Support with my 12 year old daughter

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Hi,

I am struggling with how much to tell my 12 year old daughter about her terminally ill grandma. A few weeks ago we found out that my mum has a stage 4 Angiosarcoma. It is a very rare and aggressive cancer. We have been told she only has a prognosis of weeks / possibly months to live. My 12 year old daughter knows that ‘grandma’ has to have chemo sooner than we thought (it started on Tuesday) as the cancer is worse than we thought. Although I have told her that we need to be realistic this time she still very much believes that grandma will get better. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Do we tell her exactly how it is? Or do we try to protect her a bit longer from the inevitable. I just want to point out that my 12 year old is an extreme worrier too. I’m just not sure what to do.
I am finding it very hard keeping it altogether and find myself being short tempered and then feeling really bad about it. So I wonder if maybe telling my daughter the truth would help her understand why I am not myself at the moment? But then by telling her the absolute truth will that make the time we have left with my mum/my daughter’s grandma harder. I just don’t know.

please, if anyone can help or has been through a similar situation, I would really appreciate some guidance. My heart is broken and I am struggling.
Thank you, Helen.

latchbrook 1 day ago

Hi HelsBels86

I’m Anne, one of the Community Champions here on the Online Community, and although I haven't been in your situation, as I was the one with cancer, I do understand how a cancer diagnosis impacts on the whole family.

As you know, the online community is divided into different support groups and I can see that you've already found and joined the supporting someone with incurable cancer. Can I suggest that you also post this question in that group as you'll then connect directly with people in the same situation.

You might also find that this information from Macmillan about talking to children and teenagers helpful in deciding when and how to talk to your daughter.

Wishing you all the best

"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

Pupsgalore 1 day ago

My grandparents - one on each side died when I was 13. My parents treated me like an adult but didn't get into heavy details or burden me with their upset feelings. They warned me that they would not get better and I should lovingly give them as much time while I still could. This way I would not regret not spending time because they lied to me for so long. Also at 12 and 13, children are aware of how sick a person is - usually. You need to get your act together. Take some time to breathe, take a walk, put together an album of your mom you have been putting off. Make it a positive experience of love and remembrance. Many years later when my father died, I spent time crying and fighting with my brother. It was an emotional time but my son was 13 at the time and I kept him away from it and today he just remembers the flight home and the warmth of our other relatives and he got grandpa's old hat to remember him by.