I have a clinic appointment later this afternoon and I *think* they should be giving me some CT Scan results. I absolutely HATE going to clinic because I feel like they’re always going to tell me something I don’t want to hear. I feel worried and scared and I hate that I have to wait to be called in. I want to know but at the same time, I don’t want to know.
Ive never been one to shy away from the GP and I won’t sit on symptoms and suffer in silence but I can sympathise so much with people who avoid doctors and would rather just not know. It’s so scary and until they tell you, you can convince yourself that everything will be ok.
My liver surgeon let me know a few weeks ago that there’s only cancer in one half. Because of this, they can hopefully remove that half. I had a CT last week and I just know it’s going to show that it’s now in the other half too which will mean they can’t do the op. I’m having chemo to try and get it under control and I’m also worried that the treatment isn’t working either.
I know keeping positive is important but it’s almost as if I feel better preparing for the worst. I don’t want to be blindsided again. I don’t want the shock and disappointment so preparing for the worst is a way of controlling it.
I know I don’t sound it, but I’m a generally positive person. Days like this though, it’s so hard.
