Positivity (sometimes not helpful)

Hi MrsCat,It’s not wrong to want to be heard.I had this reaction too and it was frustrating.The person that said it was scared but I felt I wasn’t being taken seriously and my concerns about the surgery were unimportant.I can understand how you feel.Best wishes for your surgery.Jane 

Omg. Exactly how i have been feeling latley. Your feelings are validated. I am 43 and all info in bio. I had to have a itu bed, which is the best place to be following a major operation. I have asked my other half now to stop saying be strong, positve, look forward etc and explained why at the moment I am not finding it helpful. It is stressful and uncertain times for you both, and sometimes the only words some people can find are the ones they need to say and hear out loud for themselves more than telling the person going thorough it to be positve and strong. The way I deal with it now is to understand he is not telling me to be positive, strong and look to the future. It is him saying how he is feeling to me and its him which is more worried than I realised. I now nod and smile and say its okay we can do this togther and then use this forum to vent. Often at times of crisis we default to certain vocabulary which is drummed into us from a young age the words used to comfort people in times of a crisis or illness we see this in soaps, dramas and films all the time. Just like the old saying let's put the kettle on. I hope this makes sense and your feelings are very validated and understandable x

Thank you 

Have calmed down had a good cry, talked to hubby about it and he just held me and let me cry it out. Thank you

Hello MrsCat 

I know how you feel - I think anyone with a cancer diagnosis has been there.  If you have or had cancer "you know" how others feel and have a bond with them - it's hard for others to understand.

There's a couple of blogs you may wish to read on this topic and here's the links for you:

Toxic Positivity

Toxic Positivity - part 2.

By the sound of your last post - hubby is "getting the message"

I wish you well with your upcoming treatment.

Best wishes - Brian.

I am pleased you have managed to have a good cry and let some of the emotional side through. Everyone in these forums I am sure have been though this and have had similar experiences and thoughts too. I know I have and before surgery I was planning the end game and getting all things order as I was really worried too. But I am here today, sharing my thoughts and experiences in this forum. I am sure you will be updating us to once you are in recovery. 

Oh gosh, they think they are being the most supportive partner in the world, it comes from love, but it does feel like them trying to teach their grandmother to suck eggs, right? ;)

My initial thought was to tell him exactly why it's not helpful, and what you need instead, but I see reading through that you've already done that... so I'll just say, "keep it up".... My partner mentioned something the other day and he kicked off by saying "I've been thinking this thing, but I wasn't sure whether to tell you or not.... " but then went on to tell me...and my response now was "well hun', moving forward if you ever feel the need to say something, just say it... it's a bit late in the day to be pussy footing around each other I think!".. and it works both ways...

But absolutely is it perfectly OK to be two things at the same time, and I am sure we all feel like this... you can feel positive and at the same time be really scared! And it's SO important that we feel seen and heard by those who love us...

My "battle" is more with friends.. I am known for being a strong and positive woman...I am often called "inspirational".. so right now I am having to stop myself living up to the pedestal I am often put on.. when I "announced" my diagnosis to my friendship group, to a "man" they replied.. "You've got this Liz! With your positive attitude and mindset, if anyone can beat this you can!".. which was lovely on the one hand, but on the other there was a little girl in my head saying "But what if I can't? I'm scared "  and more importantly "what if I don't reach out for help now because I  should be strong enough to do this on my own?" Is it ok to be "off brand" now????

Often what we need is for someone to just listen to how we feel, and be there for us... and hug us while we cry...no more than that...

Have a virtual one from me. xxx

I get every word you say my daughter puts a plaster on my inoperable lung cancer iam so proud of our NHS and truly greatful to still be here living with cancer having tablet form medication but I have off days where I could scream and want to say how angry iam my daughter answered is I know mum but look how lucky you are still being here she's not telling me something I don't already know this has helped me reading what you put am not alone thank you