Introvert / private person - to be open or not about diagnosis

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I am an introvert and I tend to keep everything pretty private.  I have recently been diagnosed with cancer and I really don't know how to handle this socially.    The first people I told were family, work and a couple of friends, but beyond that I haven't really mentioned it.  Partly because I'd like to continue with my regular routine like I do normally, for as long as possible.  However, the other side of me is thinking perhaps I should mention it more.  I am also married and have 2 children and all of them are very extroverted. 

I am not really sure how to navigate this. Obviously as I start to lose hair etc I may have no choice but to mention it but this may not necessarily happen until much later (using cold caps etc to keep hold of hair as long as possible).  Not sure what to do or what others have done who are similar. 

  • Hello  

    It's a very personal choice as to who you tell and when and we are all different. i didn't have much choice as I "disappeared" from my normal activities and when I can out of hospital with cancer it was easy to talk to others.

    "introvert / Extrovert" - whatever the answer is you have cancer. I would try and carry on with life as much as possible and as it crops up in conversation or people notice changes be open with them. Yes I have lost a couple of friends when I told them I had cancer - their loss not mine (as if you can catch it from me).

    In the end it turns out that having Prostate Cancer people are curious to know the symptoms, how they test for it (it's a blood test - not the Doctor sticking their finger where you don't want it, although it happens) and why if I have cancer. do i not look ill!!

    At the end of the day my advice is - don't worry, carry on a normal life, I haven't changed my routine at all - it's others who will have have to make the first move if they are curious and then just be honest with them.

    I hope my ramblings help and wish you well in your journey. I have noticed you aren't a member of any specific cancer group/chat room. If you let me know which cancer you have I can point you in the direction of others on the same or similar journey.

    Best wishes - Brian.

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  • I think all you can do is decide on a case by case basis whether you want someone to know about it. It sounds like those close to you, and those with a need to know, already know. You don’t need to do tell anyone else if you don’t want to. Many people are so deep in their own bubble they don’t really notice changes in appearance unless they are very dramatic. Whilst I chose to be open to people in most settings, I sit on some boards with people I don’t see in any other context, and I chose to say nothing there at first as I didn’t want my contributions seen through a sick person lens. No-one seemed to notice anything. I did tell them later, when I was diagnosed as incurable. 

    The benefits of being open can mean increased support from people. But also intrusive questions, stupid suggestions and from some, being ghosted. 

  • Hi MezKez - Sorry bit of a long text coming... 

    I am an introvert too for a lot of stuff. When I was diagnosed I told three friends and my immediate family (sister, parents, auntie). Then my manager and the colleagues in my team, but apart from my manager the rest just knew that I had lymphoma and was due to start treatment, not much else and not in detail. It was easier as I work from home and I was relatively new, but as time went pass and I had meetings with other people, I just mentioned that I was going through treatment, without specifying much. My treatment left me with no hair after 2 weeks, so it was kind of obvious whenever I had a video call with anyone though. 

    As I went through treatment I told a few other friends (on the phone, I wasn't leaving the house much as my immune system was very weak) but I was kind of telling someone every week or something. Telling people is exhausting from an emotional point of view, so to a lot of people I just told when I finished treatment. 

    For me there are different types of people and based on this I decided who to tell and who not to tell:

    - Immediate family & close friends + people you know who have had cancer or had inmediate family with cancer: These are the people who helped the most, were patience with me and understood when I was angry or sad or didn't want to talk. I was open with them and they understood they didn't have to ask me how I was all the time because I needed space and time. They know how to deal with the negative stuff or they just have to. 

    - Work colleagues & not-so-close friends: They will listen and empathise with you but they won't be asking about you all the time, so there is not much pressure from them. 

    - The worst ones and the ones I avoided telling as much as possible: a) Family members who will put pressure on your inmediate family with loads of questions and constant calls/messages about how you are doing. My parents had to handle a lot of questions and concers from other friends and family who put them under so much stress... b) Close friends who panic or fear that they could be in your position at some point and can't handle the emotions well: they probably try to have reassurance themselves before helping you, prioritizing their wellbeing and keeping themselves in a position where they feel they have helped, even if they haven't. They will ask you how you are but are only willing to take Yes / Good as an answer cause they can't deal with the negative stuff; c) Noisy people who won't keep the secret, just avoid obvs. 

    There's a school of thought of people who think that talking about it and being open about it is what helps the most. I wasn't on that school - I am now that I finished the treatment and things went well, but at the time I wasn't open with my feeling or thoughts at all. I found it much easier to open to 'strangers' (your consultant, the nursing team, staff at the hospital who have a lot of experience with these things). Also, there is a lot of uncertainty at first, so sometimes you don't even have much to say when people ask about how you are etc. So I didn't say much until I passed that uncertain period. 

    It is okay to keep things to yourself and choose a handful of people you can talk to. Just be mindful that these people will go through a lot of emotional stress too so they need someone else to talk to as well. 

  • Hello  

    Cracking, honest and informative post - thank you for taking the time to post that.

    Best wishes and i wish you well - Brian.

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  • Hi  

    There can be so many answers to this and all unique to the individual.

    I can only speak about my own experience when I was diagnosed more than 6 years ago now. I didn’t want to tell anyone straight away. When I had a treatment plan I told my daughters, and my close friend because I felt I was then in a position to answer any questions. My partner obviously knew right from the start.

    I had chemo where I didn’t lose my hair, so I felt there was no need to tell anyone else.  I didn’t see anyone as I wasn’t working so again, who would I tell? 

    I am pretty open here on the Macmillan forum, but only because I’m anonymous- no-one knows my name, no-one knows who I am in here. I am more than 6 years from diagnosis and have been through treatment and major surgery but very few people know-I count could the number of people who know on one hand. I didn’t even tell my in laws. 

    I’m housebound so have zero interaction with anyone ever, with the exception of my partner so even now I  never see anyone who might ask any questions -maybe that makes it easier? 

    I had a cancer which still causes a huge social stigma-cervical-so I feel I don’t need any implied criticism from anyone, ever. There is a lot of ignorance about my cancer and I don’t feel the need to explain myself. 

    However, my lack of “speaking out” means that everyone assumes I’m “cured”, so it’s a double edged sword! 

    Sarah xx


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