I feel so angry.. I dont know exactly what's happening and I feel I've been put in the worst postion as someone who loves someone with is unwell. It's such a toxic relationship. She is highly likely to have borderline personality disorder and it makes wanting to be there for her so much harder. She's blocked me from all calls/whatsapp because I felt i needed to be home to understand the situation better and really think about what supportive role im about to embark on if I even should?
How can i emotionally support someone when they block me from my own self care too? I just wanted to sleep... I'm so tired.
This journey would be a marathon and me even trying to make sure i have self care is something im not even used to as a person in my own development journey. A lot of my family and friends are telling me not involve myself because of how much I would be putting my self on the line. And i know they are right...
At this point, they have only found a slow growing mass in her small bowel and part of her liver. We don't know if it's cancerous... what stage... and in those days of unknowing I thought i should think about what's to come. Spoke to my mum who doesn't support the relationship because she knows how my partner is incredble demanding, controlling and her expectations are at times unreasonable in the essence that it doesnt acknowledge my needs too...
I dont know what to do.
I'm so angry that she's blocked me. She disappears all the time. then comes back like nothing happened.... this was before any diagnosis.. any hospital appointments. I've been at each one, despite being lied to.. despite knowing she always gaslights me... I showed up. All i wanted was proper acknowledgment of who I would be in this journey. Am i the partner? Am i the gf? Am i all the things she says when she lashes out for hours and hours... all those 300-400 messages in hte span of an hour. And this is all before any medical issues. So what will she become during treatment? Who will she be? How would she behave? I feel even the most kindest people would still have (and rightly so) anger, annoyance, frustration.. naturally some of it would be targeted at the partner.. but not through intention. Because recovery is HARD. but I dont know if i can be the person to already have wounds and taken on more.
Im so angry with her. Im so angry with her again trying to control me. Again blocking me to control the situation for her needs to be met. Her lies are so bad... I'm feeling so hurt... I dont know how to be ther for her and myself through this. I feel so guilty.. or like the a**hole if I step away. I know for sure she will call me so. Would she be right?
Hello BA23
I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment and I can understand you feeling angry and frustrated.
Do give the Support Line a call if it would help to talk things through with someone. it is available from 8am-8pm each day.
I am sorry to hear that your partner is undergoing testing for cancer and I hope that she will soon get a firm diagnosis of what is causing her symptoms and what treatment may be required. During my own diagnosis- the waiting and not knowing was a challenging time. From what you are saying your partner clearly has other challenges to her health and I hope that she has support from her doctors/mental health team.
What I would say is that supporting someone through a serious illness, whether cancer or something else is a difficult and challenging thing to do. And you can not support someone else if you are dealing with health issues yourself. It sounds as though you understand that your health is already being affected and you should not feel guilty for prioritising your own needs at the moment.
Your partner will have support from her medical team and it may be that things could settle a bit in the future and you may feel you want to offer support but it is not something that you should feel you have to. Going through cancer (if she is diagnosed) is not easy and she will need support but you do not personally need to feel responsible for doing it all yourself. My advice would be to focus on yourself and your own mental health as you can not support someone else unless you are ok yourself. Have you got support yourself for your own health?
If your partner does have a diagnosis then she will be supported by a cancer nurse specialist who will be able to help her with her journey and help support her with her mental health.
I am really sorry that you are going through this at the moment. We are here when you need us.
Jane
