Nearly 2 weeks age one of my parents was diagnosed with cancer, one that is quite tricky to treat. However, we are still in limbo as we arent sure of the staging and wont know for a few more weeks after tests. So far, prognosis is pretty decent as its caught early but if other tests show cancer elsewhere, we are most likely looking terminal with a poor prognosis. Now, intially when i heard the news, i absolutely lost it as i heard it through someone else who failed to mention the extra tests needed. All i could do was doom spiral and imagine my life without my parent - i guess that’s natural. I only found out about further tests being needed 3 days after and that was like a rug being pulled as we started off on a positive note and now every bit of acceptance came crashing down. For 5 days i did nothing but cry and despair and tried to essentially accept my parent won’t be around much longer. Every second of every hour was misery and grieving our old life that changed out of the blue - this cancer came out of nowhere, to this day there are no symptoms. Then, one night, a switch went in my brain after reading the worst case scenario studies where I assume my brain had enough - I said until we know after the tests and it is written down, the positive diagnosis and prognosis is what it is. Now, i have felt more peaceful for a few days and even found myself a bit more positive - i don’t forget that my parent has cancer but i don’t jump straight to their death. This has however caused me to feel insane guilt and feelings like if i dont constantly think and ponder it, im jinxing it. I then think that im probably just in denial with the truth that the worst prognosis is more likely (sadly in many cases it is) and im just living on borrowed hope. I try to watch some films and shows and keep busy to make the days go faster till the full results but my mind goes between thinking things can be ok, there has been no death sentence yet and feeling ok to worrying im in denial and making things harder when in a few weeks time we could get the bad bad news. Im not sure how to navigate this. My parent and everyone around us is getting on with life and saying until the doctor tells us there is no hope, there always is. I’m here swinging between one extreme to the other, just assuming my parent won’t make it and feeling incredible guilt when i forget or downplay the severity to have a break. I even feel wrong to find anything funny or amusing because nothing about our situation and potential future is.
Sorry that this is a long rant, im just so incredibly confused and i know i am protecting myself from getting hurt by both accepting the worst but also trying to think positive. Is this normal or am i just in denial and not being honest with myself?
Hi LiisaMaja and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.
I’m Anne, one of the Community Champions here on the Online Community, and although it was me with the cancer rather than a parent, I understand your worry and emotions.
The online community is divided into different support groups so I'm going to recommend that you join the family and friends group, which is a great place to share your worries and emotions with others in a similar situation and to get support.
To join, just click on the link I've created and, once you've joined, you can start a new post in the same way as you did here and join in with existing conversations by clicking on 'reply'.
It would be great if you could put something about your parent's diagnosis into your profile as it really helps others when replying to you and also when looking for someone on a similar pathway. It also means that you don't have to keep repeating yourself. To do this click on your username and then select 'Profile'. You can amend it at any time and if you're not sure what to write you can take a look at mine by clicking on my username.
"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"
