xxx