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DNAR discussion

DottyP73
Posted by

So my mom is now end of life although she doesn’t know. Not sure if it’s weeks or maybe a few months. Doc came in today to talk about DNAR which hospice have previously tried to talk to her about but she keeps putting off. After her last stay in hospice for symptom control they sent her home with a DNAR but she doesn’t know about it. It’s in the drawer should it be needed. Hospice wrote it after a roundabout discussion with mom where she said docs should do what they think is best. GP at visit today said she can’t put the decision off and they need to know tomorrow what her wishes are. GP wasn’t aaware of the DNAR in the drawer and when I told her about it she said to still talk to mom. Mom hasn’t talked about it since doc left and I’m scared to broach subject in case I upset her. So my dilemma is - should I speak to her or just accept that there’s a DNAR already?  Also should I tell her there’s a DNAR already?

She is terrified of dying and is not yet “ready” in her mindset. 
I never thought I would have to be decisionmaker for this kind of thing 

Keep hope alive. Power of positivity is strong. Some days are better than others
Sukie9
Posted by

I have had to agree to this on behalf of my mum , and found it the hardest thing to do . She has Alzheimer and doesn't really have full INSIGHT into her illness or that it is now end of life time.  Sometimes though I get the impression she does no but doesn't wish to openly discuss or admit it. 

Many years ago when I was a nurse , I knew patients that knew they were dying but would not discuss and prefer family/ Drs to take care of everything 

There arec no easy answers to offer , we just feel are way and act in love . 

DottyP73
Posted by

Thank you. That is so spot on. I had a chat with my daughter yesterday evening too who has a degree in psychology so I like to think she knows what might be going on. She said she’s sure mom knows she is near end of life by the things she is saying eg she said to my daughter that she hopes she achieves everything she wants in life and is happy. She keeps telling me she loves me and holding my hand and how much she appreciates my help (not something she has been doing before, I’m fact the exact opposite!). My daughter also said I should speak to my mom and when I said it would be upsetting she said - yes it will be but that sometimes things are upsetting but that doesn’t mean we should shy away from it. I’ve spoken to my mom this morning and it wasn’t that upsetting and she just said yes she agrees with a DNAR. Easy! Well still upsetting to have to talk about but I’m glad I did. I’m not trying to pass the shoulder of burden but to ensure that mom is treated as she wishes to be. 
I hope this helps anyone who may have to face this 

Keep hope alive. Power of positivity is strong. Some days are better than others
Sukie9
Posted by

Well done for discussing with your mum , never easy conversations.  You are a loving daughter and right in wanting to ensure her wishes are heard and respected .  My mum has been the same in saying things that indicate she knows , like she loves me and appreciates all I do, which is not her way at all . 

None of this is easy and so upsetting,  but we can only act with a loving heart and do what we are able to . I am so glad you managed to talk and feel some comfort. Your daughter is spot on , glad you hsvec her support . 

I'm sure your experience will help others facing this situation . Take care x