Positivity (sometimes not helpful)

MrsCat 4 days ago

6 replies
23 subscribers
120 views

Diagnosed just before xmas having op next week. I have continued to be in work since had 2 days off after diagnosis and basically no change around the house. Think i have handled it pretty well had a bit of a wobble 2 weeks ago and hubby said it could be worse and to be positive! which i do know and dont need it pointing out to me (didnt appreciate that comment) no matter how well intentioned and Hubby asked how i was as he does numerous times during the day, but today told him not to great he asked why told him im scared about the op, the risk, (am 57 with health conditions so need a hdu bed) the after effects. He said dont worry it will all be fine and be positive, well it set me off, am concerned about appearing normal to everyone showing how brave i am, treating it as a minor inconvenience (i do know i will be ok) however when i do have a wobble and cry and i know why he wants to tell me to be positive for both me and him but when having a wobble i just want to be heard and the way i feel to be validated is it wrong? Aaarrggghhh!

Hi MrsCat,It’s not wrong to want to be heard.I had this reaction too and it was frustrating.The person that said it was scared but I felt I wasn’t being taken seriously and my concerns about the surgery were unimportant.I can understand how you feel.Best wishes for your surgery.Jane

Jamie696 4 days ago

Omg. Exactly how i have been feeling latley. Your feelings are validated. I am 43 and all info in bio. I had to have a itu bed, which is the best place to be following a major operation. I have asked my other half now to stop saying be strong, positve, look forward etc and explained why at the moment I am not finding it helpful. It is stressful and uncertain times for you both, and sometimes the only words some people can find are the ones they need to say and hear out loud for themselves more than telling the person going thorough it to be positve and strong. The way I deal with it now is to understand he is not telling me to be positive, strong and look to the future. It is him saying how he is feeling to me and its him which is more worried than I realised. I now nod and smile and say its okay we can do this togther and then use this forum to vent. Often at times of crisis we default to certain vocabulary which is drummed into us from a young age the words used to comfort people in times of a crisis or illness we see this in soaps, dramas and films all the time. Just like the old saying let's put the kettle on. I hope this makes sense and your feelings are very validated and understandable x

MrsCat 3 days ago in reply to winkers60

Thank you

MrsCat 3 days ago in reply to Jamie696

Have calmed down had a good cry, talked to hubby about it and he just held me and let me cry it out. Thank you

Millibob 3 days ago

Hello MrsCat

I know how you feel - I think anyone with a cancer diagnosis has been there. If you have or had cancer "you know" how others feel and have a bond with them - it's hard for others to understand.

There's a couple of blogs you may wish to read on this topic and here's the links for you:

Toxic Positivity

Toxic Positivity - part 2.

By the sound of your last post - hubby is "getting the message"

I wish you well with your upcoming treatment.

Best wishes - Brian.

Community Champion badge

Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm

Strength, Courage, Faith, Hope, Defiance, VICTORY.

I am a Macmillan volunteer.

Jamie696 3 days ago in reply to MrsCat

I am pleased you have managed to have a good cry and let some of the emotional side through. Everyone in these forums I am sure have been though this and have had similar experiences and thoughts too. I know I have and before surgery I was planning the end game and getting all things order as I was really worried too. But I am here today, sharing my thoughts and experiences in this forum. I am sure you will be updating us to once you are in recovery.