I’m living in a nightmare!

TRIGGER WARNING

I’m really struggling and feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I can’t sleep very well and feel physically ill and I don’t  know who to talk to. 

My husband went in for planned  surgery over 10 days ago to remove his bowel ( bowel cancer). We walked into that hospital laughing and joking. He’s a 64yr old healthy man apart from a small bowel cancer and acid reflux.
 The minute they put him out his blood pressure plummeted, they stabilised him and carried on.   Half way through the surgery his blood pressure started dropping big time, then his heart started going bad to the stage they thought they were going to lose him. He was in theatre too unstable to be moved anywhere for ages.  
little did they realise that they had accidentally cut his pancreas and he was bleeding out?
They then got him into intensive care where his blood pressure and heart rate kept dropping lower and lower until he had a cardiac arrest. We don’t  know yet if his heart is damaged by this.  They eventually let us in to sit with him but told us to call all family in as he was so ill we were probably going to lose him. Just horrific. 
I noticed that his drain bag was filling up really quickly with blood, but the nurse reassured me that it was just red coloured water from where they washed his abdomen out in theatre. As he slowly deteriorated in front of our eyes with my children sobbing by his side, and it was now 4 hours since I’d told them about the blood, they realised he was actually having a major hemorrhage from the blood loss from his pancreas, he had lost 4 pints of blood so far, I’m not surprised he had a cardiac arrest.!! 
They said we’ve got to take him back to theatre but he’s so unstable it’s a massive risk to his life. They then found the cut to his pancreas and sewed it up, ( one dr told me there was a 2nd accidental cut in his abdomen but they are now saying there wasn’t?).  They then brought him back to intensive care with his abdomen open because he was too unwell to carry on. 
After another day he was still very ill but they says he’s got to go  back to theatre to have his abdomen closed. Again they called family in to say goodbye as they didn’t feel he would make it,  By now I feel like I’m going to have a break down, I was living in the relatives room with an armchair as a bed.  They actually got him through this op thank God. 
Around day 5 they tried to wake him up and took him off the ventilator, we were overjoyed. They then said his eyes don’t look right so he needs a CT scan. My husband spent 24 hours thrashing around his bed constantly, I kept telling him them he’s in pain but they disagreed and said it’s delirium and lots of people get it. 
I could tell he was in agony.  They then told us he has now caught sepsis and it could finish him. 
They then took him to a CT scan and found he had had a stroke! They have never told me if there is anything wrong with his eyes to this day. 
after 3 days of watching my hubby thrashing around his bed ( and I mean thrashing) they examined him and said he’s so badly bruised and swollen in a certain place no wonder he writhing in pain and they’ve had to put him back on a ventilator to let him rest and not feel the pain. 3 days my poor hubby suffered in that pain. 
Now he has caught pneumonia and yesterday they informed us his wound is just pouring with pus, so yet another infection.  I don’t know how he’s still alive!  I don’t  know if I will be bringing my husband home or not, am I going to be on my own the rest of my life, how will my children cope.  It’s honestly like being trapped in a nightmare . 
if only they hadn’t cut his pancreas! 
They keep reminding me he is very critically ill, and I appreciate their honesty. But he shouldn’t be in this situation, he should be home now with me. 
im living hour by hour wondering what next and living in pure fear.