Hi folks I have stage four terminal secondry Anal Cancer in my liver , lungs , and a couple of stomach nodes, ive been really blessed that I'm not in a lot of pain and my mobility is OK, I'm getting good strong support from family and a little amount of friends which is always good, but mentally inside myself I'm a total wreck, I'm super emotional at a drop of a hat i find myself sitting on the edge of my bed while my wife is asleep next to bubbling like a baby trying not to wake her and my 9 year old son whom I adore in the other room. I feel like I'm keeping a secret from my son and its chewing me up inside, he knows I have cancer but not terminal and its that what is eroding me inside out, eventually when I start to go really downhill and he realises that I'm not going to get better I will have to break is little heart. Scenarios run wildly through my mind of the emotional mess il leave behind and the sorrow and anger that will come from our son because I'm gone.i cry almost everyday now not just about leaving my fantastic wife and son but because of the anger that my parents will have who are living in total denial about my terminal diagnosis and my only brother who lives on the other side of the planet, I feel so guilty sometimes like I'm going to cause the most horrible crime because ive had two rounds of chemotherapy which reacted ok to the small tumours but the side effects were horrendous, so ive vowed to my family I'd rather not be unwell whilst receiving it so when I get offered it after my CT scan next week I'm going to refuse it. So as you can tell my head is scrambled my emotions are shot and I'm crying all the time. Sorry for ranting.
